Please go visit the new blog dedicated to Michelle's memory

bancroftfund.blogspot.com

Sorry for the delay

After some careful thought, I have decided to discontinue updating this blog and creating a new blog focusing on our updated family. Once Michelle's foundation is updated and fully operational, I will create a blog dedicated to her memory. For now, feel free to check out our new blog at justinandkaribancroft.blogspot.com (corrected..thanks, Jen!!)

It's still under construction and neither of us know at all what we are doing but it will start looking official soon I would imagine

I suck!!

I haven't updated the blog in forever!! I will get to it this weekend and add some pictures of our latest ventures since my last update. Thanks to all for checking up!

Never Easy but Always Worth It

We figured it was coming. It's usually not a good sign when your house doesn't close on time and an especially bad sign when it takes an additional 2 weeks and it still doesn't close. Kari's house is going back on the market tomorrow after her buyer was unable to qualify due to their own house not closing on time. It's frustrating knowing that we are going to be unable to move for at least the next little while. We do have someone looking at buying my house and we are just awaiting word from his lender on qualification. If anyone knows anyone looking at the Saratoga Springs or Daybreak area, please let us know!!

Busy busy weekend!!

BUSY weekend!!! WOW, where to begin. It all started on Thursday when I introduced Kari to the magic that is University of Utah football. Great game, it was nice to see that the team still looks solid even with new personel in place. When did the VA shut down parking for the game? It took us 45 extra minutes to find a parking spot probably over a mile from the stadium. UNACCEPTABLE. I guess we have no choice but to be at least 2 hours early for games from now on. Introducing Kari to the group of people that we sit around at games was interesting. I wasn't sure if they knew about Michelle's passing. Fortunately, the group did hear about her passing and were very, very nice about it and each one gave me a hug on my way to my seat. They had not heard however about me getting remarried. It came as a shock to them but they were very warm in their reception of Kari. I did get a chance to let them know of what had gone on over the last few months before she got to her seat for a beautiful blonde coming to sit next to me in Michelle's old seat didn't come as too much of a shock.

Friday night had the whole Bancroft Bunch heading over to Costco to get our food for our open house on Saturday. Has anyone else ever tried to take 6 kids to Costco on a friday night? Has anyone ever experienced the difficulty of navigating 8 people through the sample booths without a complete mental breakdown? I think I ran over each kid at least twice with the cart but miraculously, they all survived without Mom or Dad doing any serious damage. We picked up some flowers for Michelle's gravesite. Her headstone was recently put in place and looks beautiful, I will hopefully add a picture later tonight. It is nice to go to visit her gravesite and see something worthy of honoring her time here on earth. We had a great visit, the kids like to kiss the headstone as we leave, it's really sweet. I enjoy having something beautiful to look at other than a patch of grass. Kari has been so great about giving the kids and I the time we need to make sure we pay our respects to Brooklyn as often as we need to or want to. It makes things so much easier to have someone as understanding as Kari in situations as this.

Saturday was a very, very busy day. Our open house was scheduled for that night and the whole day was dedicated to preparation. Throughout the day we were wrestling to keep kids outside to keep the house from getting dirty, cutting fruit, rearranging furniture, picking up toys, etc. By the time people started to show up, the tough part was over. We had a good showing of people and are debating whether we were lucky or not that it was a holiday weekend and BYU was playing Oklahoma. Not sure how many people ended up coming by but there were plenty of kids for sure. I found a handful of cupcake wrappers and a cupcake covered by ants in the garage but overall, it went very well and the house didn't get destroyed.

Sunday took us to church and out looking for houses again. We found a beautiful house in Herriman in the neighborhood that we really wanted to moce into. As soon as Kari's house closes next week, we are hoping to make an offer. Very nice house, move in ready but still enough room that each kid could have their own room once the basement gets finished. I like it because of the family room posibilities in the basement. Kari likes it for every other reason. We will cross our fingers and hopefully we can get someone into our place soon so we don't have to cover both payments for very long.

Wedding details

It happened, we went through with it and it went incredibly well with a couple minor setbacks or issues. Friday was a beautiful day right up until the time that we wanted to get things started. We had 50 chairs in the backyard, tables set up, guests waiting patiently, and than the clouds decided to empty anything they had as fast and as hard as possible. It rained in sheets for several minutes which made us think that we may have to force things inside for a standing room only crowd. Kari was noticeably upset but ready to roll with the punches as was I. As soon as we were ready to move things inside, the rain stopped we got the chairs to dry and everything got started.

With the cloud cover it made things scary as we were waiting for things to get wet all over again but somehow the rain ceased just long enough for us to get things going. The ceremony went perfectly except for one small issue...did anyone else know that in LDS civil marriages that the couple is supposed to write their own vows? This was news to me! I took a glance at our Bishop's notes and when I read to that point I turned white as a ghost and asked him quietly to skip that part. Who knew?? Either way, the ceremony was beautiful and for a few minutes as we were exchanging rings, the clouds parted perfectly and Kari had the sun shining directly on her, she was beautiful. We joked later that maybe Michelle was manifesting her approval once more. :)

Kari's family is fantastic, I had an opportunity to meet her brothers and her sister altogether and had a fantastic time getting to know them better. I am excited for future opportunities to get together with them. I have so many in laws!! My Mom and Steve, Dad and Patti, and my brothers were there along with Lori, Leon and Tyler and Tosha. Mindy and Nate had made plans months ago for a family outing but we know they would have been there if possible and they were missed. I am so grateful that Michelle's family was able and willing to attend. They are as much a part of my family's life as my own immediate family and it meant a great deal to both Kari and I that they were there. After a short reception we took off to Park City for the weekend.

We stayed at the Westgate at the Canyons. What a beautiful resort. The room was big, beautiful and the rest of the accomodations were very nice. My best friend was kind enough to call me at 3:00am to make sure that all was well and to see if we needed anything or had any questions. When I saw his name on the caller id I should have sent it stratigh to voicemail. Short of that minor interuption, our first night together was amazing. Saturday we had a fun day together going down to SLC for some shopping and a movie followed by a trip down the Alpine slide. We went to the University of Utah student store and got Kari all outfitted for her first season of Utah football. I don't know if I've ever been as attracted to her as I was watching her put on all that red. I took the liberty of getting some necessities for myself for the upcoming season so I'd like to think that we are all set for another magical season on the hill. Saturday night we went to an outstanding restaurant in Park City called Ghidotti's compliments of Steve, my Mom's boyfriend. Tremendous meal, service, the works. I would highly recommend it if you are in the area.

From there, Sunday we scrambled to get out of our room on time as we didn't wake up until 10:00 and had to check out by 10:30. We went back down to SLC and took a walk around temple square and got excited at the thought and opportunity of being sealed together in a year. The tentative plan is to go to Hawaii for our one year anniversary and taking care of it than. We than went to dinner at Rodizio Grill which was Kari's first experience there. She LOVED it, says it's her new favorite resaurant, and honestly who could argue with her. Unless you are a vegan, you gotta love it. We than picked up all the clothes from Kari's house, glad we bought a Yukon or I have no idea how we could have fit everything! Sunday night introduced us to the first night with all eight of us. Navigating through piles of clothes to get 6 little ones to bed was difficult but not as bad as we thought. Bribery sometimes works wonders! The boys went down and stayed down without a problem. The girls unfortunately, different story. In their defense, they are now living in the basement in one big bedroom. Brit and Matti were scared and Brooklyn was having seperate issues. It took a couple hours and a few visits to get things under control and finally they were asleep. So 2.5 hours for all six to fall asleep we guess wasn't too bad for day one.
We know it won't be easy but we know it's going to be worth it. We are dedicated to making life as normal as possible for all of us but especially the kids. They seem to be doing well but we know that there are going to be hiccups along the way that we will have to negotiate. Nothing we can't handle. Kari impresses me everyday with her calm demeanor. Must be a trait of a teacher because I have never had it. She'll definitely be the calm one of the two of us. Leave it to me to overreact and yell while she calms me down. I love being with her. We have had so much fun getting to know each other since we've been together.

Something about those Yellow Monarchs...

Yesterday evening after returning from work, Kari was watching Colton play on the grass in the frontyard (and eating dirt) while I was pruning the rose bushes in the courtyard. After throwing the dead stuff away we were just standing there talking when a big Yellow Monarch Butterfly flew down and landed right in front of Kari and I on one of my flower bushes. We both looked at each other and smiled. I reached down to try to pick it up and it acted as though it wasn't afraid of me at all. As I tried to pick it up it jumped off the bush and flew around both of us before going over by Colton and fluttering around him for a second. It caught his attention and he just got a huge smile across his face.

I told him Mommy says hi and he went back to eating dirt. The butterfly came back towards us and landed again right in front of us on another bush. I again tried to reach down to pick it up and it did the exact same thing again before this time flying over towards the other side of my front yard. After circling Kari and I twice, I assumed that was a good confirmation that Michelle must approve of the two of us together. I looked over at Kari and told her "I think Michelle likes you!"

I don't want people to think that I believe for one second that Michelle was reincarnated as a yellow butterfly but I do believe 100% that when someone passes and they go to the "right" place that they likely have certain influence to put certain things in certain places at certain times to remind their loved ones that they are still with them. There have been too many instances since she has passed with Yellow Monarch butterflys to ignore them. It's happened to many members of our family since she passed, unexplainable "coincidences" that give me every reason to believe that she everywhere around us, watching over us constantly. It makes it easier to deal with the pain of her passing to know that she is allowed to pay us a visit from time to time.

Announcement! Drumroll..........

Okay, here it is. After playing with everyone about what's going on, and with family already starting to spread the word, you know who you are, I wanted people to find out from me. Many people on facebook have been asking about August 14 and what is going on that day...
I mentioned Kari in my last post to the blog, well after confirmation and support from all the people that need to be involved in the decision making process, we have decided to get married August 14. TAKE A DEEP BREATH!!!!!
Okay, better now? Yes it's soon, yes I'm crazy but I know it's the right thing to do. The plan is to have a small private ceremony in her parents backyard with only immediate family (including Michelle's family) as guests. We will have an open house a couple weeks later so all others who would like to can come by.
I am very excited, she is very excited, we have been watching the Brady Bunch a lot to learn how to make it all work and are actively searching for a good "Alice" so if anyone knows a loud housekeeper with a beehive, please let me know. We will be living in my house for as long as necessary. We still need to sell her house in South Jordan so get the word out. We are going to look at homes in between Herriman and South Jordan when we are ready to move. Not sure when that will be but I have a feeling we will be busting at the seams shortly at my place.
I am so grateful that so soon after Michelle passing that I found someone that makes me so happy. I love Kari so much and am so excited to spend the rest of my life with her. We are going to pursue getting sealed when the circumstances allow it, hopefully no more than one year. I know Michelle approves because she couldn't have set it up more perfectly. She SHOVED Kari right at me, there is no doubt in my mind that they will be the best of friends through the eternities.
So there it is, the speculation and office pools can end, August 14 it is and I could not be more excited.

What's going on in our world..

Other than the fact that I am convinced that I control weather patterns based on my car cleaning habits, not a whole lot has been going on. Brooklyn has been participating in cheer camp on Monday's at the Lehi Legacy center and Wyatt is busy being Wyatt and playing with his buddies every chance he gets. Colton has been learning to walk faster and more effectively get into anything and everything that he possibly can. Chances are that he will be getting tubes in his ears soon as he seems to have a problem with ear infections that we are trying to get figured out.
What am I up to you wonder? After persuasion from a couple of co-workers, I opened an account with eharmony. I didn't know initially whether I was ready to date anyone or not, but I flipped through a few profiles just to see if there was really anyone out there that was looking for a widower with three young children. Apparantly, there is at least one. I took a chance and sent a young lady a "wink" or "nudge" or whatever term they call it when you are trying to get someone's attention via the internet. (When did this happen? When did people stop meeting each other in stores, church, work?? What happened to the world?) So anyway, she replied with her own version of a wink. We emailed back and forth for a couple of days to try to get a feel for each other's personalities. She took me off guard and asked if i wanted to go hit a bucket of golf balls that Friday. So, just to paint a picture, pretty blonde girl with a beautiful smile, funny, and WANTS to go golfing, in my book that's 3 for three. So Thursday rolled around, the day before we were supposed to go out, Colton had an ear infection so I picked him up from Grandma's to take him to the Dr. After the Dr. visit, I was pulling into my neighborhood when something special happened. I can't quite put it into words, I looked toward the sky and I swear I was looking straight into heaven. Michelle may as well have been sitting right there next to me. I was overcome unlike I have been since shortly after she passed. The whole week I was wondering if I was ready to get back out there and start seeing people again and she gave me a definitive answer. I KNOW she wants me to be happy. I KNOW she wants me to find someone to help me raise our kids and be an example to my kids and to me.
So it's been almost two weeks and things could not be going better. Her name is Kari. She was married prior for ten years and was divorced nearly two years ago by no fault of her own. She has three beautiful kids that I care deeply about, a 9 year old son and 6 and 3 year old daughters. Go ahead, make the Brady Bunch jokes, I've been hearing them all week! Our kids get along very well and her scenario with her ex is very cordial which is important to me. She makes me laugh, I enjoy being with her, I don't like it when we are apart and I love the fact that she has the same goals and aspirations that I do. She's beautiful and so far I am crazy about her.
I know and I am expecting to get some flak for it being too soon and those that I have talked to about it have been more supportive than I could possibly have expected, especially Michelle's parents. I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am for her family and all their love and support that they not only showed Michelle but me for the last 9+ years. Please know that I would not be doing this if I wasn't ready and if I knew Michelle wasn't all for it. My biggest fear is bringing her to church for the first time and watching everyone's heads turn and knowing that the whispers are about me but I think I'm ready to deal with it. If anyone else thinks they know me better and think they have a better idea of what I need, please keep it to yourself or approach me with your concerns and I will hear you out but please don't put yourself in my situation if you haven't been there. I only say this because of the society we live in, people can't help it.
Thank you to everyone for all that you have done for my family.

Make the blog more manly..

I had no choice, I had to do it. The floral pattern just wasn't working for me anymore. Thank you Brittany for all your help! Maybe in 12 more years I'll give you a call to help walk me through it again!
So life hasn't slowed down since the last post. I'm pretty much back to work full time and life is going full speed. Brooklyn is at cheer camp on Monday afternoons, Wyatt is the wildest and funniest four year old boy in the world, and Colton finally said screw crawling and started walking all over the place. We are all doing fantastic. Not to say that the last few weeks haven't been very tough on everybody but we accept the fact of what happened and we are all doing our best to move forward. There are times when I have felt guilty for doing as well as I am doing but than I have read a couple of books recently that have reassured me that it is okay to be happy and to move forward. Russell M. Nelson and Paul H. Dunn (RIP) have a way of putting things into perspective and helping answer questions about the reality of the situation.
I am loving the fact that I apparantly slept through June-September and woke up somewhere in the middle of October. What is up with the weather?!?!?!? I think we are in our 5th or 6th straight day of rain and 6/7 of the next few days are rainy. I could bring the sun back out by simply selling my motorcycle but I'm not ready to do that just yet. Any thoughts anyone? Motorcycle vs 4 wheeler? Your input may just be what pushes to towards holding on or selling.
I am so grateful for my family, friends and work associates at this time as well. Everyone has been so supportive of every decision I have made since Michelle's passing. I'm doing my best, everyday is a challenge but we're doing great! Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes and I swear, I am getting to thank you cards for the donations to the kids and foundation this next week!
PS I am now officially driving the coolest truck in Utah

Back from Vegas, back to real life

I had a nice little three day rereat to Las Vegas for work Wed-Friday. It really was a great deal down there, they sent us down by air, kept us at the New York New York on the strip and really didn't work us too hard at all. We got in fairly early on Wednesday and had some time to kill before having a cocktail party (we drank Coke and Fresca of course) and than we had a dinner with some awards and a speaker before getting turned loose. Thursday was pretty relaxed with meetings until 3:00 and than the whole day off. Thursday night was a blast. We went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at Caesars befire running to the Belagio to see "O" by Cirque Du Soleil. Absolutely unbelievable. I can't imagine where they find the people to do the stuff that the show requires. If you get a chance, go check it out!! After that, we went out to the Stratosphere to take on the sky rides. Since most of us had done the Big Shot we decided to do two of the other rides. I forget the name of both of them, but holy crap. I wish I would have had a change of pants! Friday was a couple of short meetings and than the flight home. It was nice to wake up to my kids this morning after the days without them.
Today was a great day with the kids. A friend of ours set up for the kids to meet and ride a couple of horses up in Bell Canyon. The family was so sweet, the horses were so gentle and the kids had an amazing experience. One very special experience was shortly after we got there, a huge yellow monarch butterfly came out of nowhere and almost "kissed" Wyatt on the nose before circling Brooklyn's head twice and than taking off. The lady that owner the horses said in fourteen years she had never seen anything like that at her place, we all looked at each other and all of us agreed that it was likely Michelle that was responsible and in her own little way, dropping by to say hello and I love you to the kids. After playing with the animals for a little while, I took the two oldest to Toys R Us with the gift card that my Marine buddy Joey put together with his shop. The kids had a ball picking virtually everything they wanted, Christmas may get cancelled this year!! :)
After being away for a couple of days, coming home to the house again made me reflect back on Michelle most of the day. It is still hard to believe that she is gone. It just doesn't seem real. It's very difficult to deal with. I hate going to bed alone and I hate looking around the room forgetting momentarily that she isn't there anymore. It is so hard but I know she is with us always and that with time it will get easier. I see her in the face of all three of my beautiful kids, I see her in the sunrise and set, I feel her everywhere I go. We all miss her but knowing that we will see her again one day makes it easier. Our nine year anniversary would have been June 1.
I am anxious and aprehensive about the future. I know that I will eventually move on and I pray that all will be supportive of whenever I make the decision to do so. My kids and I have a busy summer ahead. We are trying to manage Dad+3, I feel vastly outnumbered but we are getting it figured out. Broooklyn and Wyatt are tremendous helpers for Daddy in dealing with Colton. As he gets more mobile, he gets more difficult to control.

We say goodbye one last time..

I am really going to do my best to stay on top of this blog because I know that is what Michelle would want me to do. As I go forward, please be patient as the posts may be fewer and less often but I can promise that I will try, blogging for me is a fairly new experience..

Last night and today were very special days as we had the opportunity to say goodbye to Michelle one final time. her viewing was yesterday, May 20 at Wing Mortuary in Lehi. There was a tremendous turnout and miraculously, it ended right on time. We thought for sure that we were going to be there into the late hours of the night. Prior ot the viewing, and I would kill myself if I forgot these details, on Tuesday night, Leon, Lori and I had the chance to dress Michelle in her temple robes and do her hair and make up. None of us were really sure how this was going to go and we were all understandably nervous. When we first arrived at the mortuary, she was laying there, on the cold metal table in her temple dress. It was very difficult to see her lifeless body laying there so vulnerable and helpless. I initially got very emotional and fortunately Lori was there to help me cry on her shoulder and gain my composure. When we all had a few minutes to catch our breath, Quinn from the mortuary helped us get things going. We got her dressed with little discussion and than were able to move onto her makeup and hair. This is where it got exciting..
We aren't sure what happened exactly but the three of us just started talking about some of the memories of Michelle but as we started her makeup, we couldn't help but start laughing as we could only imagine Michelle watching us from on high and just laughing at the effort we were making to try to do her justice. She was always so beautiful and she had such a way of making herself up daily that made her so stunning. I have never done make up anywhere, on anyone, EVER!! But I took the reigns and made it happen. It involved several q-tips, cotton balls and tissues but somehow or another, we did her justice. I later found out that concealer and lipstick are not the same thing even though the manufacturer insists on putting them in identical containers. I did my best, I think she would appreciate it, regardless of how good or bad we feel we did. It gave us an opportunity to laugh and joke about her for a few minutes privately together which the three of us really enjoyed.
Her viewing went very well. Great turnout, many tears and lasting, loving tributes. It was very fiiting for her, being the angel that she was and is to have so many visitors and loved one's there to pay their respects.
This morning was the funeral. I wasn't lloking forward to speaking as up until this morning I had nothing prepared to say. I trusted that she would be right there beside me to guide me and she for sure was. She opened my mind to some great memories as soon as I got up this morning. I immediately upon getting out of the shower grabbed a pen as I didn't want to forget anything that she was whispering in my ear. The funeral was set up very nicely and again we had many visitors come through prior to the service to not only pay Michelle their respects but to also show me their love and support which I greatly appreciated. The hardest part by far since her passing was when we had to close the casket one last time after veiling her face. It was hard to know that I will not see her beautiful face again other than in pictures until we meet in heaven. The service was beautiful. Leon, Jackie and I all did very well and I really feel that she was honored as she should have been. Natalie Griffith and Christine Ivie sang a beautiful rendition of Nearer My God To Thee and Tyler played Ashokan Farewell on the Piano. We did our best to make it light, funny, but at the same time touching and with perspective. She had touched the lives of so many for so long. It was nice to see the turnout, the room was packed. I was honored to be able to speak about the many fun times that we had together and about her little quirks like bunco and her adorable crooked smile forced on her by numerous surgeries. She was loved by so many ad will obviously never be forgotten.
I have greatly appreciated the kind words spoken of her and also the thoughts and well wishes that have been directed to me through all of this. I was married to a truly amazing woman. My kids were blessed with the best mother in the world, and I know her parents could not possibly be prouder of the daughter that they did such a good job bringing up. Thank you to all the attended both physically and in spirit. Thank you to all that donated to my children and her foundation as well. My family is so well taken care of, we are so blessed to live where we live and to have so many amazing people surrounding us. I know there is a reason we are living here at this time. We truly were guided here by powers on high and I could not be happier than I am right now. I am excited for what lies ahead. I know it will be difficult and I know that Michelle will be right there beside me in all that I do. I expect her to mess with me from time to time as she did here while she was alive and I welcome it. As the Alan Jackson song "Sissy's Song" states, "Don't worry 'bout me", I know Michelle is in the loving arms of so many that have gone before her, she loved and was loved by so many, thank you for everything that everyone has done. Love to all!

Michelle's obituary

This will also be printed in the Deseret News and Salt lake Tribune Tuesday May 18

Michelle Langston Bancroft (January 22, 1981 - May 18, 2009) Sign Guest Book

We say good bye to a loving Mother, Wife, Daughter and Friend as Michelle has been called back to the loving arms of her Heavenly Father. Michelle succumbed to a three year long courageous battle with cancer. Michelle fought a hard fight without complaining or asking why she was forced to go through any of the pain and suffering that she endured. She was born on January 22, 1981 in Salt Lake City and she passed away on May 18, 2009 in Saratoga Springs.
She is survived by her devoted husband, three young children, mother, father, brother and sister along with several nieces and nephews. Michelle touched the lives of so many throughout the country as many read about her struggles and triumphs on her blog. Although leaving a void in our lives she will never be forgotten as we know we are joined with her together for eternity. Our sincerest heartfelt thanks goes out to the staff of many Doctors and nurses that provided her such incredible care at Huntsman cancer institute through several surgeries and treatments.
Michelle’s family asks that in lieu of flowers, contributions be made to an account in her name at Zion’s First National Bank where half will be contributed to her children and the other half to a cancer foundation in her name. Memorial services will be as follows:
Funeral services will be held Thursday, May 21, 2009 at 11:00 a.m. at the Saratoga Springs Stake Center, 587 South Saratoga Road. Family and friends may call Wednesday, May 20, 2009 from 6-8:00 p.m. at Wing Mortuary, 118 East Main, Lehi and Thursday morning from 9:30-10:30 a.m. at the Stake Center. Interment, Lehi City Cemetery. Online guest book at wingmortuary.com.

Michelle's Viewing and Funeral Details

Viewing will be held Wednesday May 20 at Wing Mortuary in Lehi, UT. 118 East Main Lehi, UT 84043 from 6:00-8:00pm

Viewing and Funeral services will be held Thursday May 21 at the Saratoga Springs Stake Center. 587 S. Saratoga Rd. Saratoga Springs UT 84045. The viewing will be from 9:30-10:30 and the service will begin at 11:00. The gravesite service will take place at Lehi cemetary. A small family luncheon will be served afterwards at our chapel near our house.

Thank you to all for your kind words and thoughts throughout the day. They have been much appreciated by us all.

Gone but never to be forgotten, Michelle bancroft 1/22/1981-05/18/2009...by Justin

Michelle passed away very peacefully this morning at 4:00am. She fought harder than anyone could have anticipated and stared this disease right in the face without once backing down. There were times that we thought she had this thing beat but our Father in Heaven had plans for her on the other side. She has touched the lives of more than can be counted throughout this ordeal and I'm sure her influence will be felt by many for years to come. I will hopefully have arrangements secured for the viewing and funeral later today and will update this as soon as I can.

Scary night and sign of things to come...by Justin

I know it's been a little while and several people have asked why I haven't posted anything. There really hasn't been anything to add, until last night. At roughly 10:15 we were just starting to settle down for the night. Michelle was having a difficult time breathing all day yesterday. Although her oxygen saturation was high, between 94-100 all day, she just can't get on top of being short of breath. She was brushing her teeth and than tried to catch her breath on the edge of the baththub. I noticed that she was starting to drift in and out so I got her into bed. Once she was in bed, I checked her oxygen saturation and it was 100, perfect. I got myself situated and into bed when Michelle reminded me that we hadn't flushed her lines yet. I got her saline and heperin taken care of and when I was clearing her second line she started to get a little shaky and seemed to be falling forward towards me. I laid her down and threw everything away and when I came back to bed, she was not responsive. I checked her saturation again and it was at 81 (anything below 90 is not good). She continued to be non-responsive for a couple more minutes, I turned her air up, checked to make sure her oxygen hose was clear, everything I could think of but her saturation continued to drop. By the time I called the nurse, it was as low as 47. knowing that Michelle has a DNR in place, I was torn between trying to do all I could to revive her or simply hold her hand and let her go peacefully.
I know what is eventually going to happen and I know there is nothing anyone can do to change it but this just came up all too fast. I called a neighbor friend who happened to be on duty last night with Saratoga PD, he came out and helped me assess her. He took her hand and asked if she wanted medical attention, she squeezed his hand but says now that she didn't knowingly do that. Medical attention arrived but I made sure that they understood that she would not be taken from the house and that she didn't want any heroic measures. After my friend Jared arrived, she started to come around on her own. Her saturation got better and better and she regained consciousness.
Last night was an experience that I know all too well will repeat itself and next time I will do what I know is right. There is more to what happened last night with seemingly all of Utah county police and medical in the front yard and in the house but the details are not important. I did hold Michelle's hand last night and told her how much I love her and to go if she felt like it was the right time. I don't know if this was supposed to be some sort of drill but at least I will be better prepared for whatever comes at me next time. She slept pretty well last night, her oxygen saturation has been in the mid 90's with one small dip this morning to 87 for a few seconds.
This obviously can't be a good sign and I know in my heart that she doesn't have much time left. I have to make a decision to close the door to visitors until she is gone or shows some improvement. It takes too much out of her to entertain people even though I know she likes the attention. I'm going to do my best to keep her in bed as much as possible. She is out of energy simply getting up to go to the couch.
If you haven't had the chance to visit and still want to, please call or text me and I'll try to arrange for it but I can't make any promises. Understand though as well that last time we were at a "critical" point, I got 367 text messages in one day. It gets overwhelming. There will be a time to properly pay your respect, but be mindful and respectful knowing that although your well wishes are personal, it gets very overwhelming coming from everyone that we know. At this point it's vital that we get as much uninterrupted time together with the kids. If I do not respond to your message it isn't personal, I just don't have time to give everyone an individual update on what's going on. I'll be sure to update again when we have any new events transpire.

Not much to say but...by Justin

Nothing has really changed since the last post but I understand that when there is nothing new written, people either interpret it one of two ways; catastrophic or relieving.
Michelle's condition hasn't changed. She is now on hospice so there will be no more visits to doctors or hospitals. We have had so many visitors and as much as we enjoy everyone coming over to wish us well, sometimes too much of a good thing can be exhausting for both of us. We have changed our visitor "policy" a couple of times by adjusting hours where our door is open, etc but we decided late last night that we are going to take the rest of the week, tonight-Friday night off for visitors and just catch up on some family time. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY anyone who has come over thus far!! Noone "helped" us make this decision, we just want a couple days to catch our breath and enjoy more time together one on one + kids. We also have some people travelling in from out of state and we want to be able to give them some time as they have spent a great deal to come see us on such short notice.
Feel free to give us a call this weekend if you would like to come by for a visit, again, keep 'em short and sweet!

So many visitors and food! by Justin

Nothing again has really changed since the last post but just to dispel rumors before they get started, we are in the process of starting Michelle on hospice. Hospice by no means is any sign of imminent doom but just more of a help for Michelle's comfort and our family's well being. We will get all the help that we need through this service and don't have to worry about any more doctor visits, panic due to lab results, etc. We can now just focus on getting our family ready for what is happening around us and dealing with it appropriately.
Michelle is in great spirits. She has her moments but she is still defying the odds and seemingly dealing with this better than everyone around her. I don't know where she gets it from but she finds the energy to smile, laugh and even give me crap from time to time. I have been testing her competence in asking nearly everyday if I can either buy a motorcycle or a new truck and everyday without fail she shuts me down. Good to see that somethings never change.
As a final note for today, the ward and family have pretty much kept our bellies full on dinners. Please as you come to visit, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not bring dinner unless you have talked to us about it. We are out of fridge space and I don't want anything to be wasted. Also, my kids are constantly of the walls with candy and other sugary treats, please do not bring anymore junk food unless it is for Michelle, I sure don't need anymore either.

No news is good news: By Justin

Many people have gotten concerned with what's going on since there hasn't been any updates over the last few days. As titled, no news is good news. Since we got her oxygen figured out she has been doing much better. She is still sprouting new spots but is feeling much better each day. We really didn't think if you would have asked us last Monday that she would be here still but she is doing really well the last few days.
Dr. Bentz, or Brandon as he has insisted we call him, came out yesterday for a nice visit. I don't know about you but I have never met a Dr. and a team of care providers that cares so deeply about their patients even after they are no longer in charge of their care. I don't think we would have ever guessed that the team of Dr.'s and nurses would end up being such fantastic friends. Michelle has had a lot of fluid collecting in the right side of her abdomen and it may be related to her liver. Brandon talked to the powers that be and we may take her in for an outpatient (hopefully) procedure to drain the fluid. This should help her feel much better once this is done. She can't go without oxygen still and probably won't ever be able to go off it. She is very reliant on it and it is cranked way up but whatever makes her feel better. Her recent spike in feeling better is a very welcome sight yet for me at the same time is somewhat disheartening as it somewhat gives a sense of false hope but we are all enjoying her recent recovery. We'll take any victory we can get and are still holding out for a miracle.
On another positive note, I came home today to see a huge team of people decorating my yard with beautiful flowers. Some of our old neighbors came out and had a load of mulch delivered and before long a whole team of people were over planting flowers. My yard has never looked better. I've lived here 4 years and in a couple short hours my yard was completely made over. I cannot thank those responsible enough for all that has been done to help my family through this difficult time. I have heard from so many people that I haven't talked to in forever. Many old friends, family, Marine brothers, etc. It has been such a nice reunion of sorts. It's amazing how far and wide something like this can spread and bring out the best in people.

How did all this happen? Posted by Justin

Many people that have just started following this blog have asked how all of this happened to Michelle. I thought it appropriate to summarize more or less what brought all this on.

We are pretty sure that it started shortly before we were married. Days before Michelle and I started dating she had a mole on her lower jaw that was removed. The Dr. thought it looked suspiscious and had it sent out for further testing. After a few days and a couple of different evaluations it was determined that the mole looked cancerous but in fact was not. They called it psuedomelanoma. It looked bad but was benign. Five years passed and we didn't give it a second thought until a bump started to form behind and below her left ear. We had a Dr. in Orem look at it and he determined that regardless of what it was that it needed to come out. She went through a very short surgery to remove it it was determined that this tumor was benig so again we felt like we dodged a bullet.
Roughly 11 months later the lump came back along the incision line and we elected to go to a Dr. Hunter at Cottonwood Hospital. He couldn't exactly determine what the problem was but he didn't want to compromise her main facial nerve and given that all signs pointed to the tumor being benign he decided that he would debulk the tumor as much as possible and radiate the remaining tumor so that she wouldn't have facial paralysis. After a couple weeks of pathology andd other tests, Dr. Hunter let us know that the tumor had malignant tendencies and in some ways mimicked melanoma. He than took her back to surgery and had no choice but to remove the tumor, along with the facial nerve. Another Dr. assisted by grafting her seral nerve from her left leg and grafted it in. We thought that margins were clear and it was thought at the time that it was a peripheral nerve sheath tumor. Dr. Hunter evaluated her for several months for follow up. After awhile, she noticed a firmness in her left cheek and aklong the incision line again. Dr. Hunter did a minimally invasive procedure to get samples of tissue to further evaluate. He called about two weeks later and said that the tumor had returned and was appearing to be spreading into her cheek and the surrounding area. He recommended at this point that she be treated by Dr. Bentz at Huntsman Cancer Institute.
We started at Huntsman about a year and a half ago. Dr. Bentz initially consulted her and advised of what he would like to do but always gave us the ultimate decision making power. He has been a tremendous resource for us as a physician and friend. We decided to try a procedure that would remove a big portin of tissue behid and below her ear and bring the skin from her neck up and stitching in place over what was removed. This was roughly a 6 hour procedue and at this point her fourth surgery on this same area. She recovered very well other than a 2-3 bout with shingles that was very painful and caused tremendous swelling on the left side of her face.
Not long after this surgery she formed a loarge blister like lesion behind her ear where most of the problems had taken place before. She went to our family physician and he tried to drain it but nothing really drained. He recommended that we go back to Huntsman. Dr. Bentz took a sample and had pathology take a look, it again was cancer. The decision was made that if we had any chance to beat this thing that a radical resection of all tissue involved would need to go. This included her left ear and her left cheek. Over the course of a 19 hour surgery, the Dr.'s removed the tissue and did a "flap" transfer" from her left thigh to patch in the resected area. This surgery was hell on Michelle and caused her indescribable pain. She again pushed through and overcame this problem and eventually responded well to radiation treatment. We thought that maybe we had this thing beat.
Following all of these procedures, we continued to consult with Dr. Bentz and his team. Scans were done to see if any metastasis had taken place and several spots showed in Michelle's lung and one in her back. We were than handed over to Dr. Akerly, the medical oncologist to determine what could be done to treat the disease. We settled on a more or less experimental treatment called interleukin II. The drug is used to treat people with kidney diseases and cancer. This treatment reqired one week in the hospital and side effects simialr to a bad flu with nausea, retaining water, pain and significant discomfort. She gained roughly 20 pounds during that weak and ended up with some fluid in her lung. After the week in the hospital, she would go 9 weeks with no treatment but would get a scan to determine if it appeared to be working. To our surprise and the Dr.'s, all of the tumors in her lung were smaller and she appeared to be responding to the treatment very well. We decided to go through round 2 of the treatment and through all the side effects, she again did very well.
It was than decided that the best form of treatment for her back would be through radiation. But the problem arose that over a very short period of time the tumor went from the size of a golf ball to roughly the tize of my fist. It was too big for radiation and we were referred to Dr. Yonamura at the University Neurological unit. He performed a surgery that removed two of her vertebrae as the tumor was encroaching on her spinal cord. He did not get all of the tumor and Michelle again had to go through hell on her road to recovering from this surgery. The plan was after the surgery that she would start radiation to treat the remainder of the tumor. She spent 16 days in the hospital and came home, doing pretty well physically. At this point is where my last post begins. Since than everything has gone down hill.
On a more positive note, Michelle recieved so many visitors yesterday and it really seemed to help her out physically. She was able to come out on the porch and visit with family and friends. Although the visits seemed to help, she was exhausted by the end of the day. We are more than willing to accept visitors and I know she loves the company but we ask that if you are going to visit that you please keep your visit brief giving everyone a chance to take a few moments alone with her. She did very well yesterday and I would say that it was probably her best day in the last 4-5 days. We hope to see continual improvement. She has taken her last chemo dose for the next three weeks and is still being treated for an infection that we don't believe exists. Her spirits are strong although her body is extrememly weak. her strength and determination amaze me every day. I do not know anyone that has gone through so much and affected the lives of so many people as she has. I joke with her that if I died that my funeral could fit in a phone booth but there is not a building anywhere that could accomodate all those that love her and that she has affected in her 28 years here on earth. We know that she is in good hands and that the Lord is mindful of her and our family at this difficult time. It hasn't been easy but we know there is a reason for everything that happens and we are prepared for whatever life throws at us.

Here's the truth. Posted by Justin

I have done my best to censor at Michelle's request the blog updates from the last week or so. I asked Michelle for permission to post the truth about the severity of the situation. Michelle came home from the hospital after her last surgery and showed some promise of improvement. After being home for ten days she started to fight an infection. She had a constant fever of over 101 for around 3 days. She also pointed out to me about three spots that had shown up, a lump on the top of her head, one in her armpit and one on the right side of her jaw. I knew what they were as soon as she showed me, we didn't need a Dr's confirmation.
She went to her Dr that afternoon and he confirmed our worst fears. The treatments are no longer working and the cancer is having it's way with her. The three spots have become at last count 44. That is only what we can see and feel. We don't know exactly what's going on inside her body and against her organs. She is on more pain medications than you can possibly imagine, antinausea meds, antibiotics, and chemotherapy. The chemo is a last ditch effort and it would surprise everybody if it worked at all. It isn't designed to cure her at this point, just buy her time. She only has one more day of the chemo and than 23 days off before starting again.
If you have been trying to figure out when to come see her, now is the time. She isn't going anywhere right away, but it is coming. She will not be returning to the hospital if at all possible, she wants to go at home surrounded by her family. It will be difficult for all of us but this is what she wants. We are hoping that it will be a tremendous spiritual experience for our family but our biggest hope is that she will not suffer any longer than she needs to.
As you read this I'm sure this may come as a shock to many of you as we have all held out hope as long as possible. I wish I could give everyone some sort of timeframe but it is coming sooner rather than later. please don't put off saying your goodbyes. If it is too difficult to come see her, we completely understand. She can feel your love and support. Our door is open unless she is not feeling up to visitors but we are accomodating everyone that we can that wants to come see her.
Our ward, family and friends have been fantastic. I cannot say thank you enough to everyone for all that they have done to help and support our family. We are so grateful to her care providers at Huntsman as well. What an amazing faclity it is. We are so blessed to have such an incredible hospital so close. Her Dr's have been incredible as have all of her nurses. We have forged everlasting relationships with many people at the hospital and we will never forget any of them. Please keep Michelle in your prayers but turn your thoughts and prayers to her comfort.

Update on Michelle from Justin

Michelle was allowed to come home today from the Huntsman Cancer Hospital. She was there for 12 days this time around. She has spent 28 of the last 38 days in the hospital. After several days of fishing for an infection, countless needle sticks and bags and bags of medication, it was determined that she likely never had an infection and that it is either the cancer itself or her body recognizing that there is a problem somewhere and trying to fight it off. Either way, no infection so Dr. Akerly decided to go ahead and start a new chemotherapy treatment. The treatment is designed to help shrink the tumors with very limited side effects. She has to take pills 5 days in a row, 23 days off, 5 days in a row and 23 days off. At that point they will evaluate her to determine if the treatment is working and continue the treatment if effective and discontinue if not.
Michelle is on a Fentanyl pain pump and oxygen 24 hours a day. She is still dealing with a lot of pain from her last surgery as well as other issues that her body is dealing with. Hopefully being home will provide her an emotional boost that will reflect physically and allow her some time to enjoy the kids outside of a hospital room. She really needs to take the next 24 hours to get situated at home before I would like to see her recieve many visitors. Please call me if you are just dying to see her and I will let you know if she is really feeling up for visitors. Her time at home is precious so I would like to allow her as much time to enjoy the kids and her family as much as possible.
As for me, I have one more day in this class before I get a little bit of a break. I have adjusted my work schedule as well to provide me more time at home with the kids at night. I have been blessed with great parents and in laws that not only help with the kids and around the house but also allow me an opportunity to have some much needed time for myself to keep me balanced.

Update from Justin at Michelle's request..

Michelle wanted me to take a minute to update everyone on her current goings on. She is still in the hospital as they are trying to find the source of her infection. She has been recieveing plasma to thin her blood so that they can do a spinal tap. They wanted to do it a couple of days ago but haven't gotten her blood levels where they need to be. They are supposedly going to get it done today but they were supposedly going to just keep her overnight and that was eight days ago. It's a day to day struggle with everyday seeming to bring new challenges.

Michelle has asked me not to share the entirety of what is currently going on but she is fighting hard and trying her best to come home where she feels she will be more comfortable. The Dr's are trying to help her manage her pain levels and have put her back on Fentanyl drip to help her while in the hospital. She cannot go home while on IV meds so they will need to make sure they get her on the right oral meds so that we don't need to keep shuttling her back and forth from home to huntsman so they can experiment with medications. Her radiation treatments have been put on hold until they get her infection figured out at which point they can have her come in to St. Marks for daily treatment for three weeks. After the three weeks, Dr. Akerley, Michelle and I are going to try to determine a treatment plan for the foreseeable future to see where that gets her.

Thank you to everyone that has been up to see her.

I am humbled this Easter morning. I have been having a lot of really stressful days, but today is Easter and a day for me to sit and reflect on my life that has been a gift. I think about Jesus and all that he went through for me. I know He has felt the pain I have been enduring. I am so grateful to know that the Resurrection is real and one day I too will be Resurrected. I know that nobody else on earth can understand the pain I have been through, except for Jesus. He knows the pain I've felt from every surgery or treatment. It is beauful to think about our Heavenly Father's plan for me. He died for me that I might live. I have such a strong testimony of my Savior's love and know that He is aware of me and my circumstances.
I am so grateful for everything I have and have been blessed with.
I am excited to see the kids today, hopefully they will still be in their Easter clothes. I would love to be at home with them and seeing their excited faces when they see what the Easter bunny brought them. If I can't go home tonight for a few hours, then they will come up and show me. They are the most adorable kids in the world! I just love them so much. They light up a whole room when they come in (not to mention raise the noise level 100% louder!) Little stinkers.

As far as any news on the infection, we still have no source. They want to take some of the fluid on the outside of my lung and test it today. This requires the Interventional Radiology to use ultrasound and a needle. I thought they were taking fluid out of my lung, but they want to do this either instead or first. I'm not sure. From rumors it sounded like they weren't going inside the lung at all. So, this test they are doing today sounds like it takes a couple more days to get results, so that's probably about how long I will be here. Man, I can't seem to get out of these hospitals once I am admitted. At least I am comfortable here and getting the best treatment. After being at the U of U Hospital, I appreciate Huntsman that much more!
I asked about going home for a few hours today and if Hospital policy lets me, I will be able to. I doubt they will let me go because of Hospital policy or because of insurance reasons. Pray I will get out of here for me will ya?

There is good reason it's been a few days since I've been on here. I'm sure some have heard and others are hearing rumors, but yes I am back in the hospital. I started having low grade fevers every now and then since I left the U of U hospital. Over last weekend they went up to 101, which they always tell you to call if it gets that high. One of my chest tube sites looks like it could be infected and also looks like it doesn't want to close. So, I went to my family practice Dr and had him take a culture of the site. He put me on a general antibiotic until we figured out what bacteria was growing. I called him on Wednesday morning to see if he'd gotten results back yet. I had woken up that morning with a fever of 102.5. He called me back and told me that there was a very resilient bug in there that would need strong antibiotics, but he's not sure because it could have just been on the skin and wasn't infecting the area. He told me to go to the E.R. and be admitted, but would rather have me see my team of cancer doctors up at Huntsman. Luckily I already had an appointment the same day.
I met with Dr. Akerley and told him about the fevers and what Dr. Christensen had found. He looked at the chest tube site and thought it actually didn't look infected. It wasn't red or having pus drain out from it. Based off of my fevers alone though, he decided to admit me anyway to figure out at very least what was causing the fevers. Soon after I was admitted we started doing many tests. We did blood cultures, urine tests, x rays, and then it was bed time. Thursday we did CAT scans and an MRI to take a close look at all of the hardware in my back from the surgery and make sure it wasn't infected, which can be very very scary. The scans were also to see if there were any spots of infection basically anywhere else. The only thing they've found really is some fluid in my right lung (the same one that collapsed and has a hole), so they want to have Interventional Radiology get in there with a needle, using ultrasound, and draw the fluid out and test it. If that doesn't come back infected, then I'm not sure what they'll do next. We just keep doing test after test and playing the waiting game.
They are having an Easter Egg Hunt up here at the hospital this morning and Justin is bringing up the kids so I can watch them. We are asking if I can be released from the hospital for at least tomorrow so I can be home for Easter. It all depends on if they find an infection. It also depends on what kind of infection they find and how scary it is and how long it will take to treat it. We are hoping we can treat it at home with an IV still in.
So, that's what's been going on. The best news we got this morning is that there doesn't appear to be any infection near or on the hardware in my back! Yay! I was so super worried about that.
In my last post I talked about going to see Dr. Nirula about the hole in my lung. I ended up canceling that because I was admitted the same day. We now also know there is fluid in my lung. I have been on oxygen basically since I have been up here, so I wonder if they both have something to do with it.
Also I had mentioned that my legs, mostly the left had been hurting from overdoing it trying to squat to pick up stuff around the house. I was also partly worried that I might have blood clots. So, we had my legs checked while I've been here and they are blood clot free.
If I think of anything else, I'll add it. My doctors are standing outside my door discussing me right now and will be coming in shortly. I may add another post if they have anything interesting to say.

Well, I got a phone call asking me not to come in for my PET/CT on Friday. Dr. Akerley cancelled it bacause I will be starting radiation and the fact that it would be very uncomfortable for me to lay on my back for that amount of time.
This weekend went by pretty uneventful. The only new thing is that I have been fighting a fever, which got up to 101. I have one of the chest tube sites that doesn't really want to close and doesn't look too great. I went to my family doc on Monday to get it checked out. He did a culture and gave me some stuff to put on it. He also put me on oral antibiotics.
Today has been a really hard day for me painwise. It's my legs this time, mostly the left. I think I did too much squatting this weekend trying to pick things up off the ground. Normally that would be ok, but my legs have no muscle tone right now and that really overdid it for me. I've had a heating pad on it all day and even took a muscle relaxer to help.
Tomorrow I will be meeting with Dr. Akerley for a follow up. I will also be meeting with Dr. Nirula to check on the hole in my lung, to make sure it has healed. I'm sure it has because my breathing hasn't been strained at all. I also will be asking Dr. Akerley about a few new lumps I've found. We're not sure if they are anything, but they showed up at the same time and are the same size. If it was anyone else I wouldn't be worried, but it's me, so of course I worry.

It's me!!

I'm back! Finally I guess. It's been a very long and frustrating time healing. I haven't read through what Justin has written so I have no idea how updated or what was written, so I guess this is just my point of view.
Since I've been home, I've been out of bed maybe a total of 5-7 hours. It is so hard to move out of the most comfortable position for my back, which is lots of pillows propping me up, and then a couple under my knees. I sleep and pretty much eat this way. I am getting stronger everyday though. I don't have to have help everytime I need to get out of bed now. I feel like I don't need to sleep quite as much either.
It has been nice for the kids to have me home and at least here to listen to them. They seem extra emotional and kind of on a roller coaster since I've been home. I guess that's to be expected. I feel horrible every time Colton wants me to hold him and I can't, but at least I am here with him, right? Wyatt is so hyper and cries easily, and Brooklyn is loving cuddling up to me in bed and reading to me. I'm sure they will all alternate on who's the cuddliest when.
The pain has been the hardest part for me to deal with. I think we are finally figuring it out and getting it under control. My family Dr., who is close to home, has agreed to help figure out my blood levels for my blood clots has also offered to help in anything I need, especially with the pain. I go to him every other day and draw blood to see where my levels are and we adjust the dose of the blood thinners accordingly. I could be on these medications for up to 6 months.
Today I went up to Huntsman to meet with my Radiation oncologist to set up treatment planning, again. I got one new tattoo, which gives me a total of 7 radiation tattoos. Luckily they look like tiny little freckles, which blend in with all the freckles I have anyway. They gave me a sucker with phentinyl (sp?) in it to help with the pain of lying on my back for the planning. They took one CT scan. I guess that was all they had to do. We will be using a mold that we made 4 weeks ago, thank goodness. I didn't want to have to make a new one.
It was a long and tiring day out for me. Tomorrow I'm going back up to Huntsman for a PET/CT scan for Dr. Akerely, my treatment Dr. I meet with him next week to go over it and see where, if anywhere there is cancer and what to do next, other than the radaition, if anything.
So, overall it is so so good to be home, even though this surgery had so many complications and it was a bit frustrating overall, I know it was for the best, and we got a huge tumor out of my back! That's news to celebrate, right? I think so! Give me a few weeks and I might feel up to celebrating. Thanks to everyone for all you love and support, your thoughts and prayers, your meals and service rendered to me and to my family. I couldn't make it without you.
I also know this has been especially hard on Justin. I think he has been exceptionally wonderful in holding our family together. There are so many to thank and to continue to thank. If I start thinking about all the help I've recieved and still recieving, it gets overwhelmingly emotional for me. My mom has been here most days out of the week, working tirelessly with my kids and not a complaint ever heard, my mother in law rearranging her schedule at work to be here when I need her, again with no complaints, just happy to help. My dad for being at the hospital 15 days out of 16, stressing his heart out for his little girl, just wishing he could switch places with me. (oops, I've done it, I'm officially crying now). And for Devon, for working a full time job and then being here with the kids everynight, so Justin could come see me, or go to school. Angels among us? I know so. So, thank you. I love you. You all are so wonderful and help give me the strength to continue this fight for my life.

Home..Finally

Michelle came home yesterday and as expected she was very excited. The kids and Devon made a banner for our garage saying " Welcome Home, Mom", the kids were excited for her to be home too. Maybe she'll have better luck with them listening to her because whenever I say anything it seems to go unnoticed. So she is up and about when she needs to be but is going to be spending much of her time in bed for the coming weeks. She has a busy week with several Dr. appointments and hopefully physical therapy will get her stronger and back to normal sooner rather than later.

Turning a corner?...

Michelle got out of bed and walked the whole floor yesterday to prove to the therapists that she does not need to transfer hospitals. They agreed that she is strong enough and agreed with her that she can go home without staying any longer in the hospital. She does still have the chest tube because the blood thinners that she has are causing her chest to continue to drain. It is draining less and less each day so it is just a matter of time before they can remove that and within 48 hours she should be home. I am crossing my fingers thinking that we are getting close to ending this recent nightmare. knock on wood, wish upon a star, pulling eyelashes, howling at the moon...any other ideas?

Sigh.....

Michelle has blood clots in her arms from the many, many IV's that she has had over the last two weeks. They are loading her up with heperine (sp?) to loosen things up and they "say" that they should dissolve on their own. They also mentioned to her today that they want her to stay in the hospital for awhile longer, even after the chest tube comes out to rehab her and get her stronger before she comes home. Noone seems to know how much longer that will be but it won't be at the University of Utah because we are not covered there for rehab apparantly. SO, they want to move her to the Intermountain Medical Center in Murray to get going with that sometime in the next few days. If you are planning to go visit her, I will update the blog once she has been moved or as soon as we find out when they are going to move her. STAYING POSITIVE but getting ready to hit something really hard!! :)

Longest stay in the hospital so far

Michelle has now spent 12 days in the hospital making this her longest hospitalization so far. She is getting stronger everyday and seems to be making process. Her biggest hang up right now is that she still has her chest tube in. She was up and walking for really the first time yesterday. I didn't get a chance to see her as I had work and class yesterday but I will be able to see her tonight before heading to the Jazz game and sitting in a suite! (Jealous?)
I'm excited for the night out after visiting with her as this will be a nice distraction from reality for a couple of hours. Like I said she is doing better all the time and will be able to come home within a day or two of her tube coming out. She is on the 5th floor of the University Hospital if you would like to visit her. Please call her and if she is feeling well enough for company she will answer, if not, don't be offended, she doesn't answer all the time when I call either! :)
She has been able to see the kids a couple times now since getting out of the ICU which has really cheered her up and at thew same time depressed her as she really misses the kids and wants to get home to help take care of them. Thanks for all your prayers on her behalf. She'll be home soon.

Out of NCCU

Michelle was moved out of the Nuero Critical care unit na dmoved to much more relaxed room on the 5th floor of the Univ. Hospital. Not sure if they will mover her to Huntsman or when that will happen. She cannot go up to Huntsman without her chest tube being taken out anyway so that could happen in the next 24-48 hours.
She had a vicious mirgraine and a lot of nausea yesterday that really kept her from doing much of anything. She slept a lot of the day due to the valium and antinausea drugs that she was on. She is getting stronger but it seems that everytime she starts making progress, something gets in the way. Still no word on when she will be coming home, best guess is mid week but I wouldn't be surprised to see her stay until next weekend as she is still on plenty of IV painkillers.

Doing better everyday

Michelle is looking better, feeling better and making more and more progress all the time. She was sitting up in a chair today for about 30 minutes, I haven't seen her incision but her Mom said it's a good one. We're planning on telling our Grandkids one day that Grandma got in a fight with a shark.
She is much more alert than she has been and seems to be recalling conversations better than she has the last couple of days. One reason I haven't wanted anyone to call her is because she really still sounds worse than she is. I guess that happens when you have a tube shoved down your throat twice in a week for surgeries?! Hopefully her chest tube will come out in the next couple of days and we can get her moved to Huntsman Cancer hotel..errr, Hospital. She wants to post something really quick so from here on out in this post, it's all her...

just want to say hi and let everyone kow I am doing fine and having more progress everyday. It's hard to have visitors because of the hospitals restrictions. I look forward to seeing everyone soon!

Making progress

Michelle had the procedure this morning to get all the fluid and blood out of her chest. It went well, they only made two small incisions on her right side and inserted two tubes to clear everything out. They removed 750 cc's thus far. They say she should be able to move up to Huntsman very soon without a problem. This should help lift her spirits and allow more people to see her without all the restrictions. Also, Huntsman has looser pain management restrictions than the U. Huntsman really does a fantastic job at getting people comfortable without worrying about patients becoming addicts. University hospital is under such tight restrictions and it seems like every nurse is afraid of losing their job everytime you ask for more medication. Michelle's TV in her room doesn't work so she is left with nothing but a wall to look at. It sucks but she knows it is a matter of time before she gets into better circumstances.
The rest of us are managing, it's so hard watching her suffer every day but she is such an inspiration to everyone she comes in contact with. You can tell that she has had it with hospitals, surgeries, drugs, doctor's and nurses, but there is no way she is going to give up anytime soon. Don't bet against her, you'll lose everytime!!

Good and bad today

Good news-They seem to have a good idea of how to control her pain. They did sit her up this morning and they have bed propped up to about a 30 degree angle. She has been able to eat some today, this is the first time since her surgery that she has had a chance to eat anything.

Bad news-The fluid in her lungs has not gotten any better. The tube that they put in her chest isn't working. She has to have a procedure done tomorrow morning to clear her lungs. They shouldn't have to open her up with the exception of a couple holes between her ribs while inserting a camera to make sure they take care of the problem. It is one more thing, like she hasn't gone through enough but this should help her feel better and breathe better. Her right lung has collapsed and this will reinflate it.

I did run up to Huntsman to talk to some of our allies up there to see what could be done to get her a room at Huntsman. The university is a fine hospital but they simply do not provide the same level of care. Michelle hates it there and will be much happier and comfortable at Huntsman where she can order food that is edible and have a staff that specializes in cancer care. Once she is out of the NCCU (neurological critical care unit) we will hopefully have a chance to get her moved. We do not know when she will be coming home, my guess would be in a week from now. I will update again tomorrow.

Update on Michelle from Justin

I went to see Michelle after work today, fortunately her Dad spent most of the day up there with her. She had a rough night and hass had trouble getting on top of the pain but it seems like they might be turning a corner tonight in getting her comfortable. She is still laying flat and really hasn't moved since getting out of surgery last night. Her breathing tube was removed this morning and as of tonight she was awake and aware of what was going on around her.
They did a chest xray earlier today and it showed that she had quite a bit if fluid in her chest. So far her oxygen saturation has been fine and there isn't any immediate need for a chest tube. They will have her sit up in the morning and get her moving a little more constantly.
Bottom line, she looks much better and seems to be feeling much better than she did last night. She wants everyone to know how grateful she is for all of you that care so much for her. She keeps answering the bell each round and fighting this thing as hard as she can. I'll likely add another update thursday and update everyone on how she's doing at that point.

Diagram of what they did in surgery yesterday

I know this a a very crude picture and really lacking detail but hopefully this gives everyone an idea of what they did in surgery yesterday. This is according to what the Dr. told us yesterday following surgery. Looks painful huh? If we get actual pictures or better perspectives of what they did, we may add those later. She did have the breathing tube removed this morning and her Dad is with her today. I will be seeing her later tonight after work. She still cannot recieve visitors and before anyone goes to the hospital, please talk to Leon or myself. Thank you.

Michelle's surgery update

Michelle’s surgery was wrapped up at roughly 9:00pm. Leon, Michelle’s dad was there to meet the Dr. I missed talking to him by about 10 minutes. He said that she did very well. I will summarize with some notes that Leon took following his conversation with the Dr.:
The surgeon removed T9-T10
Spinal fusion was between T6-L2
Most of a rib was removed either on 9 or 10 not sure which.
The incision follows (from what we gather) her spine and along the rib that was removed.
They DID NOT get clear margins. (This means that not all the cancer was removed, there is still some in the operative area that they were unable to get to considering the spinal cord, etc.) There is also a questionable spot that was inoperable on T11. Hopefully radiation will get the rest, we’ll see.
The tumor fortunately bled very little thanks to the procedure she underwent on Saturday. These types of tumors tend to bleed a lot so this was good news.
She is and will continue to receive blood transfusions tonight.
She will experience quite a lot of pain over the next few days especially during her stay in the hospital. The soonest she will be out will be Saturday of this week.
For what it’s worth, the Dr. couldn’t see any of the spots that had been in her lungs but future scans will tell that tale.
She is still intibated and will be through tomorrow morning.
She will be in a very critical care unit of the hospital and cannot receive visitors, phone calls, etc.
It will probably be towards the end of the week before our kids will see her. Leon and I are waiting outside in the waiting room and have not seen her yet. It will be close to midnight before we will be able to see her.
This is all that we know at this point, this was a very invasive procedure, more so that I think either of us imagined. Michelle has been through more than anyone I know personally and I know that many of you can say the same thing about her. I do not know how she continues to fight through surgery after surgery and all the pain that comes with it. She refuses to give up her fight and I know how grateful she is for all the thoughts and prayers on her behalf, as does her family and I.
For my sake, please continue to follow this blog as I will do my very best to update it whenever I have any news this next week. It is too difficult to respond to texts, emails and phone calls from everyone individually. If you are restless and need to call me for any reason, please do so and if I can get to your call I will.
Again thank you all for everything you have done for our family. I will keep everyone posted! J

Update from Justin

Michelle asked me to update everyone on her appointment from earlier today:

We went to the U to talk to her doctor in Neuroscience, Dr. Kenneth Yonemura. Anyway, he had been in contact with Michelle's radiation oncologist and came to the conclusion that surgery would definitely be the most effective treatment option as radiation is not going to be very effective on a tumor this size and this close to her spinal cord. The tumor is in the center of her back, pretty much attached to one of her lower ribs and has encroached into a couple vertebrae in her spinal column. To make a long story short, they are going to have her come up and be admitted tonight so the radiologists can monitor the blood flow into the tumor. There are certain tumors that I guess have a tendency to bleed quite a bit. Of course the tumor Michelle has is this type. They will do whatever they can to cut off the blood supply to the tumor through some procedure with sponges and coils, these are technical terms of course...
She will be home tomorrow afternoon likely and will go back in for surgery on Monday. The surgery will be roughly 8 hours and will include removing the tumor, part of her rib, and the affected vertebrae (probably 3). The plan is to remove as much of the tumor through surgery as possible and than in two or three weeks start radiation to zap the rest.
She will likely be in the hospital for 4-5 nights and will be limited to light lifting (that leaves our baby Colton out) for a couple months. If there is a silver lining to all this, the area of her back that is affected is the middle portion that really stays pretty stationary. It's isn't anywhere where a lot of bending takes place so hopefully this means she will get back to "normal" quickly.
We did ask about the areas in her lungs that were showing up in her last two scans and he couldn't "see" anything obvious. We are hoping this means that her interleukin treatments are working everywhere else and that this will be the last hurdle in her recovery. On Sunday, her dad, brother, brother in law and I will give her a blessing and hopefully provide her with as much comfort as possible as she will likely have a very tough week ahead of her. Thank you to all for your prayers and thoughts on her behalf. You have all been such a blessing to our family and we thank you for what you have all done for us however big or small.
On a personal note, please limit calls to Michelle this weekend as she will be very busy in putting a schedule together for me for next week and getting packed for her week in the hospital. As you can all understand, it is very difficult to go over the same details with every different person that calls. Thank you!!!

After a few phone calls this morning, this is what I know. I know I will be having surgery first, then a couple weeks later I will be in radiation. I will be doing another MRI this afternoon for a different view of my spine. I will meet with Dr. Kenneth Yonemura, a neurosurgeon in the morning to discuss the surgery and figure out how emergent this surgery will be. That's all I know for now. I will write more when I know the date of surgery and try to figure this all out. Frankly I am getting a little nervous. It's my spine. Scary

So, on my way to go to the dentist today and later back to Huntsman, I got a phone call asking me to do an MRI tonight too.
So, I had my teeth cleaned today for the first time in almost 5 years!!! I know, I've neglected them and to be honest I was scared that he was going to find massive cavities. Well, I didn't have any cavities and he said he wished everyone had as good of teeth as I do! What a relief! My teeth feel so good too!
So, I went up to Huntsman and met with Dr. Hitchcock. She showed me the PET/CT that I did in December and then the CT they did on Monday. It definately has grown, not a ton, but enough to scare me. I couldn't see a separation between the tumor and my spinal cord. They keep asking me if I am having any neurological problems, like numbness or loss of motor skills. I'm totally fine, except for the pain from this thing. She also told me that the reason for the MRI is so that a neurosurgeon she has lined up can look at it and they can decide together if we should do surgery and debulk the tumor and then do radiation, or if we should just do the radiation. They will meet tomorrow morning and then I will hopefully find out tomorrow sometime. It sounds like if we go the surgery route, it would be pretty quick, like within the next week sometime. Everything keeps changing so much that I'm sure this could change too. I will write tomorrow if I find out anything at all. Otherwise you'll have to wait like I will be. Ta Ta for now

Things didn't go as planned

I went up to Huntsman for treatment planning for the SBRT Radiation treatments. They basically made a full body cast for the bottom half of me from head to toe. It was really cool. Then they stuck a sheet of plastic on me from waist down and then vacummed all the air out. This was to ensure I would hold exactly still. This is a very precise science and they had to have it perfect. The nice thing is that I didn't have to get a new tattoo. They could go off of the tattoo I got from my last round of radiation. (It's a black dot as big a a pin point). They did a CT scan to help plan out the treatment.
When I was at my mom's picking up the kids, I got a call from Dr. Hitchcock. She asked how my back is feeling. I told her the pain has gotten a lot worse. She said she isn't surprised, she also said that the tumor has grown and is now in my spinal column and that we can't do the high dose radiation. It is far too dangerous. So, I will go in on Wed (tomorrow) and do another scan and get ready for regular radiation. We'll do that for 3 weeks and if the tumor has shrunk and out of the spinal column enough, then we can do the high dose radiation and zap that sucker! I will start treatment as early as Thursday if they have an opening, if not I will start Monday.
She also put me on Steroids to help with the swelling, inflammation, and pain. I am not excited about this at all. Last time I was on these I put on 10 pounds in 2 weeks, plus they make me irritable. She didn't say how long I'll be on them, probably at least till the pain starts to go away.
So, here's life throwing me another curve ball I wasn't expecting. I had a feeling that it was going to happen this way though. The pain in my back all of a sudden got so much worse last week.
At least the tumors in my lung are shrinking. Something positive to look at.
Other than that, things are going really well for us. I have most of my energy back now and feeling pretty darn good. The kids are loving that I have more energy to play with them too.

Here's the link to the video on the Stereotactic Body Radiation Therapy (SBRT).
http://www.abc4.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=D8D008E2-E87A-4326-A78A-BDBF42A54D60&gsa=true

Radiation...Again

I didn't want to post this until I knew anything for sure. Last week I went in for a follow up appointment with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Hitchcock. When she walked in the room and started talking to me, she expressed a huge concern about the tumor that is in and around my rib on my back. She looked at a scan we did about two months ago and was concerned that this tumor is too close to my spine. Also, she was saying it was about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. I made her back up and clarify because as far as I had thought, it was really small. She was concerned that it has grown in the last couple months and could cause neurological problems among other problems. The only thing I know for sure, is that it is causing pain, which has gotten worse the last couple weeks. The only time it bothers me is when I am laying down to go to sleep. Dr. Hitchcock wanted to do a scan that day and start radiation treatments this week. I expressed my concerns and wanted to talk to Dr. Akerley first and see what he thought and why this hadn't been a concern until she looked at it.
So, yesterday I was on the phone and he consented that it would be wise to do this treatment. It is called SBRT, I can't remember what it stands for again. I will post the video on it again if I can get it. It will be 3-5 treatments, every other day for about a week and a half. It takes two hours per session. My last radiation if you remember was 7 1/2 weeks and 20 minute sessions. That was on my head and neck, which is the worst place to recieve radiation. This would be so much more tolerable. I won't have side effects until treatments are over. This would most likely include redness at the site and possible nausea (depends on how they point the radiation, if it hits my stomach or not), and maybe fatigue. Basically a piece of cake compared to my last radiation treatments. I am all for this if all it does is alleviate the back pain I've been having. I will go in on March 9th for treatment planning and then start approximately a week later. This will not interfere with any future treatments and can only do me some good. I'll tell ya, I was kinda scared when Dr. Hitchcock brought all this to my attention, but I have since calmed down and feel that this is a great option for me.

Ok, so a friend of mine told me to read this from her friends blog. What a powerful message! It really struck me with what I have been going through.


"The Lord has made no secret of the fact that He intends to try the faith and the patience of His Saints. (See Mosiah 23:21.) We mortals are so quick to forget the Lord: “And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions … they will not remember him.” (Hel. 12:3.)
However, the Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and to comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. (See D&C 50:40; D&C 78:18.) Just as no temptations will come to us from which we cannot escape or which we cannot bear, we will not be given more trials than we can sustain. (See 1 Cor. 10:13.)
Therefore, given the aforementioned grand and overarching reasons to rejoice, can we not “be of good cheer” in spite of stress and circumstance?
President Brigham Young said of a geographical destination, “This is the place.” Of God’s plan of salvation, with its developmental destination, it can be said, “This is the process”!
President Young, who knew something about trial and tribulation but also of man’s high destiny, said that the Lord lets us pass through these experiences that we might become true friends of God. By developing our individual capacities, wisely exercising our agency, and trusting God—including when we feel forsaken and alone—then we can, said President Young, learn to be “righteous in the dark.” (Secretary’s Journal, 28 Jan. 1857.) The gospel glow we see radiating from some—amid dark difficulties—comes from illuminated individuals who are “of good cheer”!
To be cheerful when others are in despair, to keep the faith when others falter, to be true even when we feel forsaken—all of these are deeply desired outcomes during the deliberate, divine tutorials which God gives to us—because He loves us. (See Mosiah 3:19.) These learning experiences must not be misread as divine indifference. Instead, such tutorials are a part of the divine unfolding." (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Be of Good Cheer’,” Ensign, Nov 1982, 66)