Back from Vegas, back to real life

I had a nice little three day rereat to Las Vegas for work Wed-Friday. It really was a great deal down there, they sent us down by air, kept us at the New York New York on the strip and really didn't work us too hard at all. We got in fairly early on Wednesday and had some time to kill before having a cocktail party (we drank Coke and Fresca of course) and than we had a dinner with some awards and a speaker before getting turned loose. Thursday was pretty relaxed with meetings until 3:00 and than the whole day off. Thursday night was a blast. We went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at Caesars befire running to the Belagio to see "O" by Cirque Du Soleil. Absolutely unbelievable. I can't imagine where they find the people to do the stuff that the show requires. If you get a chance, go check it out!! After that, we went out to the Stratosphere to take on the sky rides. Since most of us had done the Big Shot we decided to do two of the other rides. I forget the name of both of them, but holy crap. I wish I would have had a change of pants! Friday was a couple of short meetings and than the flight home. It was nice to wake up to my kids this morning after the days without them.
Today was a great day with the kids. A friend of ours set up for the kids to meet and ride a couple of horses up in Bell Canyon. The family was so sweet, the horses were so gentle and the kids had an amazing experience. One very special experience was shortly after we got there, a huge yellow monarch butterfly came out of nowhere and almost "kissed" Wyatt on the nose before circling Brooklyn's head twice and than taking off. The lady that owner the horses said in fourteen years she had never seen anything like that at her place, we all looked at each other and all of us agreed that it was likely Michelle that was responsible and in her own little way, dropping by to say hello and I love you to the kids. After playing with the animals for a little while, I took the two oldest to Toys R Us with the gift card that my Marine buddy Joey put together with his shop. The kids had a ball picking virtually everything they wanted, Christmas may get cancelled this year!! :)
After being away for a couple of days, coming home to the house again made me reflect back on Michelle most of the day. It is still hard to believe that she is gone. It just doesn't seem real. It's very difficult to deal with. I hate going to bed alone and I hate looking around the room forgetting momentarily that she isn't there anymore. It is so hard but I know she is with us always and that with time it will get easier. I see her in the face of all three of my beautiful kids, I see her in the sunrise and set, I feel her everywhere I go. We all miss her but knowing that we will see her again one day makes it easier. Our nine year anniversary would have been June 1.
I am anxious and aprehensive about the future. I know that I will eventually move on and I pray that all will be supportive of whenever I make the decision to do so. My kids and I have a busy summer ahead. We are trying to manage Dad+3, I feel vastly outnumbered but we are getting it figured out. Broooklyn and Wyatt are tremendous helpers for Daddy in dealing with Colton. As he gets more mobile, he gets more difficult to control.

We say goodbye one last time..

I am really going to do my best to stay on top of this blog because I know that is what Michelle would want me to do. As I go forward, please be patient as the posts may be fewer and less often but I can promise that I will try, blogging for me is a fairly new experience..

Last night and today were very special days as we had the opportunity to say goodbye to Michelle one final time. her viewing was yesterday, May 20 at Wing Mortuary in Lehi. There was a tremendous turnout and miraculously, it ended right on time. We thought for sure that we were going to be there into the late hours of the night. Prior ot the viewing, and I would kill myself if I forgot these details, on Tuesday night, Leon, Lori and I had the chance to dress Michelle in her temple robes and do her hair and make up. None of us were really sure how this was going to go and we were all understandably nervous. When we first arrived at the mortuary, she was laying there, on the cold metal table in her temple dress. It was very difficult to see her lifeless body laying there so vulnerable and helpless. I initially got very emotional and fortunately Lori was there to help me cry on her shoulder and gain my composure. When we all had a few minutes to catch our breath, Quinn from the mortuary helped us get things going. We got her dressed with little discussion and than were able to move onto her makeup and hair. This is where it got exciting..
We aren't sure what happened exactly but the three of us just started talking about some of the memories of Michelle but as we started her makeup, we couldn't help but start laughing as we could only imagine Michelle watching us from on high and just laughing at the effort we were making to try to do her justice. She was always so beautiful and she had such a way of making herself up daily that made her so stunning. I have never done make up anywhere, on anyone, EVER!! But I took the reigns and made it happen. It involved several q-tips, cotton balls and tissues but somehow or another, we did her justice. I later found out that concealer and lipstick are not the same thing even though the manufacturer insists on putting them in identical containers. I did my best, I think she would appreciate it, regardless of how good or bad we feel we did. It gave us an opportunity to laugh and joke about her for a few minutes privately together which the three of us really enjoyed.
Her viewing went very well. Great turnout, many tears and lasting, loving tributes. It was very fiiting for her, being the angel that she was and is to have so many visitors and loved one's there to pay their respects.
This morning was the funeral. I wasn't lloking forward to speaking as up until this morning I had nothing prepared to say. I trusted that she would be right there beside me to guide me and she for sure was. She opened my mind to some great memories as soon as I got up this morning. I immediately upon getting out of the shower grabbed a pen as I didn't want to forget anything that she was whispering in my ear. The funeral was set up very nicely and again we had many visitors come through prior to the service to not only pay Michelle their respects but to also show me their love and support which I greatly appreciated. The hardest part by far since her passing was when we had to close the casket one last time after veiling her face. It was hard to know that I will not see her beautiful face again other than in pictures until we meet in heaven. The service was beautiful. Leon, Jackie and I all did very well and I really feel that she was honored as she should have been. Natalie Griffith and Christine Ivie sang a beautiful rendition of Nearer My God To Thee and Tyler played Ashokan Farewell on the Piano. We did our best to make it light, funny, but at the same time touching and with perspective. She had touched the lives of so many for so long. It was nice to see the turnout, the room was packed. I was honored to be able to speak about the many fun times that we had together and about her little quirks like bunco and her adorable crooked smile forced on her by numerous surgeries. She was loved by so many ad will obviously never be forgotten.
I have greatly appreciated the kind words spoken of her and also the thoughts and well wishes that have been directed to me through all of this. I was married to a truly amazing woman. My kids were blessed with the best mother in the world, and I know her parents could not possibly be prouder of the daughter that they did such a good job bringing up. Thank you to all the attended both physically and in spirit. Thank you to all that donated to my children and her foundation as well. My family is so well taken care of, we are so blessed to live where we live and to have so many amazing people surrounding us. I know there is a reason we are living here at this time. We truly were guided here by powers on high and I could not be happier than I am right now. I am excited for what lies ahead. I know it will be difficult and I know that Michelle will be right there beside me in all that I do. I expect her to mess with me from time to time as she did here while she was alive and I welcome it. As the Alan Jackson song "Sissy's Song" states, "Don't worry 'bout me", I know Michelle is in the loving arms of so many that have gone before her, she loved and was loved by so many, thank you for everything that everyone has done. Love to all!

Michelle's obituary

This will also be printed in the Deseret News and Salt lake Tribune Tuesday May 18

Michelle Langston Bancroft (January 22, 1981 - May 18, 2009) Sign Guest Book

We say good bye to a loving Mother, Wife, Daughter and Friend as Michelle has been called back to the loving arms of her Heavenly Father. Michelle succumbed to a three year long courageous battle with cancer. Michelle fought a hard fight without complaining or asking why she was forced to go through any of the pain and suffering that she endured. She was born on January 22, 1981 in Salt Lake City and she passed away on May 18, 2009 in Saratoga Springs.
She is survived by her devoted husband, three young children, mother, father, brother and sister along with several nieces and nephews. Michelle touched the lives of so many throughout the country as many read about her struggles and triumphs on her blog. Although leaving a void in our lives she will never be forgotten as we know we are joined with her together for eternity. Our sincerest heartfelt thanks goes out to the staff of many Doctors and nurses that provided her such incredible care at Huntsman cancer institute through several surgeries and treatments.
Michelle’s family asks that in lieu of flowers, contributions be made to an account in her name at Zion’s First National Bank where half will be contributed to her children and the other half to a cancer foundation in her name. Memorial services will be as follows:
Funeral services will be held Thursday, May 21, 2009 at 11:00 a.m. at the Saratoga Springs Stake Center, 587 South Saratoga Road. Family and friends may call Wednesday, May 20, 2009 from 6-8:00 p.m. at Wing Mortuary, 118 East Main, Lehi and Thursday morning from 9:30-10:30 a.m. at the Stake Center. Interment, Lehi City Cemetery. Online guest book at wingmortuary.com.

Michelle's Viewing and Funeral Details

Viewing will be held Wednesday May 20 at Wing Mortuary in Lehi, UT. 118 East Main Lehi, UT 84043 from 6:00-8:00pm

Viewing and Funeral services will be held Thursday May 21 at the Saratoga Springs Stake Center. 587 S. Saratoga Rd. Saratoga Springs UT 84045. The viewing will be from 9:30-10:30 and the service will begin at 11:00. The gravesite service will take place at Lehi cemetary. A small family luncheon will be served afterwards at our chapel near our house.

Thank you to all for your kind words and thoughts throughout the day. They have been much appreciated by us all.

Gone but never to be forgotten, Michelle bancroft 1/22/1981-05/18/2009...by Justin

Michelle passed away very peacefully this morning at 4:00am. She fought harder than anyone could have anticipated and stared this disease right in the face without once backing down. There were times that we thought she had this thing beat but our Father in Heaven had plans for her on the other side. She has touched the lives of more than can be counted throughout this ordeal and I'm sure her influence will be felt by many for years to come. I will hopefully have arrangements secured for the viewing and funeral later today and will update this as soon as I can.

Scary night and sign of things to come...by Justin

I know it's been a little while and several people have asked why I haven't posted anything. There really hasn't been anything to add, until last night. At roughly 10:15 we were just starting to settle down for the night. Michelle was having a difficult time breathing all day yesterday. Although her oxygen saturation was high, between 94-100 all day, she just can't get on top of being short of breath. She was brushing her teeth and than tried to catch her breath on the edge of the baththub. I noticed that she was starting to drift in and out so I got her into bed. Once she was in bed, I checked her oxygen saturation and it was 100, perfect. I got myself situated and into bed when Michelle reminded me that we hadn't flushed her lines yet. I got her saline and heperin taken care of and when I was clearing her second line she started to get a little shaky and seemed to be falling forward towards me. I laid her down and threw everything away and when I came back to bed, she was not responsive. I checked her saturation again and it was at 81 (anything below 90 is not good). She continued to be non-responsive for a couple more minutes, I turned her air up, checked to make sure her oxygen hose was clear, everything I could think of but her saturation continued to drop. By the time I called the nurse, it was as low as 47. knowing that Michelle has a DNR in place, I was torn between trying to do all I could to revive her or simply hold her hand and let her go peacefully.
I know what is eventually going to happen and I know there is nothing anyone can do to change it but this just came up all too fast. I called a neighbor friend who happened to be on duty last night with Saratoga PD, he came out and helped me assess her. He took her hand and asked if she wanted medical attention, she squeezed his hand but says now that she didn't knowingly do that. Medical attention arrived but I made sure that they understood that she would not be taken from the house and that she didn't want any heroic measures. After my friend Jared arrived, she started to come around on her own. Her saturation got better and better and she regained consciousness.
Last night was an experience that I know all too well will repeat itself and next time I will do what I know is right. There is more to what happened last night with seemingly all of Utah county police and medical in the front yard and in the house but the details are not important. I did hold Michelle's hand last night and told her how much I love her and to go if she felt like it was the right time. I don't know if this was supposed to be some sort of drill but at least I will be better prepared for whatever comes at me next time. She slept pretty well last night, her oxygen saturation has been in the mid 90's with one small dip this morning to 87 for a few seconds.
This obviously can't be a good sign and I know in my heart that she doesn't have much time left. I have to make a decision to close the door to visitors until she is gone or shows some improvement. It takes too much out of her to entertain people even though I know she likes the attention. I'm going to do my best to keep her in bed as much as possible. She is out of energy simply getting up to go to the couch.
If you haven't had the chance to visit and still want to, please call or text me and I'll try to arrange for it but I can't make any promises. Understand though as well that last time we were at a "critical" point, I got 367 text messages in one day. It gets overwhelming. There will be a time to properly pay your respect, but be mindful and respectful knowing that although your well wishes are personal, it gets very overwhelming coming from everyone that we know. At this point it's vital that we get as much uninterrupted time together with the kids. If I do not respond to your message it isn't personal, I just don't have time to give everyone an individual update on what's going on. I'll be sure to update again when we have any new events transpire.

Not much to say but...by Justin

Nothing has really changed since the last post but I understand that when there is nothing new written, people either interpret it one of two ways; catastrophic or relieving.
Michelle's condition hasn't changed. She is now on hospice so there will be no more visits to doctors or hospitals. We have had so many visitors and as much as we enjoy everyone coming over to wish us well, sometimes too much of a good thing can be exhausting for both of us. We have changed our visitor "policy" a couple of times by adjusting hours where our door is open, etc but we decided late last night that we are going to take the rest of the week, tonight-Friday night off for visitors and just catch up on some family time. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY anyone who has come over thus far!! Noone "helped" us make this decision, we just want a couple days to catch our breath and enjoy more time together one on one + kids. We also have some people travelling in from out of state and we want to be able to give them some time as they have spent a great deal to come see us on such short notice.
Feel free to give us a call this weekend if you would like to come by for a visit, again, keep 'em short and sweet!