Please go visit the new blog dedicated to Michelle's memory

bancroftfund.blogspot.com

Sorry for the delay

After some careful thought, I have decided to discontinue updating this blog and creating a new blog focusing on our updated family. Once Michelle's foundation is updated and fully operational, I will create a blog dedicated to her memory. For now, feel free to check out our new blog at justinandkaribancroft.blogspot.com (corrected..thanks, Jen!!)

It's still under construction and neither of us know at all what we are doing but it will start looking official soon I would imagine

I suck!!

I haven't updated the blog in forever!! I will get to it this weekend and add some pictures of our latest ventures since my last update. Thanks to all for checking up!

Never Easy but Always Worth It

We figured it was coming. It's usually not a good sign when your house doesn't close on time and an especially bad sign when it takes an additional 2 weeks and it still doesn't close. Kari's house is going back on the market tomorrow after her buyer was unable to qualify due to their own house not closing on time. It's frustrating knowing that we are going to be unable to move for at least the next little while. We do have someone looking at buying my house and we are just awaiting word from his lender on qualification. If anyone knows anyone looking at the Saratoga Springs or Daybreak area, please let us know!!

Busy busy weekend!!

BUSY weekend!!! WOW, where to begin. It all started on Thursday when I introduced Kari to the magic that is University of Utah football. Great game, it was nice to see that the team still looks solid even with new personel in place. When did the VA shut down parking for the game? It took us 45 extra minutes to find a parking spot probably over a mile from the stadium. UNACCEPTABLE. I guess we have no choice but to be at least 2 hours early for games from now on. Introducing Kari to the group of people that we sit around at games was interesting. I wasn't sure if they knew about Michelle's passing. Fortunately, the group did hear about her passing and were very, very nice about it and each one gave me a hug on my way to my seat. They had not heard however about me getting remarried. It came as a shock to them but they were very warm in their reception of Kari. I did get a chance to let them know of what had gone on over the last few months before she got to her seat for a beautiful blonde coming to sit next to me in Michelle's old seat didn't come as too much of a shock.

Friday night had the whole Bancroft Bunch heading over to Costco to get our food for our open house on Saturday. Has anyone else ever tried to take 6 kids to Costco on a friday night? Has anyone ever experienced the difficulty of navigating 8 people through the sample booths without a complete mental breakdown? I think I ran over each kid at least twice with the cart but miraculously, they all survived without Mom or Dad doing any serious damage. We picked up some flowers for Michelle's gravesite. Her headstone was recently put in place and looks beautiful, I will hopefully add a picture later tonight. It is nice to go to visit her gravesite and see something worthy of honoring her time here on earth. We had a great visit, the kids like to kiss the headstone as we leave, it's really sweet. I enjoy having something beautiful to look at other than a patch of grass. Kari has been so great about giving the kids and I the time we need to make sure we pay our respects to Brooklyn as often as we need to or want to. It makes things so much easier to have someone as understanding as Kari in situations as this.

Saturday was a very, very busy day. Our open house was scheduled for that night and the whole day was dedicated to preparation. Throughout the day we were wrestling to keep kids outside to keep the house from getting dirty, cutting fruit, rearranging furniture, picking up toys, etc. By the time people started to show up, the tough part was over. We had a good showing of people and are debating whether we were lucky or not that it was a holiday weekend and BYU was playing Oklahoma. Not sure how many people ended up coming by but there were plenty of kids for sure. I found a handful of cupcake wrappers and a cupcake covered by ants in the garage but overall, it went very well and the house didn't get destroyed.

Sunday took us to church and out looking for houses again. We found a beautiful house in Herriman in the neighborhood that we really wanted to moce into. As soon as Kari's house closes next week, we are hoping to make an offer. Very nice house, move in ready but still enough room that each kid could have their own room once the basement gets finished. I like it because of the family room posibilities in the basement. Kari likes it for every other reason. We will cross our fingers and hopefully we can get someone into our place soon so we don't have to cover both payments for very long.

Wedding details

It happened, we went through with it and it went incredibly well with a couple minor setbacks or issues. Friday was a beautiful day right up until the time that we wanted to get things started. We had 50 chairs in the backyard, tables set up, guests waiting patiently, and than the clouds decided to empty anything they had as fast and as hard as possible. It rained in sheets for several minutes which made us think that we may have to force things inside for a standing room only crowd. Kari was noticeably upset but ready to roll with the punches as was I. As soon as we were ready to move things inside, the rain stopped we got the chairs to dry and everything got started.

With the cloud cover it made things scary as we were waiting for things to get wet all over again but somehow the rain ceased just long enough for us to get things going. The ceremony went perfectly except for one small issue...did anyone else know that in LDS civil marriages that the couple is supposed to write their own vows? This was news to me! I took a glance at our Bishop's notes and when I read to that point I turned white as a ghost and asked him quietly to skip that part. Who knew?? Either way, the ceremony was beautiful and for a few minutes as we were exchanging rings, the clouds parted perfectly and Kari had the sun shining directly on her, she was beautiful. We joked later that maybe Michelle was manifesting her approval once more. :)

Kari's family is fantastic, I had an opportunity to meet her brothers and her sister altogether and had a fantastic time getting to know them better. I am excited for future opportunities to get together with them. I have so many in laws!! My Mom and Steve, Dad and Patti, and my brothers were there along with Lori, Leon and Tyler and Tosha. Mindy and Nate had made plans months ago for a family outing but we know they would have been there if possible and they were missed. I am so grateful that Michelle's family was able and willing to attend. They are as much a part of my family's life as my own immediate family and it meant a great deal to both Kari and I that they were there. After a short reception we took off to Park City for the weekend.

We stayed at the Westgate at the Canyons. What a beautiful resort. The room was big, beautiful and the rest of the accomodations were very nice. My best friend was kind enough to call me at 3:00am to make sure that all was well and to see if we needed anything or had any questions. When I saw his name on the caller id I should have sent it stratigh to voicemail. Short of that minor interuption, our first night together was amazing. Saturday we had a fun day together going down to SLC for some shopping and a movie followed by a trip down the Alpine slide. We went to the University of Utah student store and got Kari all outfitted for her first season of Utah football. I don't know if I've ever been as attracted to her as I was watching her put on all that red. I took the liberty of getting some necessities for myself for the upcoming season so I'd like to think that we are all set for another magical season on the hill. Saturday night we went to an outstanding restaurant in Park City called Ghidotti's compliments of Steve, my Mom's boyfriend. Tremendous meal, service, the works. I would highly recommend it if you are in the area.

From there, Sunday we scrambled to get out of our room on time as we didn't wake up until 10:00 and had to check out by 10:30. We went back down to SLC and took a walk around temple square and got excited at the thought and opportunity of being sealed together in a year. The tentative plan is to go to Hawaii for our one year anniversary and taking care of it than. We than went to dinner at Rodizio Grill which was Kari's first experience there. She LOVED it, says it's her new favorite resaurant, and honestly who could argue with her. Unless you are a vegan, you gotta love it. We than picked up all the clothes from Kari's house, glad we bought a Yukon or I have no idea how we could have fit everything! Sunday night introduced us to the first night with all eight of us. Navigating through piles of clothes to get 6 little ones to bed was difficult but not as bad as we thought. Bribery sometimes works wonders! The boys went down and stayed down without a problem. The girls unfortunately, different story. In their defense, they are now living in the basement in one big bedroom. Brit and Matti were scared and Brooklyn was having seperate issues. It took a couple hours and a few visits to get things under control and finally they were asleep. So 2.5 hours for all six to fall asleep we guess wasn't too bad for day one.
We know it won't be easy but we know it's going to be worth it. We are dedicated to making life as normal as possible for all of us but especially the kids. They seem to be doing well but we know that there are going to be hiccups along the way that we will have to negotiate. Nothing we can't handle. Kari impresses me everyday with her calm demeanor. Must be a trait of a teacher because I have never had it. She'll definitely be the calm one of the two of us. Leave it to me to overreact and yell while she calms me down. I love being with her. We have had so much fun getting to know each other since we've been together.

Something about those Yellow Monarchs...

Yesterday evening after returning from work, Kari was watching Colton play on the grass in the frontyard (and eating dirt) while I was pruning the rose bushes in the courtyard. After throwing the dead stuff away we were just standing there talking when a big Yellow Monarch Butterfly flew down and landed right in front of Kari and I on one of my flower bushes. We both looked at each other and smiled. I reached down to try to pick it up and it acted as though it wasn't afraid of me at all. As I tried to pick it up it jumped off the bush and flew around both of us before going over by Colton and fluttering around him for a second. It caught his attention and he just got a huge smile across his face.

I told him Mommy says hi and he went back to eating dirt. The butterfly came back towards us and landed again right in front of us on another bush. I again tried to reach down to pick it up and it did the exact same thing again before this time flying over towards the other side of my front yard. After circling Kari and I twice, I assumed that was a good confirmation that Michelle must approve of the two of us together. I looked over at Kari and told her "I think Michelle likes you!"

I don't want people to think that I believe for one second that Michelle was reincarnated as a yellow butterfly but I do believe 100% that when someone passes and they go to the "right" place that they likely have certain influence to put certain things in certain places at certain times to remind their loved ones that they are still with them. There have been too many instances since she has passed with Yellow Monarch butterflys to ignore them. It's happened to many members of our family since she passed, unexplainable "coincidences" that give me every reason to believe that she everywhere around us, watching over us constantly. It makes it easier to deal with the pain of her passing to know that she is allowed to pay us a visit from time to time.

Announcement! Drumroll..........

Okay, here it is. After playing with everyone about what's going on, and with family already starting to spread the word, you know who you are, I wanted people to find out from me. Many people on facebook have been asking about August 14 and what is going on that day...
I mentioned Kari in my last post to the blog, well after confirmation and support from all the people that need to be involved in the decision making process, we have decided to get married August 14. TAKE A DEEP BREATH!!!!!
Okay, better now? Yes it's soon, yes I'm crazy but I know it's the right thing to do. The plan is to have a small private ceremony in her parents backyard with only immediate family (including Michelle's family) as guests. We will have an open house a couple weeks later so all others who would like to can come by.
I am very excited, she is very excited, we have been watching the Brady Bunch a lot to learn how to make it all work and are actively searching for a good "Alice" so if anyone knows a loud housekeeper with a beehive, please let me know. We will be living in my house for as long as necessary. We still need to sell her house in South Jordan so get the word out. We are going to look at homes in between Herriman and South Jordan when we are ready to move. Not sure when that will be but I have a feeling we will be busting at the seams shortly at my place.
I am so grateful that so soon after Michelle passing that I found someone that makes me so happy. I love Kari so much and am so excited to spend the rest of my life with her. We are going to pursue getting sealed when the circumstances allow it, hopefully no more than one year. I know Michelle approves because she couldn't have set it up more perfectly. She SHOVED Kari right at me, there is no doubt in my mind that they will be the best of friends through the eternities.
So there it is, the speculation and office pools can end, August 14 it is and I could not be more excited.

What's going on in our world..

Other than the fact that I am convinced that I control weather patterns based on my car cleaning habits, not a whole lot has been going on. Brooklyn has been participating in cheer camp on Monday's at the Lehi Legacy center and Wyatt is busy being Wyatt and playing with his buddies every chance he gets. Colton has been learning to walk faster and more effectively get into anything and everything that he possibly can. Chances are that he will be getting tubes in his ears soon as he seems to have a problem with ear infections that we are trying to get figured out.
What am I up to you wonder? After persuasion from a couple of co-workers, I opened an account with eharmony. I didn't know initially whether I was ready to date anyone or not, but I flipped through a few profiles just to see if there was really anyone out there that was looking for a widower with three young children. Apparantly, there is at least one. I took a chance and sent a young lady a "wink" or "nudge" or whatever term they call it when you are trying to get someone's attention via the internet. (When did this happen? When did people stop meeting each other in stores, church, work?? What happened to the world?) So anyway, she replied with her own version of a wink. We emailed back and forth for a couple of days to try to get a feel for each other's personalities. She took me off guard and asked if i wanted to go hit a bucket of golf balls that Friday. So, just to paint a picture, pretty blonde girl with a beautiful smile, funny, and WANTS to go golfing, in my book that's 3 for three. So Thursday rolled around, the day before we were supposed to go out, Colton had an ear infection so I picked him up from Grandma's to take him to the Dr. After the Dr. visit, I was pulling into my neighborhood when something special happened. I can't quite put it into words, I looked toward the sky and I swear I was looking straight into heaven. Michelle may as well have been sitting right there next to me. I was overcome unlike I have been since shortly after she passed. The whole week I was wondering if I was ready to get back out there and start seeing people again and she gave me a definitive answer. I KNOW she wants me to be happy. I KNOW she wants me to find someone to help me raise our kids and be an example to my kids and to me.
So it's been almost two weeks and things could not be going better. Her name is Kari. She was married prior for ten years and was divorced nearly two years ago by no fault of her own. She has three beautiful kids that I care deeply about, a 9 year old son and 6 and 3 year old daughters. Go ahead, make the Brady Bunch jokes, I've been hearing them all week! Our kids get along very well and her scenario with her ex is very cordial which is important to me. She makes me laugh, I enjoy being with her, I don't like it when we are apart and I love the fact that she has the same goals and aspirations that I do. She's beautiful and so far I am crazy about her.
I know and I am expecting to get some flak for it being too soon and those that I have talked to about it have been more supportive than I could possibly have expected, especially Michelle's parents. I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am for her family and all their love and support that they not only showed Michelle but me for the last 9+ years. Please know that I would not be doing this if I wasn't ready and if I knew Michelle wasn't all for it. My biggest fear is bringing her to church for the first time and watching everyone's heads turn and knowing that the whispers are about me but I think I'm ready to deal with it. If anyone else thinks they know me better and think they have a better idea of what I need, please keep it to yourself or approach me with your concerns and I will hear you out but please don't put yourself in my situation if you haven't been there. I only say this because of the society we live in, people can't help it.
Thank you to everyone for all that you have done for my family.

Make the blog more manly..

I had no choice, I had to do it. The floral pattern just wasn't working for me anymore. Thank you Brittany for all your help! Maybe in 12 more years I'll give you a call to help walk me through it again!
So life hasn't slowed down since the last post. I'm pretty much back to work full time and life is going full speed. Brooklyn is at cheer camp on Monday afternoons, Wyatt is the wildest and funniest four year old boy in the world, and Colton finally said screw crawling and started walking all over the place. We are all doing fantastic. Not to say that the last few weeks haven't been very tough on everybody but we accept the fact of what happened and we are all doing our best to move forward. There are times when I have felt guilty for doing as well as I am doing but than I have read a couple of books recently that have reassured me that it is okay to be happy and to move forward. Russell M. Nelson and Paul H. Dunn (RIP) have a way of putting things into perspective and helping answer questions about the reality of the situation.
I am loving the fact that I apparantly slept through June-September and woke up somewhere in the middle of October. What is up with the weather?!?!?!? I think we are in our 5th or 6th straight day of rain and 6/7 of the next few days are rainy. I could bring the sun back out by simply selling my motorcycle but I'm not ready to do that just yet. Any thoughts anyone? Motorcycle vs 4 wheeler? Your input may just be what pushes to towards holding on or selling.
I am so grateful for my family, friends and work associates at this time as well. Everyone has been so supportive of every decision I have made since Michelle's passing. I'm doing my best, everyday is a challenge but we're doing great! Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes and I swear, I am getting to thank you cards for the donations to the kids and foundation this next week!
PS I am now officially driving the coolest truck in Utah

Back from Vegas, back to real life

I had a nice little three day rereat to Las Vegas for work Wed-Friday. It really was a great deal down there, they sent us down by air, kept us at the New York New York on the strip and really didn't work us too hard at all. We got in fairly early on Wednesday and had some time to kill before having a cocktail party (we drank Coke and Fresca of course) and than we had a dinner with some awards and a speaker before getting turned loose. Thursday was pretty relaxed with meetings until 3:00 and than the whole day off. Thursday night was a blast. We went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at Caesars befire running to the Belagio to see "O" by Cirque Du Soleil. Absolutely unbelievable. I can't imagine where they find the people to do the stuff that the show requires. If you get a chance, go check it out!! After that, we went out to the Stratosphere to take on the sky rides. Since most of us had done the Big Shot we decided to do two of the other rides. I forget the name of both of them, but holy crap. I wish I would have had a change of pants! Friday was a couple of short meetings and than the flight home. It was nice to wake up to my kids this morning after the days without them.
Today was a great day with the kids. A friend of ours set up for the kids to meet and ride a couple of horses up in Bell Canyon. The family was so sweet, the horses were so gentle and the kids had an amazing experience. One very special experience was shortly after we got there, a huge yellow monarch butterfly came out of nowhere and almost "kissed" Wyatt on the nose before circling Brooklyn's head twice and than taking off. The lady that owner the horses said in fourteen years she had never seen anything like that at her place, we all looked at each other and all of us agreed that it was likely Michelle that was responsible and in her own little way, dropping by to say hello and I love you to the kids. After playing with the animals for a little while, I took the two oldest to Toys R Us with the gift card that my Marine buddy Joey put together with his shop. The kids had a ball picking virtually everything they wanted, Christmas may get cancelled this year!! :)
After being away for a couple of days, coming home to the house again made me reflect back on Michelle most of the day. It is still hard to believe that she is gone. It just doesn't seem real. It's very difficult to deal with. I hate going to bed alone and I hate looking around the room forgetting momentarily that she isn't there anymore. It is so hard but I know she is with us always and that with time it will get easier. I see her in the face of all three of my beautiful kids, I see her in the sunrise and set, I feel her everywhere I go. We all miss her but knowing that we will see her again one day makes it easier. Our nine year anniversary would have been June 1.
I am anxious and aprehensive about the future. I know that I will eventually move on and I pray that all will be supportive of whenever I make the decision to do so. My kids and I have a busy summer ahead. We are trying to manage Dad+3, I feel vastly outnumbered but we are getting it figured out. Broooklyn and Wyatt are tremendous helpers for Daddy in dealing with Colton. As he gets more mobile, he gets more difficult to control.

We say goodbye one last time..

I am really going to do my best to stay on top of this blog because I know that is what Michelle would want me to do. As I go forward, please be patient as the posts may be fewer and less often but I can promise that I will try, blogging for me is a fairly new experience..

Last night and today were very special days as we had the opportunity to say goodbye to Michelle one final time. her viewing was yesterday, May 20 at Wing Mortuary in Lehi. There was a tremendous turnout and miraculously, it ended right on time. We thought for sure that we were going to be there into the late hours of the night. Prior ot the viewing, and I would kill myself if I forgot these details, on Tuesday night, Leon, Lori and I had the chance to dress Michelle in her temple robes and do her hair and make up. None of us were really sure how this was going to go and we were all understandably nervous. When we first arrived at the mortuary, she was laying there, on the cold metal table in her temple dress. It was very difficult to see her lifeless body laying there so vulnerable and helpless. I initially got very emotional and fortunately Lori was there to help me cry on her shoulder and gain my composure. When we all had a few minutes to catch our breath, Quinn from the mortuary helped us get things going. We got her dressed with little discussion and than were able to move onto her makeup and hair. This is where it got exciting..
We aren't sure what happened exactly but the three of us just started talking about some of the memories of Michelle but as we started her makeup, we couldn't help but start laughing as we could only imagine Michelle watching us from on high and just laughing at the effort we were making to try to do her justice. She was always so beautiful and she had such a way of making herself up daily that made her so stunning. I have never done make up anywhere, on anyone, EVER!! But I took the reigns and made it happen. It involved several q-tips, cotton balls and tissues but somehow or another, we did her justice. I later found out that concealer and lipstick are not the same thing even though the manufacturer insists on putting them in identical containers. I did my best, I think she would appreciate it, regardless of how good or bad we feel we did. It gave us an opportunity to laugh and joke about her for a few minutes privately together which the three of us really enjoyed.
Her viewing went very well. Great turnout, many tears and lasting, loving tributes. It was very fiiting for her, being the angel that she was and is to have so many visitors and loved one's there to pay their respects.
This morning was the funeral. I wasn't lloking forward to speaking as up until this morning I had nothing prepared to say. I trusted that she would be right there beside me to guide me and she for sure was. She opened my mind to some great memories as soon as I got up this morning. I immediately upon getting out of the shower grabbed a pen as I didn't want to forget anything that she was whispering in my ear. The funeral was set up very nicely and again we had many visitors come through prior to the service to not only pay Michelle their respects but to also show me their love and support which I greatly appreciated. The hardest part by far since her passing was when we had to close the casket one last time after veiling her face. It was hard to know that I will not see her beautiful face again other than in pictures until we meet in heaven. The service was beautiful. Leon, Jackie and I all did very well and I really feel that she was honored as she should have been. Natalie Griffith and Christine Ivie sang a beautiful rendition of Nearer My God To Thee and Tyler played Ashokan Farewell on the Piano. We did our best to make it light, funny, but at the same time touching and with perspective. She had touched the lives of so many for so long. It was nice to see the turnout, the room was packed. I was honored to be able to speak about the many fun times that we had together and about her little quirks like bunco and her adorable crooked smile forced on her by numerous surgeries. She was loved by so many ad will obviously never be forgotten.
I have greatly appreciated the kind words spoken of her and also the thoughts and well wishes that have been directed to me through all of this. I was married to a truly amazing woman. My kids were blessed with the best mother in the world, and I know her parents could not possibly be prouder of the daughter that they did such a good job bringing up. Thank you to all the attended both physically and in spirit. Thank you to all that donated to my children and her foundation as well. My family is so well taken care of, we are so blessed to live where we live and to have so many amazing people surrounding us. I know there is a reason we are living here at this time. We truly were guided here by powers on high and I could not be happier than I am right now. I am excited for what lies ahead. I know it will be difficult and I know that Michelle will be right there beside me in all that I do. I expect her to mess with me from time to time as she did here while she was alive and I welcome it. As the Alan Jackson song "Sissy's Song" states, "Don't worry 'bout me", I know Michelle is in the loving arms of so many that have gone before her, she loved and was loved by so many, thank you for everything that everyone has done. Love to all!

Michelle's obituary

This will also be printed in the Deseret News and Salt lake Tribune Tuesday May 18

Michelle Langston Bancroft (January 22, 1981 - May 18, 2009) Sign Guest Book

We say good bye to a loving Mother, Wife, Daughter and Friend as Michelle has been called back to the loving arms of her Heavenly Father. Michelle succumbed to a three year long courageous battle with cancer. Michelle fought a hard fight without complaining or asking why she was forced to go through any of the pain and suffering that she endured. She was born on January 22, 1981 in Salt Lake City and she passed away on May 18, 2009 in Saratoga Springs.
She is survived by her devoted husband, three young children, mother, father, brother and sister along with several nieces and nephews. Michelle touched the lives of so many throughout the country as many read about her struggles and triumphs on her blog. Although leaving a void in our lives she will never be forgotten as we know we are joined with her together for eternity. Our sincerest heartfelt thanks goes out to the staff of many Doctors and nurses that provided her such incredible care at Huntsman cancer institute through several surgeries and treatments.
Michelle’s family asks that in lieu of flowers, contributions be made to an account in her name at Zion’s First National Bank where half will be contributed to her children and the other half to a cancer foundation in her name. Memorial services will be as follows:
Funeral services will be held Thursday, May 21, 2009 at 11:00 a.m. at the Saratoga Springs Stake Center, 587 South Saratoga Road. Family and friends may call Wednesday, May 20, 2009 from 6-8:00 p.m. at Wing Mortuary, 118 East Main, Lehi and Thursday morning from 9:30-10:30 a.m. at the Stake Center. Interment, Lehi City Cemetery. Online guest book at wingmortuary.com.

Michelle's Viewing and Funeral Details

Viewing will be held Wednesday May 20 at Wing Mortuary in Lehi, UT. 118 East Main Lehi, UT 84043 from 6:00-8:00pm

Viewing and Funeral services will be held Thursday May 21 at the Saratoga Springs Stake Center. 587 S. Saratoga Rd. Saratoga Springs UT 84045. The viewing will be from 9:30-10:30 and the service will begin at 11:00. The gravesite service will take place at Lehi cemetary. A small family luncheon will be served afterwards at our chapel near our house.

Thank you to all for your kind words and thoughts throughout the day. They have been much appreciated by us all.

Gone but never to be forgotten, Michelle bancroft 1/22/1981-05/18/2009...by Justin

Michelle passed away very peacefully this morning at 4:00am. She fought harder than anyone could have anticipated and stared this disease right in the face without once backing down. There were times that we thought she had this thing beat but our Father in Heaven had plans for her on the other side. She has touched the lives of more than can be counted throughout this ordeal and I'm sure her influence will be felt by many for years to come. I will hopefully have arrangements secured for the viewing and funeral later today and will update this as soon as I can.

Scary night and sign of things to come...by Justin

I know it's been a little while and several people have asked why I haven't posted anything. There really hasn't been anything to add, until last night. At roughly 10:15 we were just starting to settle down for the night. Michelle was having a difficult time breathing all day yesterday. Although her oxygen saturation was high, between 94-100 all day, she just can't get on top of being short of breath. She was brushing her teeth and than tried to catch her breath on the edge of the baththub. I noticed that she was starting to drift in and out so I got her into bed. Once she was in bed, I checked her oxygen saturation and it was 100, perfect. I got myself situated and into bed when Michelle reminded me that we hadn't flushed her lines yet. I got her saline and heperin taken care of and when I was clearing her second line she started to get a little shaky and seemed to be falling forward towards me. I laid her down and threw everything away and when I came back to bed, she was not responsive. I checked her saturation again and it was at 81 (anything below 90 is not good). She continued to be non-responsive for a couple more minutes, I turned her air up, checked to make sure her oxygen hose was clear, everything I could think of but her saturation continued to drop. By the time I called the nurse, it was as low as 47. knowing that Michelle has a DNR in place, I was torn between trying to do all I could to revive her or simply hold her hand and let her go peacefully.
I know what is eventually going to happen and I know there is nothing anyone can do to change it but this just came up all too fast. I called a neighbor friend who happened to be on duty last night with Saratoga PD, he came out and helped me assess her. He took her hand and asked if she wanted medical attention, she squeezed his hand but says now that she didn't knowingly do that. Medical attention arrived but I made sure that they understood that she would not be taken from the house and that she didn't want any heroic measures. After my friend Jared arrived, she started to come around on her own. Her saturation got better and better and she regained consciousness.
Last night was an experience that I know all too well will repeat itself and next time I will do what I know is right. There is more to what happened last night with seemingly all of Utah county police and medical in the front yard and in the house but the details are not important. I did hold Michelle's hand last night and told her how much I love her and to go if she felt like it was the right time. I don't know if this was supposed to be some sort of drill but at least I will be better prepared for whatever comes at me next time. She slept pretty well last night, her oxygen saturation has been in the mid 90's with one small dip this morning to 87 for a few seconds.
This obviously can't be a good sign and I know in my heart that she doesn't have much time left. I have to make a decision to close the door to visitors until she is gone or shows some improvement. It takes too much out of her to entertain people even though I know she likes the attention. I'm going to do my best to keep her in bed as much as possible. She is out of energy simply getting up to go to the couch.
If you haven't had the chance to visit and still want to, please call or text me and I'll try to arrange for it but I can't make any promises. Understand though as well that last time we were at a "critical" point, I got 367 text messages in one day. It gets overwhelming. There will be a time to properly pay your respect, but be mindful and respectful knowing that although your well wishes are personal, it gets very overwhelming coming from everyone that we know. At this point it's vital that we get as much uninterrupted time together with the kids. If I do not respond to your message it isn't personal, I just don't have time to give everyone an individual update on what's going on. I'll be sure to update again when we have any new events transpire.

Not much to say but...by Justin

Nothing has really changed since the last post but I understand that when there is nothing new written, people either interpret it one of two ways; catastrophic or relieving.
Michelle's condition hasn't changed. She is now on hospice so there will be no more visits to doctors or hospitals. We have had so many visitors and as much as we enjoy everyone coming over to wish us well, sometimes too much of a good thing can be exhausting for both of us. We have changed our visitor "policy" a couple of times by adjusting hours where our door is open, etc but we decided late last night that we are going to take the rest of the week, tonight-Friday night off for visitors and just catch up on some family time. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY anyone who has come over thus far!! Noone "helped" us make this decision, we just want a couple days to catch our breath and enjoy more time together one on one + kids. We also have some people travelling in from out of state and we want to be able to give them some time as they have spent a great deal to come see us on such short notice.
Feel free to give us a call this weekend if you would like to come by for a visit, again, keep 'em short and sweet!

So many visitors and food! by Justin

Nothing again has really changed since the last post but just to dispel rumors before they get started, we are in the process of starting Michelle on hospice. Hospice by no means is any sign of imminent doom but just more of a help for Michelle's comfort and our family's well being. We will get all the help that we need through this service and don't have to worry about any more doctor visits, panic due to lab results, etc. We can now just focus on getting our family ready for what is happening around us and dealing with it appropriately.
Michelle is in great spirits. She has her moments but she is still defying the odds and seemingly dealing with this better than everyone around her. I don't know where she gets it from but she finds the energy to smile, laugh and even give me crap from time to time. I have been testing her competence in asking nearly everyday if I can either buy a motorcycle or a new truck and everyday without fail she shuts me down. Good to see that somethings never change.
As a final note for today, the ward and family have pretty much kept our bellies full on dinners. Please as you come to visit, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not bring dinner unless you have talked to us about it. We are out of fridge space and I don't want anything to be wasted. Also, my kids are constantly of the walls with candy and other sugary treats, please do not bring anymore junk food unless it is for Michelle, I sure don't need anymore either.

No news is good news: By Justin

Many people have gotten concerned with what's going on since there hasn't been any updates over the last few days. As titled, no news is good news. Since we got her oxygen figured out she has been doing much better. She is still sprouting new spots but is feeling much better each day. We really didn't think if you would have asked us last Monday that she would be here still but she is doing really well the last few days.
Dr. Bentz, or Brandon as he has insisted we call him, came out yesterday for a nice visit. I don't know about you but I have never met a Dr. and a team of care providers that cares so deeply about their patients even after they are no longer in charge of their care. I don't think we would have ever guessed that the team of Dr.'s and nurses would end up being such fantastic friends. Michelle has had a lot of fluid collecting in the right side of her abdomen and it may be related to her liver. Brandon talked to the powers that be and we may take her in for an outpatient (hopefully) procedure to drain the fluid. This should help her feel much better once this is done. She can't go without oxygen still and probably won't ever be able to go off it. She is very reliant on it and it is cranked way up but whatever makes her feel better. Her recent spike in feeling better is a very welcome sight yet for me at the same time is somewhat disheartening as it somewhat gives a sense of false hope but we are all enjoying her recent recovery. We'll take any victory we can get and are still holding out for a miracle.
On another positive note, I came home today to see a huge team of people decorating my yard with beautiful flowers. Some of our old neighbors came out and had a load of mulch delivered and before long a whole team of people were over planting flowers. My yard has never looked better. I've lived here 4 years and in a couple short hours my yard was completely made over. I cannot thank those responsible enough for all that has been done to help my family through this difficult time. I have heard from so many people that I haven't talked to in forever. Many old friends, family, Marine brothers, etc. It has been such a nice reunion of sorts. It's amazing how far and wide something like this can spread and bring out the best in people.

How did all this happen? Posted by Justin

Many people that have just started following this blog have asked how all of this happened to Michelle. I thought it appropriate to summarize more or less what brought all this on.

We are pretty sure that it started shortly before we were married. Days before Michelle and I started dating she had a mole on her lower jaw that was removed. The Dr. thought it looked suspiscious and had it sent out for further testing. After a few days and a couple of different evaluations it was determined that the mole looked cancerous but in fact was not. They called it psuedomelanoma. It looked bad but was benign. Five years passed and we didn't give it a second thought until a bump started to form behind and below her left ear. We had a Dr. in Orem look at it and he determined that regardless of what it was that it needed to come out. She went through a very short surgery to remove it it was determined that this tumor was benig so again we felt like we dodged a bullet.
Roughly 11 months later the lump came back along the incision line and we elected to go to a Dr. Hunter at Cottonwood Hospital. He couldn't exactly determine what the problem was but he didn't want to compromise her main facial nerve and given that all signs pointed to the tumor being benign he decided that he would debulk the tumor as much as possible and radiate the remaining tumor so that she wouldn't have facial paralysis. After a couple weeks of pathology andd other tests, Dr. Hunter let us know that the tumor had malignant tendencies and in some ways mimicked melanoma. He than took her back to surgery and had no choice but to remove the tumor, along with the facial nerve. Another Dr. assisted by grafting her seral nerve from her left leg and grafted it in. We thought that margins were clear and it was thought at the time that it was a peripheral nerve sheath tumor. Dr. Hunter evaluated her for several months for follow up. After awhile, she noticed a firmness in her left cheek and aklong the incision line again. Dr. Hunter did a minimally invasive procedure to get samples of tissue to further evaluate. He called about two weeks later and said that the tumor had returned and was appearing to be spreading into her cheek and the surrounding area. He recommended at this point that she be treated by Dr. Bentz at Huntsman Cancer Institute.
We started at Huntsman about a year and a half ago. Dr. Bentz initially consulted her and advised of what he would like to do but always gave us the ultimate decision making power. He has been a tremendous resource for us as a physician and friend. We decided to try a procedure that would remove a big portin of tissue behid and below her ear and bring the skin from her neck up and stitching in place over what was removed. This was roughly a 6 hour procedue and at this point her fourth surgery on this same area. She recovered very well other than a 2-3 bout with shingles that was very painful and caused tremendous swelling on the left side of her face.
Not long after this surgery she formed a loarge blister like lesion behind her ear where most of the problems had taken place before. She went to our family physician and he tried to drain it but nothing really drained. He recommended that we go back to Huntsman. Dr. Bentz took a sample and had pathology take a look, it again was cancer. The decision was made that if we had any chance to beat this thing that a radical resection of all tissue involved would need to go. This included her left ear and her left cheek. Over the course of a 19 hour surgery, the Dr.'s removed the tissue and did a "flap" transfer" from her left thigh to patch in the resected area. This surgery was hell on Michelle and caused her indescribable pain. She again pushed through and overcame this problem and eventually responded well to radiation treatment. We thought that maybe we had this thing beat.
Following all of these procedures, we continued to consult with Dr. Bentz and his team. Scans were done to see if any metastasis had taken place and several spots showed in Michelle's lung and one in her back. We were than handed over to Dr. Akerly, the medical oncologist to determine what could be done to treat the disease. We settled on a more or less experimental treatment called interleukin II. The drug is used to treat people with kidney diseases and cancer. This treatment reqired one week in the hospital and side effects simialr to a bad flu with nausea, retaining water, pain and significant discomfort. She gained roughly 20 pounds during that weak and ended up with some fluid in her lung. After the week in the hospital, she would go 9 weeks with no treatment but would get a scan to determine if it appeared to be working. To our surprise and the Dr.'s, all of the tumors in her lung were smaller and she appeared to be responding to the treatment very well. We decided to go through round 2 of the treatment and through all the side effects, she again did very well.
It was than decided that the best form of treatment for her back would be through radiation. But the problem arose that over a very short period of time the tumor went from the size of a golf ball to roughly the tize of my fist. It was too big for radiation and we were referred to Dr. Yonamura at the University Neurological unit. He performed a surgery that removed two of her vertebrae as the tumor was encroaching on her spinal cord. He did not get all of the tumor and Michelle again had to go through hell on her road to recovering from this surgery. The plan was after the surgery that she would start radiation to treat the remainder of the tumor. She spent 16 days in the hospital and came home, doing pretty well physically. At this point is where my last post begins. Since than everything has gone down hill.
On a more positive note, Michelle recieved so many visitors yesterday and it really seemed to help her out physically. She was able to come out on the porch and visit with family and friends. Although the visits seemed to help, she was exhausted by the end of the day. We are more than willing to accept visitors and I know she loves the company but we ask that if you are going to visit that you please keep your visit brief giving everyone a chance to take a few moments alone with her. She did very well yesterday and I would say that it was probably her best day in the last 4-5 days. We hope to see continual improvement. She has taken her last chemo dose for the next three weeks and is still being treated for an infection that we don't believe exists. Her spirits are strong although her body is extrememly weak. her strength and determination amaze me every day. I do not know anyone that has gone through so much and affected the lives of so many people as she has. I joke with her that if I died that my funeral could fit in a phone booth but there is not a building anywhere that could accomodate all those that love her and that she has affected in her 28 years here on earth. We know that she is in good hands and that the Lord is mindful of her and our family at this difficult time. It hasn't been easy but we know there is a reason for everything that happens and we are prepared for whatever life throws at us.