Bancroft Family

Please go visit the new blog dedicated to Michelle's memory

2009-12-06T14:32:00.001-07:00

bancroftfund.blogspot.com

Sorry for the delay

2009-12-01T17:12:00.004-07:00

After some careful thought, I have decided to discontinue updating this blog and creating a new blog focusing on our updated family. Once Michelle's foundation is updated and fully operational, I will create a blog dedicated to her memory. For now, feel free to check out our new blog at justinandkaribancroft.blogspot.com (corrected..thanks, Jen!!)

It's still under construction and neither of us know at all what we are doing but it will start looking official soon I would imagine

I suck!!

2009-10-30T14:59:00.000-06:00

I haven't updated the blog in forever!! I will get to it this weekend and add some pictures of our latest ventures since my last update. Thanks to all for checking up!

Never Easy but Always Worth It

2009-09-28T15:20:00.002-06:00

We figured it was coming. It's usually not a good sign when your house doesn't close on time and an especially bad sign when it takes an additional 2 weeks and it still doesn't close. Kari's house is going back on the market tomorrow after her buyer was unable to qualify due to their own house not closing on time. It's frustrating knowing that we are going to be unable to move for at least the next little while. We do have someone looking at buying my house and we are just awaiting word from his lender on qualification. If anyone knows anyone looking at the Saratoga Springs or Daybreak area, please let us know!!

Busy busy weekend!!

2009-09-08T13:35:00.006-06:00

BUSY weekend!!! WOW, where to begin. It all started on Thursday when I introduced Kari to the magic that is University of Utah football. Great game, it was nice to see that the team still looks solid even with new personel in place. When did the VA shut down parking for the game? It took us 45 extra minutes to find a parking spot probably over a mile from the stadium. UNACCEPTABLE. I guess we have no choice but to be at least 2 hours early for games from now on. Introducing Kari to the group of people that we sit around at games was interesting. I wasn't sure if they knew about Michelle's passing. Fortunately, the group did hear about her passing and were very, very nice about it and each one gave me a hug on my way to my seat. They had not heard however about me getting remarried. It came as a shock to them but they were very warm in their reception of Kari. I did get a chance to let them know of what had gone on over the last few months before she got to her seat for a beautiful blonde coming to sit next to me in Michelle's old seat didn't come as too much of a shock.

Friday night had the whole Bancroft Bunch heading over to Costco to get our food for our open house on Saturday. Has anyone else ever tried to take 6 kids to Costco on a friday night? Has anyone ever experienced the difficulty of navigating 8 people through the sample booths without a complete mental breakdown? I think I ran over each kid at least twice with the cart but miraculously, they all survived without Mom or Dad doing any serious damage. We picked up some flowers for Michelle's gravesite. Her headstone was recently put in place and looks beautiful, I will hopefully add a picture later tonight. It is nice to go to visit her gravesite and see something worthy of honoring her time here on earth. We had a great visit, the kids like to kiss the headstone as we leave, it's really sweet. I enjoy having something beautiful to look at other than a patch of grass. Kari has been so great about giving the kids and I the time we need to make sure we pay our respects to Brooklyn as often as we need to or want to. It makes things so much easier to have someone as understanding as Kari in situations as this.

Saturday was a very, very busy day. Our open house was scheduled for that night and the whole day was dedicated to preparation. Throughout the day we were wrestling to keep kids outside to keep the house from getting dirty, cutting fruit, rearranging furniture, picking up toys, etc. By the time people started to show up, the tough part was over. We had a good showing of people and are debating whether we were lucky or not that it was a holiday weekend and BYU was playing Oklahoma. Not sure how many people ended up coming by but there were plenty of kids for sure. I found a handful of cupcake wrappers and a cupcake covered by ants in the garage but overall, it went very well and the house didn't get destroyed.

Sunday took us to church and out looking for houses again. We found a beautiful house in Herriman in the neighborhood that we really wanted to moce into. As soon as Kari's house closes next week, we are hoping to make an offer. Very nice house, move in ready but still enough room that each kid could have their own room once the basement gets finished. I like it because of the family room posibilities in the basement. Kari likes it for every other reason. We will cross our fingers and hopefully we can get someone into our place soon so we don't have to cover both payments for very long.

Wedding details

2009-08-17T13:02:00.006-06:00

It happened, we went through with it and it went incredibly well with a couple minor setbacks or issues. Friday was a beautiful day right up until the time that we wanted to get things started. We had 50 chairs in the backyard, tables set up, guests waiting patiently, and than the clouds decided to empty anything they had as fast and as hard as possible. It rained in sheets for several minutes which made us think that we may have to force things inside for a standing room only crowd. Kari was noticeably upset but ready to roll with the punches as was I. As soon as we were ready to move things inside, the rain stopped we got the chairs to dry and everything got started.

With the cloud cover it made things scary as we were waiting for things to get wet all over again but somehow the rain ceased just long enough for us to get things going. The ceremony went perfectly except for one small issue...did anyone else know that in LDS civil marriages that the couple is supposed to write their own vows? This was news to me! I took a glance at our Bishop's notes and when I read to that point I turned white as a ghost and asked him quietly to skip that part. Who knew?? Either way, the ceremony was beautiful and for a few minutes as we were exchanging rings, the clouds parted perfectly and Kari had the sun shining directly on her, she was beautiful. We joked later that maybe Michelle was manifesting her approval once more. :)

Kari's family is fantastic, I had an opportunity to meet her brothers and her sister altogether and had a fantastic time getting to know them better. I am excited for future opportunities to get together with them. I have so many in laws!! My Mom and Steve, Dad and Patti, and my brothers were there along with Lori, Leon and Tyler and Tosha. Mindy and Nate had made plans months ago for a family outing but we know they would have been there if possible and they were missed. I am so grateful that Michelle's family was able and willing to attend. They are as much a part of my family's life as my own immediate family and it meant a great deal to both Kari and I that they were there. After a short reception we took off to Park City for the weekend.

We stayed at the Westgate at the Canyons. What a beautiful resort. The room was big, beautiful and the rest of the accomodations were very nice. My best friend was kind enough to call me at 3:00am to make sure that all was well and to see if we needed anything or had any questions. When I saw his name on the caller id I should have sent it stratigh to voicemail. Short of that minor interuption, our first night together was amazing. Saturday we had a fun day together going down to SLC for some shopping and a movie followed by a trip down the Alpine slide. We went to the University of Utah student store and got Kari all outfitted for her first season of Utah football. I don't know if I've ever been as attracted to her as I was watching her put on all that red. I took the liberty of getting some necessities for myself for the upcoming season so I'd like to think that we are all set for another magical season on the hill. Saturday night we went to an outstanding restaurant in Park City called Ghidotti's compliments of Steve, my Mom's boyfriend. Tremendous meal, service, the works. I would highly recommend it if you are in the area.

From there, Sunday we scrambled to get out of our room on time as we didn't wake up until 10:00 and had to check out by 10:30. We went back down to SLC and took a walk around temple square and got excited at the thought and opportunity of being sealed together in a year. The tentative plan is to go to Hawaii for our one year anniversary and taking care of it than. We than went to dinner at Rodizio Grill which was Kari's first experience there. She LOVED it, says it's her new favorite resaurant, and honestly who could argue with her. Unless you are a vegan, you gotta love it. We than picked up all the clothes from Kari's house, glad we bought a Yukon or I have no idea how we could have fit everything! Sunday night introduced us to the first night with all eight of us. Navigating through piles of clothes to get 6 little ones to bed was difficult but not as bad as we thought. Bribery sometimes works wonders! The boys went down and stayed down without a problem. The girls unfortunately, different story. In their defense, they are now living in the basement in one big bedroom. Brit and Matti were scared and Brooklyn was having seperate issues. It took a couple hours and a few visits to get things under control and finally they were asleep. So 2.5 hours for all six to fall asleep we guess wasn't too bad for day one.
We know it won't be easy but we know it's going to be worth it. We are dedicated to making life as normal as possible for all of us but especially the kids. They seem to be doing well but we know that there are going to be hiccups along the way that we will have to negotiate. Nothing we can't handle. Kari impresses me everyday with her calm demeanor. Must be a trait of a teacher because I have never had it. She'll definitely be the calm one of the two of us. Leave it to me to overreact and yell while she calms me down. I love being with her. We have had so much fun getting to know each other since we've been together.

Something about those Yellow Monarchs...

2009-07-22T09:04:00.002-06:00

Yesterday evening after returning from work, Kari was watching Colton play on the grass in the frontyard (and eating dirt) while I was pruning the rose bushes in the courtyard. After throwing the dead stuff away we were just standing there talking when a big Yellow Monarch Butterfly flew down and landed right in front of Kari and I on one of my flower bushes. We both looked at each other and smiled. I reached down to try to pick it up and it acted as though it wasn't afraid of me at all. As I tried to pick it up it jumped off the bush and flew around both of us before going over by Colton and fluttering around him for a second. It caught his attention and he just got a huge smile across his face.

I told him Mommy says hi and he went back to eating dirt. The butterfly came back towards us and landed again right in front of us on another bush. I again tried to reach down to pick it up and it did the exact same thing again before this time flying over towards the other side of my front yard. After circling Kari and I twice, I assumed that was a good confirmation that Michelle must approve of the two of us together. I looked over at Kari and told her "I think Michelle likes you!"

I don't want people to think that I believe for one second that Michelle was reincarnated as a yellow butterfly but I do believe 100% that when someone passes and they go to the "right" place that they likely have certain influence to put certain things in certain places at certain times to remind their loved ones that they are still with them. There have been too many instances since she has passed with Yellow Monarch butterflys to ignore them. It's happened to many members of our family since she passed, unexplainable "coincidences" that give me every reason to believe that she everywhere around us, watching over us constantly. It makes it easier to deal with the pain of her passing to know that she is allowed to pay us a visit from time to time.

Announcement! Drumroll..........

2009-07-15T09:09:00.005-06:00

Okay, here it is. After playing with everyone about what's going on, and with family already starting to spread the word, you know who you are, I wanted people to find out from me. Many people on facebook have been asking about August 14 and what is going on that day...
I mentioned Kari in my last post to the blog, well after confirmation and support from all the people that need to be involved in the decision making process, we have decided to get married August 14. TAKE A DEEP BREATH!!!!!
Okay, better now? Yes it's soon, yes I'm crazy but I know it's the right thing to do. The plan is to have a small private ceremony in her parents backyard with only immediate family (including Michelle's family) as guests. We will have an open house a couple weeks later so all others who would like to can come by.
I am very excited, she is very excited, we have been watching the Brady Bunch a lot to learn how to make it all work and are actively searching for a good "Alice" so if anyone knows a loud housekeeper with a beehive, please let me know. We will be living in my house for as long as necessary. We still need to sell her house in South Jordan so get the word out. We are going to look at homes in between Herriman and South Jordan when we are ready to move. Not sure when that will be but I have a feeling we will be busting at the seams shortly at my place.
I am so grateful that so soon after Michelle passing that I found someone that makes me so happy. I love Kari so much and am so excited to spend the rest of my life with her. We are going to pursue getting sealed when the circumstances allow it, hopefully no more than one year. I know Michelle approves because she couldn't have set it up more perfectly. She SHOVED Kari right at me, there is no doubt in my mind that they will be the best of friends through the eternities.
So there it is, the speculation and office pools can end, August 14 it is and I could not be more excited.

What's going on in our world..

2009-07-01T22:56:00.005-06:00

Other than the fact that I am convinced that I control weather patterns based on my car cleaning habits, not a whole lot has been going on. Brooklyn has been participating in cheer camp on Monday's at the Lehi Legacy center and Wyatt is busy being Wyatt and playing with his buddies every chance he gets. Colton has been learning to walk faster and more effectively get into anything and everything that he possibly can. Chances are that he will be getting tubes in his ears soon as he seems to have a problem with ear infections that we are trying to get figured out.
What am I up to you wonder? After persuasion from a couple of co-workers, I opened an account with eharmony. I didn't know initially whether I was ready to date anyone or not, but I flipped through a few profiles just to see if there was really anyone out there that was looking for a widower with three young children. Apparantly, there is at least one. I took a chance and sent a young lady a "wink" or "nudge" or whatever term they call it when you are trying to get someone's attention via the internet. (When did this happen? When did people stop meeting each other in stores, church, work?? What happened to the world?) So anyway, she replied with her own version of a wink. We emailed back and forth for a couple of days to try to get a feel for each other's personalities. She took me off guard and asked if i wanted to go hit a bucket of golf balls that Friday. So, just to paint a picture, pretty blonde girl with a beautiful smile, funny, and WANTS to go golfing, in my book that's 3 for three. So Thursday rolled around, the day before we were supposed to go out, Colton had an ear infection so I picked him up from Grandma's to take him to the Dr. After the Dr. visit, I was pulling into my neighborhood when something special happened. I can't quite put it into words, I looked toward the sky and I swear I was looking straight into heaven. Michelle may as well have been sitting right there next to me. I was overcome unlike I have been since shortly after she passed. The whole week I was wondering if I was ready to get back out there and start seeing people again and she gave me a definitive answer. I KNOW she wants me to be happy. I KNOW she wants me to find someone to help me raise our kids and be an example to my kids and to me.
So it's been almost two weeks and things could not be going better. Her name is Kari. She was married prior for ten years and was divorced nearly two years ago by no fault of her own. She has three beautiful kids that I care deeply about, a 9 year old son and 6 and 3 year old daughters. Go ahead, make the Brady Bunch jokes, I've been hearing them all week! Our kids get along very well and her scenario with her ex is very cordial which is important to me. She makes me laugh, I enjoy being with her, I don't like it when we are apart and I love the fact that she has the same goals and aspirations that I do. She's beautiful and so far I am crazy about her.
I know and I am expecting to get some flak for it being too soon and those that I have talked to about it have been more supportive than I could possibly have expected, especially Michelle's parents. I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am for her family and all their love and support that they not only showed Michelle but me for the last 9+ years. Please know that I would not be doing this if I wasn't ready and if I knew Michelle wasn't all for it. My biggest fear is bringing her to church for the first time and watching everyone's heads turn and knowing that the whispers are about me but I think I'm ready to deal with it. If anyone else thinks they know me better and think they have a better idea of what I need, please keep it to yourself or approach me with your concerns and I will hear you out but please don't put yourself in my situation if you haven't been there. I only say this because of the society we live in, people can't help it.
Thank you to everyone for all that you have done for my family.

Make the blog more manly..

2009-06-11T16:25:00.002-06:00

I had no choice, I had to do it. The floral pattern just wasn't working for me anymore. Thank you Brittany for all your help! Maybe in 12 more years I'll give you a call to help walk me through it again!
So life hasn't slowed down since the last post. I'm pretty much back to work full time and life is going full speed. Brooklyn is at cheer camp on Monday afternoons, Wyatt is the wildest and funniest four year old boy in the world, and Colton finally said screw crawling and started walking all over the place. We are all doing fantastic. Not to say that the last few weeks haven't been very tough on everybody but we accept the fact of what happened and we are all doing our best to move forward. There are times when I have felt guilty for doing as well as I am doing but than I have read a couple of books recently that have reassured me that it is okay to be happy and to move forward. Russell M. Nelson and Paul H. Dunn (RIP) have a way of putting things into perspective and helping answer questions about the reality of the situation.
I am loving the fact that I apparantly slept through June-September and woke up somewhere in the middle of October. What is up with the weather?!?!?!? I think we are in our 5th or 6th straight day of rain and 6/7 of the next few days are rainy. I could bring the sun back out by simply selling my motorcycle but I'm not ready to do that just yet. Any thoughts anyone? Motorcycle vs 4 wheeler? Your input may just be what pushes to towards holding on or selling.
I am so grateful for my family, friends and work associates at this time as well. Everyone has been so supportive of every decision I have made since Michelle's passing. I'm doing my best, everyday is a challenge but we're doing great! Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes and I swear, I am getting to thank you cards for the donations to the kids and foundation this next week!
PS I am now officially driving the coolest truck in Utah

Back from Vegas, back to real life

2009-05-30T20:56:00.002-06:00

I had a nice little three day rereat to Las Vegas for work Wed-Friday. It really was a great deal down there, they sent us down by air, kept us at the New York New York on the strip and really didn't work us too hard at all. We got in fairly early on Wednesday and had some time to kill before having a cocktail party (we drank Coke and Fresca of course) and than we had a dinner with some awards and a speaker before getting turned loose. Thursday was pretty relaxed with meetings until 3:00 and than the whole day off. Thursday night was a blast. We went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at Caesars befire running to the Belagio to see "O" by Cirque Du Soleil. Absolutely unbelievable. I can't imagine where they find the people to do the stuff that the show requires. If you get a chance, go check it out!! After that, we went out to the Stratosphere to take on the sky rides. Since most of us had done the Big Shot we decided to do two of the other rides. I forget the name of both of them, but holy crap. I wish I would have had a change of pants! Friday was a couple of short meetings and than the flight home. It was nice to wake up to my kids this morning after the days without them.
Today was a great day with the kids. A friend of ours set up for the kids to meet and ride a couple of horses up in Bell Canyon. The family was so sweet, the horses were so gentle and the kids had an amazing experience. One very special experience was shortly after we got there, a huge yellow monarch butterfly came out of nowhere and almost "kissed" Wyatt on the nose before circling Brooklyn's head twice and than taking off. The lady that owner the horses said in fourteen years she had never seen anything like that at her place, we all looked at each other and all of us agreed that it was likely Michelle that was responsible and in her own little way, dropping by to say hello and I love you to the kids. After playing with the animals for a little while, I took the two oldest to Toys R Us with the gift card that my Marine buddy Joey put together with his shop. The kids had a ball picking virtually everything they wanted, Christmas may get cancelled this year!! :)
After being away for a couple of days, coming home to the house again made me reflect back on Michelle most of the day. It is still hard to believe that she is gone. It just doesn't seem real. It's very difficult to deal with. I hate going to bed alone and I hate looking around the room forgetting momentarily that she isn't there anymore. It is so hard but I know she is with us always and that with time it will get easier. I see her in the face of all three of my beautiful kids, I see her in the sunrise and set, I feel her everywhere I go. We all miss her but knowing that we will see her again one day makes it easier. Our nine year anniversary would have been June 1.
I am anxious and aprehensive about the future. I know that I will eventually move on and I pray that all will be supportive of whenever I make the decision to do so. My kids and I have a busy summer ahead. We are trying to manage Dad+3, I feel vastly outnumbered but we are getting it figured out. Broooklyn and Wyatt are tremendous helpers for Daddy in dealing with Colton. As he gets more mobile, he gets more difficult to control.

We say goodbye one last time..

2009-05-22T00:08:00.003-06:00

I am really going to do my best to stay on top of this blog because I know that is what Michelle would want me to do. As I go forward, please be patient as the posts may be fewer and less often but I can promise that I will try, blogging for me is a fairly new experience..

Last night and today were very special days as we had the opportunity to say goodbye to Michelle one final time. her viewing was yesterday, May 20 at Wing Mortuary in Lehi. There was a tremendous turnout and miraculously, it ended right on time. We thought for sure that we were going to be there into the late hours of the night. Prior ot the viewing, and I would kill myself if I forgot these details, on Tuesday night, Leon, Lori and I had the chance to dress Michelle in her temple robes and do her hair and make up. None of us were really sure how this was going to go and we were all understandably nervous. When we first arrived at the mortuary, she was laying there, on the cold metal table in her temple dress. It was very difficult to see her lifeless body laying there so vulnerable and helpless. I initially got very emotional and fortunately Lori was there to help me cry on her shoulder and gain my composure. When we all had a few minutes to catch our breath, Quinn from the mortuary helped us get things going. We got her dressed with little discussion and than were able to move onto her makeup and hair. This is where it got exciting..
We aren't sure what happened exactly but the three of us just started talking about some of the memories of Michelle but as we started her makeup, we couldn't help but start laughing as we could only imagine Michelle watching us from on high and just laughing at the effort we were making to try to do her justice. She was always so beautiful and she had such a way of making herself up daily that made her so stunning. I have never done make up anywhere, on anyone, EVER!! But I took the reigns and made it happen. It involved several q-tips, cotton balls and tissues but somehow or another, we did her justice. I later found out that concealer and lipstick are not the same thing even though the manufacturer insists on putting them in identical containers. I did my best, I think she would appreciate it, regardless of how good or bad we feel we did. It gave us an opportunity to laugh and joke about her for a few minutes privately together which the three of us really enjoyed.
Her viewing went very well. Great turnout, many tears and lasting, loving tributes. It was very fiiting for her, being the angel that she was and is to have so many visitors and loved one's there to pay their respects.
This morning was the funeral. I wasn't lloking forward to speaking as up until this morning I had nothing prepared to say. I trusted that she would be right there beside me to guide me and she for sure was. She opened my mind to some great memories as soon as I got up this morning. I immediately upon getting out of the shower grabbed a pen as I didn't want to forget anything that she was whispering in my ear. The funeral was set up very nicely and again we had many visitors come through prior to the service to not only pay Michelle their respects but to also show me their love and support which I greatly appreciated. The hardest part by far since her passing was when we had to close the casket one last time after veiling her face. It was hard to know that I will not see her beautiful face again other than in pictures until we meet in heaven. The service was beautiful. Leon, Jackie and I all did very well and I really feel that she was honored as she should have been. Natalie Griffith and Christine Ivie sang a beautiful rendition of Nearer My God To Thee and Tyler played Ashokan Farewell on the Piano. We did our best to make it light, funny, but at the same time touching and with perspective. She had touched the lives of so many for so long. It was nice to see the turnout, the room was packed. I was honored to be able to speak about the many fun times that we had together and about her little quirks like bunco and her adorable crooked smile forced on her by numerous surgeries. She was loved by so many ad will obviously never be forgotten.
I have greatly appreciated the kind words spoken of her and also the thoughts and well wishes that have been directed to me through all of this. I was married to a truly amazing woman. My kids were blessed with the best mother in the world, and I know her parents could not possibly be prouder of the daughter that they did such a good job bringing up. Thank you to all the attended both physically and in spirit. Thank you to all that donated to my children and her foundation as well. My family is so well taken care of, we are so blessed to live where we live and to have so many amazing people surrounding us. I know there is a reason we are living here at this time. We truly were guided here by powers on high and I could not be happier than I am right now. I am excited for what lies ahead. I know it will be difficult and I know that Michelle will be right there beside me in all that I do. I expect her to mess with me from time to time as she did here while she was alive and I welcome it. As the Alan Jackson song "Sissy's Song" states, "Don't worry 'bout me", I know Michelle is in the loving arms of so many that have gone before her, she loved and was loved by so many, thank you for everything that everyone has done. Love to all!

Michelle's obituary

2009-05-18T21:07:00.003-06:00

This will also be printed in the Deseret News and Salt lake Tribune Tuesday May 18

Michelle Langston Bancroft (January 22, 1981 - May 18, 2009) Sign Guest Book

We say good bye to a loving Mother, Wife, Daughter and Friend as Michelle has been called back to the loving arms of her Heavenly Father. Michelle succumbed to a three year long courageous battle with cancer. Michelle fought a hard fight without complaining or asking why she was forced to go through any of the pain and suffering that she endured. She was born on January 22, 1981 in Salt Lake City and she passed away on May 18, 2009 in Saratoga Springs.
She is survived by her devoted husband, three young children, mother, father, brother and sister along with several nieces and nephews. Michelle touched the lives of so many throughout the country as many read about her struggles and triumphs on her blog. Although leaving a void in our lives she will never be forgotten as we know we are joined with her together for eternity. Our sincerest heartfelt thanks goes out to the staff of many Doctors and nurses that provided her such incredible care at Huntsman cancer institute through several surgeries and treatments.
Michelle’s family asks that in lieu of flowers, contributions be made to an account in her name at Zion’s First National Bank where half will be contributed to her children and the other half to a cancer foundation in her name. Memorial services will be as follows:
Funeral services will be held Thursday, May 21, 2009 at 11:00 a.m. at the Saratoga Springs Stake Center, 587 South Saratoga Road. Family and friends may call Wednesday, May 20, 2009 from 6-8:00 p.m. at Wing Mortuary, 118 East Main, Lehi and Thursday morning from 9:30-10:30 a.m. at the Stake Center. Interment, Lehi City Cemetery. Online guest book at wingmortuary.com.

Michelle's Viewing and Funeral Details

2009-05-18T13:40:00.005-06:00

Viewing will be held Wednesday May 20 at Wing Mortuary in Lehi, UT. 118 East Main Lehi, UT 84043 from 6:00-8:00pm

Viewing and Funeral services will be held Thursday May 21 at the Saratoga Springs Stake Center. 587 S. Saratoga Rd. Saratoga Springs UT 84045. The viewing will be from 9:30-10:30 and the service will begin at 11:00. The gravesite service will take place at Lehi cemetary. A small family luncheon will be served afterwards at our chapel near our house.

Thank you to all for your kind words and thoughts throughout the day. They have been much appreciated by us all.

Gone but never to be forgotten, Michelle bancroft 1/22/1981-05/18/2009...by Justin

2009-05-18T05:42:00.005-06:00

Michelle passed away very peacefully this morning at 4:00am. She fought harder than anyone could have anticipated and stared this disease right in the face without once backing down. There were times that we thought she had this thing beat but our Father in Heaven had plans for her on the other side. She has touched the lives of more than can be counted throughout this ordeal and I'm sure her influence will be felt by many for years to come. I will hopefully have arrangements secured for the viewing and funeral later today and will update this as soon as I can.

Scary night and sign of things to come...by Justin

2009-05-17T09:13:00.006-06:00

I know it's been a little while and several people have asked why I haven't posted anything. There really hasn't been anything to add, until last night. At roughly 10:15 we were just starting to settle down for the night. Michelle was having a difficult time breathing all day yesterday. Although her oxygen saturation was high, between 94-100 all day, she just can't get on top of being short of breath. She was brushing her teeth and than tried to catch her breath on the edge of the baththub. I noticed that she was starting to drift in and out so I got her into bed. Once she was in bed, I checked her oxygen saturation and it was 100, perfect. I got myself situated and into bed when Michelle reminded me that we hadn't flushed her lines yet. I got her saline and heperin taken care of and when I was clearing her second line she started to get a little shaky and seemed to be falling forward towards me. I laid her down and threw everything away and when I came back to bed, she was not responsive. I checked her saturation again and it was at 81 (anything below 90 is not good). She continued to be non-responsive for a couple more minutes, I turned her air up, checked to make sure her oxygen hose was clear, everything I could think of but her saturation continued to drop. By the time I called the nurse, it was as low as 47. knowing that Michelle has a DNR in place, I was torn between trying to do all I could to revive her or simply hold her hand and let her go peacefully.
I know what is eventually going to happen and I know there is nothing anyone can do to change it but this just came up all too fast. I called a neighbor friend who happened to be on duty last night with Saratoga PD, he came out and helped me assess her. He took her hand and asked if she wanted medical attention, she squeezed his hand but says now that she didn't knowingly do that. Medical attention arrived but I made sure that they understood that she would not be taken from the house and that she didn't want any heroic measures. After my friend Jared arrived, she started to come around on her own. Her saturation got better and better and she regained consciousness.
Last night was an experience that I know all too well will repeat itself and next time I will do what I know is right. There is more to what happened last night with seemingly all of Utah county police and medical in the front yard and in the house but the details are not important. I did hold Michelle's hand last night and told her how much I love her and to go if she felt like it was the right time. I don't know if this was supposed to be some sort of drill but at least I will be better prepared for whatever comes at me next time. She slept pretty well last night, her oxygen saturation has been in the mid 90's with one small dip this morning to 87 for a few seconds.
This obviously can't be a good sign and I know in my heart that she doesn't have much time left. I have to make a decision to close the door to visitors until she is gone or shows some improvement. It takes too much out of her to entertain people even though I know she likes the attention. I'm going to do my best to keep her in bed as much as possible. She is out of energy simply getting up to go to the couch.
If you haven't had the chance to visit and still want to, please call or text me and I'll try to arrange for it but I can't make any promises. Understand though as well that last time we were at a "critical" point, I got 367 text messages in one day. It gets overwhelming. There will be a time to properly pay your respect, but be mindful and respectful knowing that although your well wishes are personal, it gets very overwhelming coming from everyone that we know. At this point it's vital that we get as much uninterrupted time together with the kids. If I do not respond to your message it isn't personal, I just don't have time to give everyone an individual update on what's going on. I'll be sure to update again when we have any new events transpire.

Not much to say but...by Justin

2009-05-06T16:48:00.002-06:00

Nothing has really changed since the last post but I understand that when there is nothing new written, people either interpret it one of two ways; catastrophic or relieving.
Michelle's condition hasn't changed. She is now on hospice so there will be no more visits to doctors or hospitals. We have had so many visitors and as much as we enjoy everyone coming over to wish us well, sometimes too much of a good thing can be exhausting for both of us. We have changed our visitor "policy" a couple of times by adjusting hours where our door is open, etc but we decided late last night that we are going to take the rest of the week, tonight-Friday night off for visitors and just catch up on some family time. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY anyone who has come over thus far!! Noone "helped" us make this decision, we just want a couple days to catch our breath and enjoy more time together one on one + kids. We also have some people travelling in from out of state and we want to be able to give them some time as they have spent a great deal to come see us on such short notice.
Feel free to give us a call this weekend if you would like to come by for a visit, again, keep 'em short and sweet!

So many visitors and food! by Justin

2009-04-30T08:47:00.003-06:00

Nothing again has really changed since the last post but just to dispel rumors before they get started, we are in the process of starting Michelle on hospice. Hospice by no means is any sign of imminent doom but just more of a help for Michelle's comfort and our family's well being. We will get all the help that we need through this service and don't have to worry about any more doctor visits, panic due to lab results, etc. We can now just focus on getting our family ready for what is happening around us and dealing with it appropriately.
Michelle is in great spirits. She has her moments but she is still defying the odds and seemingly dealing with this better than everyone around her. I don't know where she gets it from but she finds the energy to smile, laugh and even give me crap from time to time. I have been testing her competence in asking nearly everyday if I can either buy a motorcycle or a new truck and everyday without fail she shuts me down. Good to see that somethings never change.
As a final note for today, the ward and family have pretty much kept our bellies full on dinners. Please as you come to visit, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not bring dinner unless you have talked to us about it. We are out of fridge space and I don't want anything to be wasted. Also, my kids are constantly of the walls with candy and other sugary treats, please do not bring anymore junk food unless it is for Michelle, I sure don't need anymore either.

No news is good news: By Justin

2009-04-27T21:14:00.002-06:00

Many people have gotten concerned with what's going on since there hasn't been any updates over the last few days. As titled, no news is good news. Since we got her oxygen figured out she has been doing much better. She is still sprouting new spots but is feeling much better each day. We really didn't think if you would have asked us last Monday that she would be here still but she is doing really well the last few days.
Dr. Bentz, or Brandon as he has insisted we call him, came out yesterday for a nice visit. I don't know about you but I have never met a Dr. and a team of care providers that cares so deeply about their patients even after they are no longer in charge of their care. I don't think we would have ever guessed that the team of Dr.'s and nurses would end up being such fantastic friends. Michelle has had a lot of fluid collecting in the right side of her abdomen and it may be related to her liver. Brandon talked to the powers that be and we may take her in for an outpatient (hopefully) procedure to drain the fluid. This should help her feel much better once this is done. She can't go without oxygen still and probably won't ever be able to go off it. She is very reliant on it and it is cranked way up but whatever makes her feel better. Her recent spike in feeling better is a very welcome sight yet for me at the same time is somewhat disheartening as it somewhat gives a sense of false hope but we are all enjoying her recent recovery. We'll take any victory we can get and are still holding out for a miracle.
On another positive note, I came home today to see a huge team of people decorating my yard with beautiful flowers. Some of our old neighbors came out and had a load of mulch delivered and before long a whole team of people were over planting flowers. My yard has never looked better. I've lived here 4 years and in a couple short hours my yard was completely made over. I cannot thank those responsible enough for all that has been done to help my family through this difficult time. I have heard from so many people that I haven't talked to in forever. Many old friends, family, Marine brothers, etc. It has been such a nice reunion of sorts. It's amazing how far and wide something like this can spread and bring out the best in people.

How did all this happen? Posted by Justin

2009-04-23T09:06:00.006-06:00

Many people that have just started following this blog have asked how all of this happened to Michelle. I thought it appropriate to summarize more or less what brought all this on.

We are pretty sure that it started shortly before we were married. Days before Michelle and I started dating she had a mole on her lower jaw that was removed. The Dr. thought it looked suspiscious and had it sent out for further testing. After a few days and a couple of different evaluations it was determined that the mole looked cancerous but in fact was not. They called it psuedomelanoma. It looked bad but was benign. Five years passed and we didn't give it a second thought until a bump started to form behind and below her left ear. We had a Dr. in Orem look at it and he determined that regardless of what it was that it needed to come out. She went through a very short surgery to remove it it was determined that this tumor was benig so again we felt like we dodged a bullet.
Roughly 11 months later the lump came back along the incision line and we elected to go to a Dr. Hunter at Cottonwood Hospital. He couldn't exactly determine what the problem was but he didn't want to compromise her main facial nerve and given that all signs pointed to the tumor being benign he decided that he would debulk the tumor as much as possible and radiate the remaining tumor so that she wouldn't have facial paralysis. After a couple weeks of pathology andd other tests, Dr. Hunter let us know that the tumor had malignant tendencies and in some ways mimicked melanoma. He than took her back to surgery and had no choice but to remove the tumor, along with the facial nerve. Another Dr. assisted by grafting her seral nerve from her left leg and grafted it in. We thought that margins were clear and it was thought at the time that it was a peripheral nerve sheath tumor. Dr. Hunter evaluated her for several months for follow up. After awhile, she noticed a firmness in her left cheek and aklong the incision line again. Dr. Hunter did a minimally invasive procedure to get samples of tissue to further evaluate. He called about two weeks later and said that the tumor had returned and was appearing to be spreading into her cheek and the surrounding area. He recommended at this point that she be treated by Dr. Bentz at Huntsman Cancer Institute.
We started at Huntsman about a year and a half ago. Dr. Bentz initially consulted her and advised of what he would like to do but always gave us the ultimate decision making power. He has been a tremendous resource for us as a physician and friend. We decided to try a procedure that would remove a big portin of tissue behid and below her ear and bring the skin from her neck up and stitching in place over what was removed. This was roughly a 6 hour procedue and at this point her fourth surgery on this same area. She recovered very well other than a 2-3 bout with shingles that was very painful and caused tremendous swelling on the left side of her face.
Not long after this surgery she formed a loarge blister like lesion behind her ear where most of the problems had taken place before. She went to our family physician and he tried to drain it but nothing really drained. He recommended that we go back to Huntsman. Dr. Bentz took a sample and had pathology take a look, it again was cancer. The decision was made that if we had any chance to beat this thing that a radical resection of all tissue involved would need to go. This included her left ear and her left cheek. Over the course of a 19 hour surgery, the Dr.'s removed the tissue and did a "flap" transfer" from her left thigh to patch in the resected area. This surgery was hell on Michelle and caused her indescribable pain. She again pushed through and overcame this problem and eventually responded well to radiation treatment. We thought that maybe we had this thing beat.
Following all of these procedures, we continued to consult with Dr. Bentz and his team. Scans were done to see if any metastasis had taken place and several spots showed in Michelle's lung and one in her back. We were than handed over to Dr. Akerly, the medical oncologist to determine what could be done to treat the disease. We settled on a more or less experimental treatment called interleukin II. The drug is used to treat people with kidney diseases and cancer. This treatment reqired one week in the hospital and side effects simialr to a bad flu with nausea, retaining water, pain and significant discomfort. She gained roughly 20 pounds during that weak and ended up with some fluid in her lung. After the week in the hospital, she would go 9 weeks with no treatment but would get a scan to determine if it appeared to be working. To our surprise and the Dr.'s, all of the tumors in her lung were smaller and she appeared to be responding to the treatment very well. We decided to go through round 2 of the treatment and through all the side effects, she again did very well.
It was than decided that the best form of treatment for her back would be through radiation. But the problem arose that over a very short period of time the tumor went from the size of a golf ball to roughly the tize of my fist. It was too big for radiation and we were referred to Dr. Yonamura at the University Neurological unit. He performed a surgery that removed two of her vertebrae as the tumor was encroaching on her spinal cord. He did not get all of the tumor and Michelle again had to go through hell on her road to recovering from this surgery. The plan was after the surgery that she would start radiation to treat the remainder of the tumor. She spent 16 days in the hospital and came home, doing pretty well physically. At this point is where my last post begins. Since than everything has gone down hill.
On a more positive note, Michelle recieved so many visitors yesterday and it really seemed to help her out physically. She was able to come out on the porch and visit with family and friends. Although the visits seemed to help, she was exhausted by the end of the day. We are more than willing to accept visitors and I know she loves the company but we ask that if you are going to visit that you please keep your visit brief giving everyone a chance to take a few moments alone with her. She did very well yesterday and I would say that it was probably her best day in the last 4-5 days. We hope to see continual improvement. She has taken her last chemo dose for the next three weeks and is still being treated for an infection that we don't believe exists. Her spirits are strong although her body is extrememly weak. her strength and determination amaze me every day. I do not know anyone that has gone through so much and affected the lives of so many people as she has. I joke with her that if I died that my funeral could fit in a phone booth but there is not a building anywhere that could accomodate all those that love her and that she has affected in her 28 years here on earth. We know that she is in good hands and that the Lord is mindful of her and our family at this difficult time. It hasn't been easy but we know there is a reason for everything that happens and we are prepared for whatever life throws at us.

Here's the truth. Posted by Justin

2009-04-21T23:06:00.002-06:00

I have done my best to censor at Michelle's request the blog updates from the last week or so. I asked Michelle for permission to post the truth about the severity of the situation. Michelle came home from the hospital after her last surgery and showed some promise of improvement. After being home for ten days she started to fight an infection. She had a constant fever of over 101 for around 3 days. She also pointed out to me about three spots that had shown up, a lump on the top of her head, one in her armpit and one on the right side of her jaw. I knew what they were as soon as she showed me, we didn't need a Dr's confirmation.
She went to her Dr that afternoon and he confirmed our worst fears. The treatments are no longer working and the cancer is having it's way with her. The three spots have become at last count 44. That is only what we can see and feel. We don't know exactly what's going on inside her body and against her organs. She is on more pain medications than you can possibly imagine, antinausea meds, antibiotics, and chemotherapy. The chemo is a last ditch effort and it would surprise everybody if it worked at all. It isn't designed to cure her at this point, just buy her time. She only has one more day of the chemo and than 23 days off before starting again.
If you have been trying to figure out when to come see her, now is the time. She isn't going anywhere right away, but it is coming. She will not be returning to the hospital if at all possible, she wants to go at home surrounded by her family. It will be difficult for all of us but this is what she wants. We are hoping that it will be a tremendous spiritual experience for our family but our biggest hope is that she will not suffer any longer than she needs to.
As you read this I'm sure this may come as a shock to many of you as we have all held out hope as long as possible. I wish I could give everyone some sort of timeframe but it is coming sooner rather than later. please don't put off saying your goodbyes. If it is too difficult to come see her, we completely understand. She can feel your love and support. Our door is open unless she is not feeling up to visitors but we are accomodating everyone that we can that wants to come see her.
Our ward, family and friends have been fantastic. I cannot say thank you enough to everyone for all that they have done to help and support our family. We are so grateful to her care providers at Huntsman as well. What an amazing faclity it is. We are so blessed to have such an incredible hospital so close. Her Dr's have been incredible as have all of her nurses. We have forged everlasting relationships with many people at the hospital and we will never forget any of them. Please keep Michelle in your prayers but turn your thoughts and prayers to her comfort.

Update on Michelle from Justin

2009-04-19T22:09:00.003-06:00

Michelle was allowed to come home today from the Huntsman Cancer Hospital. She was there for 12 days this time around. She has spent 28 of the last 38 days in the hospital. After several days of fishing for an infection, countless needle sticks and bags and bags of medication, it was determined that she likely never had an infection and that it is either the cancer itself or her body recognizing that there is a problem somewhere and trying to fight it off. Either way, no infection so Dr. Akerly decided to go ahead and start a new chemotherapy treatment. The treatment is designed to help shrink the tumors with very limited side effects. She has to take pills 5 days in a row, 23 days off, 5 days in a row and 23 days off. At that point they will evaluate her to determine if the treatment is working and continue the treatment if effective and discontinue if not.
Michelle is on a Fentanyl pain pump and oxygen 24 hours a day. She is still dealing with a lot of pain from her last surgery as well as other issues that her body is dealing with. Hopefully being home will provide her an emotional boost that will reflect physically and allow her some time to enjoy the kids outside of a hospital room. She really needs to take the next 24 hours to get situated at home before I would like to see her recieve many visitors. Please call me if you are just dying to see her and I will let you know if she is really feeling up for visitors. Her time at home is precious so I would like to allow her as much time to enjoy the kids and her family as much as possible.
As for me, I have one more day in this class before I get a little bit of a break. I have adjusted my work schedule as well to provide me more time at home with the kids at night. I have been blessed with great parents and in laws that not only help with the kids and around the house but also allow me an opportunity to have some much needed time for myself to keep me balanced.

Update from Justin at Michelle's request..

2009-04-16T14:18:00.002-06:00

Michelle wanted me to take a minute to update everyone on her current goings on. She is still in the hospital as they are trying to find the source of her infection. She has been recieveing plasma to thin her blood so that they can do a spinal tap. They wanted to do it a couple of days ago but haven't gotten her blood levels where they need to be. They are supposedly going to get it done today but they were supposedly going to just keep her overnight and that was eight days ago. It's a day to day struggle with everyday seeming to bring new challenges.

Michelle has asked me not to share the entirety of what is currently going on but she is fighting hard and trying her best to come home where she feels she will be more comfortable. The Dr's are trying to help her manage her pain levels and have put her back on Fentanyl drip to help her while in the hospital. She cannot go home while on IV meds so they will need to make sure they get her on the right oral meds so that we don't need to keep shuttling her back and forth from home to huntsman so they can experiment with medications. Her radiation treatments have been put on hold until they get her infection figured out at which point they can have her come in to St. Marks for daily treatment for three weeks. After the three weeks, Dr. Akerley, Michelle and I are going to try to determine a treatment plan for the foreseeable future to see where that gets her.

Thank you to everyone that has been up to see her.

2009-04-12T09:10:00.004-06:00

I am humbled this Easter morning. I have been having a lot of really stressful days, but today is Easter and a day for me to sit and reflect on my life that has been a gift. I think about Jesus and all that he went through for me. I know He has felt the pain I have been enduring. I am so grateful to know that the Resurrection is real and one day I too will be Resurrected. I know that nobody else on earth can understand the pain I have been through, except for Jesus. He knows the pain I've felt from every surgery or treatment. It is beauful to think about our Heavenly Father's plan for me. He died for me that I might live. I have such a strong testimony of my Savior's love and know that He is aware of me and my circumstances.
I am so grateful for everything I have and have been blessed with.
I am excited to see the kids today, hopefully they will still be in their Easter clothes. I would love to be at home with them and seeing their excited faces when they see what the Easter bunny brought them. If I can't go home tonight for a few hours, then they will come up and show me. They are the most adorable kids in the world! I just love them so much. They light up a whole room when they come in (not to mention raise the noise level 100% louder!) Little stinkers.

As far as any news on the infection, we still have no source. They want to take some of the fluid on the outside of my lung and test it today. This requires the Interventional Radiology to use ultrasound and a needle. I thought they were taking fluid out of my lung, but they want to do this either instead or first. I'm not sure. From rumors it sounded like they weren't going inside the lung at all. So, this test they are doing today sounds like it takes a couple more days to get results, so that's probably about how long I will be here. Man, I can't seem to get out of these hospitals once I am admitted. At least I am comfortable here and getting the best treatment. After being at the U of U Hospital, I appreciate Huntsman that much more!
I asked about going home for a few hours today and if Hospital policy lets me, I will be able to. I doubt they will let me go because of Hospital policy or because of insurance reasons. Pray I will get out of here for me will ya?

2009-04-11T09:19:00.004-06:00

There is good reason it's been a few days since I've been on here. I'm sure some have heard and others are hearing rumors, but yes I am back in the hospital. I started having low grade fevers every now and then since I left the U of U hospital. Over last weekend they went up to 101, which they always tell you to call if it gets that high. One of my chest tube sites looks like it could be infected and also looks like it doesn't want to close. So, I went to my family practice Dr and had him take a culture of the site. He put me on a general antibiotic until we figured out what bacteria was growing. I called him on Wednesday morning to see if he'd gotten results back yet. I had woken up that morning with a fever of 102.5. He called me back and told me that there was a very resilient bug in there that would need strong antibiotics, but he's not sure because it could have just been on the skin and wasn't infecting the area. He told me to go to the E.R. and be admitted, but would rather have me see my team of cancer doctors up at Huntsman. Luckily I already had an appointment the same day.
I met with Dr. Akerley and told him about the fevers and what Dr. Christensen had found. He looked at the chest tube site and thought it actually didn't look infected. It wasn't red or having pus drain out from it. Based off of my fevers alone though, he decided to admit me anyway to figure out at very least what was causing the fevers. Soon after I was admitted we started doing many tests. We did blood cultures, urine tests, x rays, and then it was bed time. Thursday we did CAT scans and an MRI to take a close look at all of the hardware in my back from the surgery and make sure it wasn't infected, which can be very very scary. The scans were also to see if there were any spots of infection basically anywhere else. The only thing they've found really is some fluid in my right lung (the same one that collapsed and has a hole), so they want to have Interventional Radiology get in there with a needle, using ultrasound, and draw the fluid out and test it. If that doesn't come back infected, then I'm not sure what they'll do next. We just keep doing test after test and playing the waiting game.
They are having an Easter Egg Hunt up here at the hospital this morning and Justin is bringing up the kids so I can watch them. We are asking if I can be released from the hospital for at least tomorrow so I can be home for Easter. It all depends on if they find an infection. It also depends on what kind of infection they find and how scary it is and how long it will take to treat it. We are hoping we can treat it at home with an IV still in.
So, that's what's been going on. The best news we got this morning is that there doesn't appear to be any infection near or on the hardware in my back! Yay! I was so super worried about that.
In my last post I talked about going to see Dr. Nirula about the hole in my lung. I ended up canceling that because I was admitted the same day. We now also know there is fluid in my lung. I have been on oxygen basically since I have been up here, so I wonder if they both have something to do with it.
Also I had mentioned that my legs, mostly the left had been hurting from overdoing it trying to squat to pick up stuff around the house. I was also partly worried that I might have blood clots. So, we had my legs checked while I've been here and they are blood clot free.
If I think of anything else, I'll add it. My doctors are standing outside my door discussing me right now and will be coming in shortly. I may add another post if they have anything interesting to say.

2009-04-07T20:50:00.002-06:00

Well, I got a phone call asking me not to come in for my PET/CT on Friday. Dr. Akerley cancelled it bacause I will be starting radiation and the fact that it would be very uncomfortable for me to lay on my back for that amount of time.
This weekend went by pretty uneventful. The only new thing is that I have been fighting a fever, which got up to 101. I have one of the chest tube sites that doesn't really want to close and doesn't look too great. I went to my family doc on Monday to get it checked out. He did a culture and gave me some stuff to put on it. He also put me on oral antibiotics.
Today has been a really hard day for me painwise. It's my legs this time, mostly the left. I think I did too much squatting this weekend trying to pick things up off the ground. Normally that would be ok, but my legs have no muscle tone right now and that really overdid it for me. I've had a heating pad on it all day and even took a muscle relaxer to help.
Tomorrow I will be meeting with Dr. Akerley for a follow up. I will also be meeting with Dr. Nirula to check on the hole in my lung, to make sure it has healed. I'm sure it has because my breathing hasn't been strained at all. I also will be asking Dr. Akerley about a few new lumps I've found. We're not sure if they are anything, but they showed up at the same time and are the same size. If it was anyone else I wouldn't be worried, but it's me, so of course I worry.

It's me!!

2009-04-02T20:41:00.003-06:00

I'm back! Finally I guess. It's been a very long and frustrating time healing. I haven't read through what Justin has written so I have no idea how updated or what was written, so I guess this is just my point of view.
Since I've been home, I've been out of bed maybe a total of 5-7 hours. It is so hard to move out of the most comfortable position for my back, which is lots of pillows propping me up, and then a couple under my knees. I sleep and pretty much eat this way. I am getting stronger everyday though. I don't have to have help everytime I need to get out of bed now. I feel like I don't need to sleep quite as much either.
It has been nice for the kids to have me home and at least here to listen to them. They seem extra emotional and kind of on a roller coaster since I've been home. I guess that's to be expected. I feel horrible every time Colton wants me to hold him and I can't, but at least I am here with him, right? Wyatt is so hyper and cries easily, and Brooklyn is loving cuddling up to me in bed and reading to me. I'm sure they will all alternate on who's the cuddliest when.
The pain has been the hardest part for me to deal with. I think we are finally figuring it out and getting it under control. My family Dr., who is close to home, has agreed to help figure out my blood levels for my blood clots has also offered to help in anything I need, especially with the pain. I go to him every other day and draw blood to see where my levels are and we adjust the dose of the blood thinners accordingly. I could be on these medications for up to 6 months.
Today I went up to Huntsman to meet with my Radiation oncologist to set up treatment planning, again. I got one new tattoo, which gives me a total of 7 radiation tattoos. Luckily they look like tiny little freckles, which blend in with all the freckles I have anyway. They gave me a sucker with phentinyl (sp?) in it to help with the pain of lying on my back for the planning. They took one CT scan. I guess that was all they had to do. We will be using a mold that we made 4 weeks ago, thank goodness. I didn't want to have to make a new one.
It was a long and tiring day out for me. Tomorrow I'm going back up to Huntsman for a PET/CT scan for Dr. Akerely, my treatment Dr. I meet with him next week to go over it and see where, if anywhere there is cancer and what to do next, other than the radaition, if anything.
So, overall it is so so good to be home, even though this surgery had so many complications and it was a bit frustrating overall, I know it was for the best, and we got a huge tumor out of my back! That's news to celebrate, right? I think so! Give me a few weeks and I might feel up to celebrating. Thanks to everyone for all you love and support, your thoughts and prayers, your meals and service rendered to me and to my family. I couldn't make it without you.
I also know this has been especially hard on Justin. I think he has been exceptionally wonderful in holding our family together. There are so many to thank and to continue to thank. If I start thinking about all the help I've recieved and still recieving, it gets overwhelmingly emotional for me. My mom has been here most days out of the week, working tirelessly with my kids and not a complaint ever heard, my mother in law rearranging her schedule at work to be here when I need her, again with no complaints, just happy to help. My dad for being at the hospital 15 days out of 16, stressing his heart out for his little girl, just wishing he could switch places with me. (oops, I've done it, I'm officially crying now). And for Devon, for working a full time job and then being here with the kids everynight, so Justin could come see me, or go to school. Angels among us? I know so. So, thank you. I love you. You all are so wonderful and help give me the strength to continue this fight for my life.

Home..Finally

2009-03-29T12:21:00.002-06:00

Michelle came home yesterday and as expected she was very excited. The kids and Devon made a banner for our garage saying " Welcome Home, Mom", the kids were excited for her to be home too. Maybe she'll have better luck with them listening to her because whenever I say anything it seems to go unnoticed. So she is up and about when she needs to be but is going to be spending much of her time in bed for the coming weeks. She has a busy week with several Dr. appointments and hopefully physical therapy will get her stronger and back to normal sooner rather than later.

Turning a corner?...

2009-03-26T19:55:00.002-06:00

Michelle got out of bed and walked the whole floor yesterday to prove to the therapists that she does not need to transfer hospitals. They agreed that she is strong enough and agreed with her that she can go home without staying any longer in the hospital. She does still have the chest tube because the blood thinners that she has are causing her chest to continue to drain. It is draining less and less each day so it is just a matter of time before they can remove that and within 48 hours she should be home. I am crossing my fingers thinking that we are getting close to ending this recent nightmare. knock on wood, wish upon a star, pulling eyelashes, howling at the moon...any other ideas?

Sigh.....

2009-03-25T13:58:00.002-06:00

Michelle has blood clots in her arms from the many, many IV's that she has had over the last two weeks. They are loading her up with heperine (sp?) to loosen things up and they "say" that they should dissolve on their own. They also mentioned to her today that they want her to stay in the hospital for awhile longer, even after the chest tube comes out to rehab her and get her stronger before she comes home. Noone seems to know how much longer that will be but it won't be at the University of Utah because we are not covered there for rehab apparantly. SO, they want to move her to the Intermountain Medical Center in Murray to get going with that sometime in the next few days. If you are planning to go visit her, I will update the blog once she has been moved or as soon as we find out when they are going to move her. STAYING POSITIVE but getting ready to hit something really hard!! :)

Longest stay in the hospital so far

2009-03-24T11:20:00.002-06:00

Michelle has now spent 12 days in the hospital making this her longest hospitalization so far. She is getting stronger everyday and seems to be making process. Her biggest hang up right now is that she still has her chest tube in. She was up and walking for really the first time yesterday. I didn't get a chance to see her as I had work and class yesterday but I will be able to see her tonight before heading to the Jazz game and sitting in a suite! (Jealous?)
I'm excited for the night out after visiting with her as this will be a nice distraction from reality for a couple of hours. Like I said she is doing better all the time and will be able to come home within a day or two of her tube coming out. She is on the 5th floor of the University Hospital if you would like to visit her. Please call her and if she is feeling well enough for company she will answer, if not, don't be offended, she doesn't answer all the time when I call either! :)
She has been able to see the kids a couple times now since getting out of the ICU which has really cheered her up and at thew same time depressed her as she really misses the kids and wants to get home to help take care of them. Thanks for all your prayers on her behalf. She'll be home soon.

Out of NCCU

2009-03-22T11:13:00.002-06:00

Michelle was moved out of the Nuero Critical care unit na dmoved to much more relaxed room on the 5th floor of the Univ. Hospital. Not sure if they will mover her to Huntsman or when that will happen. She cannot go up to Huntsman without her chest tube being taken out anyway so that could happen in the next 24-48 hours.
She had a vicious mirgraine and a lot of nausea yesterday that really kept her from doing much of anything. She slept a lot of the day due to the valium and antinausea drugs that she was on. She is getting stronger but it seems that everytime she starts making progress, something gets in the way. Still no word on when she will be coming home, best guess is mid week but I wouldn't be surprised to see her stay until next weekend as she is still on plenty of IV painkillers.

Doing better everyday

2009-03-20T18:18:00.002-06:00

Michelle is looking better, feeling better and making more and more progress all the time. She was sitting up in a chair today for about 30 minutes, I haven't seen her incision but her Mom said it's a good one. We're planning on telling our Grandkids one day that Grandma got in a fight with a shark.
She is much more alert than she has been and seems to be recalling conversations better than she has the last couple of days. One reason I haven't wanted anyone to call her is because she really still sounds worse than she is. I guess that happens when you have a tube shoved down your throat twice in a week for surgeries?! Hopefully her chest tube will come out in the next couple of days and we can get her moved to Huntsman Cancer hotel..errr, Hospital. She wants to post something really quick so from here on out in this post, it's all her...

just want to say hi and let everyone kow I am doing fine and having more progress everyday. It's hard to have visitors because of the hospitals restrictions. I look forward to seeing everyone soon!

Making progress

2009-03-19T21:15:00.002-06:00

Michelle had the procedure this morning to get all the fluid and blood out of her chest. It went well, they only made two small incisions on her right side and inserted two tubes to clear everything out. They removed 750 cc's thus far. They say she should be able to move up to Huntsman very soon without a problem. This should help lift her spirits and allow more people to see her without all the restrictions. Also, Huntsman has looser pain management restrictions than the U. Huntsman really does a fantastic job at getting people comfortable without worrying about patients becoming addicts. University hospital is under such tight restrictions and it seems like every nurse is afraid of losing their job everytime you ask for more medication. Michelle's TV in her room doesn't work so she is left with nothing but a wall to look at. It sucks but she knows it is a matter of time before she gets into better circumstances.
The rest of us are managing, it's so hard watching her suffer every day but she is such an inspiration to everyone she comes in contact with. You can tell that she has had it with hospitals, surgeries, drugs, doctor's and nurses, but there is no way she is going to give up anytime soon. Don't bet against her, you'll lose everytime!!

Good and bad today

2009-03-18T19:14:00.002-06:00

Good news-They seem to have a good idea of how to control her pain. They did sit her up this morning and they have bed propped up to about a 30 degree angle. She has been able to eat some today, this is the first time since her surgery that she has had a chance to eat anything.

Bad news-The fluid in her lungs has not gotten any better. The tube that they put in her chest isn't working. She has to have a procedure done tomorrow morning to clear her lungs. They shouldn't have to open her up with the exception of a couple holes between her ribs while inserting a camera to make sure they take care of the problem. It is one more thing, like she hasn't gone through enough but this should help her feel better and breathe better. Her right lung has collapsed and this will reinflate it.

I did run up to Huntsman to talk to some of our allies up there to see what could be done to get her a room at Huntsman. The university is a fine hospital but they simply do not provide the same level of care. Michelle hates it there and will be much happier and comfortable at Huntsman where she can order food that is edible and have a staff that specializes in cancer care. Once she is out of the NCCU (neurological critical care unit) we will hopefully have a chance to get her moved. We do not know when she will be coming home, my guess would be in a week from now. I will update again tomorrow.

Update on Michelle from Justin

2009-03-17T20:22:00.002-06:00

I went to see Michelle after work today, fortunately her Dad spent most of the day up there with her. She had a rough night and hass had trouble getting on top of the pain but it seems like they might be turning a corner tonight in getting her comfortable. She is still laying flat and really hasn't moved since getting out of surgery last night. Her breathing tube was removed this morning and as of tonight she was awake and aware of what was going on around her.
They did a chest xray earlier today and it showed that she had quite a bit if fluid in her chest. So far her oxygen saturation has been fine and there isn't any immediate need for a chest tube. They will have her sit up in the morning and get her moving a little more constantly.
Bottom line, she looks much better and seems to be feeling much better than she did last night. She wants everyone to know how grateful she is for all of you that care so much for her. She keeps answering the bell each round and fighting this thing as hard as she can. I'll likely add another update thursday and update everyone on how she's doing at that point.

Diagram of what they did in surgery yesterday

2009-03-17T11:00:00.003-06:00

I know this a a very crude picture and really lacking detail but hopefully this gives everyone an idea of what they did in surgery yesterday. This is according to what the Dr. told us yesterday following surgery. Looks painful huh? If we get actual pictures or better perspectives of what they did, we may add those later. She did have the breathing tube removed this morning and her Dad is with her today. I will be seeing her later tonight after work. She still cannot recieve visitors and before anyone goes to the hospital, please talk to Leon or myself. Thank you.

Michelle's surgery update

2009-03-16T22:07:00.000-06:00

Michelle’s surgery was wrapped up at roughly 9:00pm. Leon, Michelle’s dad was there to meet the Dr. I missed talking to him by about 10 minutes. He said that she did very well. I will summarize with some notes that Leon took following his conversation with the Dr.:
The surgeon removed T9-T10
Spinal fusion was between T6-L2
Most of a rib was removed either on 9 or 10 not sure which.
The incision follows (from what we gather) her spine and along the rib that was removed.
They DID NOT get clear margins. (This means that not all the cancer was removed, there is still some in the operative area that they were unable to get to considering the spinal cord, etc.) There is also a questionable spot that was inoperable on T11. Hopefully radiation will get the rest, we’ll see.
The tumor fortunately bled very little thanks to the procedure she underwent on Saturday. These types of tumors tend to bleed a lot so this was good news.
She is and will continue to receive blood transfusions tonight.
She will experience quite a lot of pain over the next few days especially during her stay in the hospital. The soonest she will be out will be Saturday of this week.
For what it’s worth, the Dr. couldn’t see any of the spots that had been in her lungs but future scans will tell that tale.
She is still intibated and will be through tomorrow morning.
She will be in a very critical care unit of the hospital and cannot receive visitors, phone calls, etc.
It will probably be towards the end of the week before our kids will see her. Leon and I are waiting outside in the waiting room and have not seen her yet. It will be close to midnight before we will be able to see her.
This is all that we know at this point, this was a very invasive procedure, more so that I think either of us imagined. Michelle has been through more than anyone I know personally and I know that many of you can say the same thing about her. I do not know how she continues to fight through surgery after surgery and all the pain that comes with it. She refuses to give up her fight and I know how grateful she is for all the thoughts and prayers on her behalf, as does her family and I.
For my sake, please continue to follow this blog as I will do my very best to update it whenever I have any news this next week. It is too difficult to respond to texts, emails and phone calls from everyone individually. If you are restless and need to call me for any reason, please do so and if I can get to your call I will.
Again thank you all for everything you have done for our family. I will keep everyone posted! J

Update from Justin

2009-03-13T16:06:00.004-06:00

Michelle asked me to update everyone on her appointment from earlier today:

We went to the U to talk to her doctor in Neuroscience, Dr. Kenneth Yonemura. Anyway, he had been in contact with Michelle's radiation oncologist and came to the conclusion that surgery would definitely be the most effective treatment option as radiation is not going to be very effective on a tumor this size and this close to her spinal cord. The tumor is in the center of her back, pretty much attached to one of her lower ribs and has encroached into a couple vertebrae in her spinal column. To make a long story short, they are going to have her come up and be admitted tonight so the radiologists can monitor the blood flow into the tumor. There are certain tumors that I guess have a tendency to bleed quite a bit. Of course the tumor Michelle has is this type. They will do whatever they can to cut off the blood supply to the tumor through some procedure with sponges and coils, these are technical terms of course...
She will be home tomorrow afternoon likely and will go back in for surgery on Monday. The surgery will be roughly 8 hours and will include removing the tumor, part of her rib, and the affected vertebrae (probably 3). The plan is to remove as much of the tumor through surgery as possible and than in two or three weeks start radiation to zap the rest.
She will likely be in the hospital for 4-5 nights and will be limited to light lifting (that leaves our baby Colton out) for a couple months. If there is a silver lining to all this, the area of her back that is affected is the middle portion that really stays pretty stationary. It's isn't anywhere where a lot of bending takes place so hopefully this means she will get back to "normal" quickly.
We did ask about the areas in her lungs that were showing up in her last two scans and he couldn't "see" anything obvious. We are hoping this means that her interleukin treatments are working everywhere else and that this will be the last hurdle in her recovery. On Sunday, her dad, brother, brother in law and I will give her a blessing and hopefully provide her with as much comfort as possible as she will likely have a very tough week ahead of her. Thank you to all for your prayers and thoughts on her behalf. You have all been such a blessing to our family and we thank you for what you have all done for us however big or small.
On a personal note, please limit calls to Michelle this weekend as she will be very busy in putting a schedule together for me for next week and getting packed for her week in the hospital. As you can all understand, it is very difficult to go over the same details with every different person that calls. Thank you!!!

2009-03-12T11:58:00.003-06:00

After a few phone calls this morning, this is what I know. I know I will be having surgery first, then a couple weeks later I will be in radiation. I will be doing another MRI this afternoon for a different view of my spine. I will meet with Dr. Kenneth Yonemura, a neurosurgeon in the morning to discuss the surgery and figure out how emergent this surgery will be. That's all I know for now. I will write more when I know the date of surgery and try to figure this all out. Frankly I am getting a little nervous. It's my spine. Scary

2009-03-11T22:15:00.002-06:00

So, on my way to go to the dentist today and later back to Huntsman, I got a phone call asking me to do an MRI tonight too.
So, I had my teeth cleaned today for the first time in almost 5 years!!! I know, I've neglected them and to be honest I was scared that he was going to find massive cavities. Well, I didn't have any cavities and he said he wished everyone had as good of teeth as I do! What a relief! My teeth feel so good too!
So, I went up to Huntsman and met with Dr. Hitchcock. She showed me the PET/CT that I did in December and then the CT they did on Monday. It definately has grown, not a ton, but enough to scare me. I couldn't see a separation between the tumor and my spinal cord. They keep asking me if I am having any neurological problems, like numbness or loss of motor skills. I'm totally fine, except for the pain from this thing. She also told me that the reason for the MRI is so that a neurosurgeon she has lined up can look at it and they can decide together if we should do surgery and debulk the tumor and then do radiation, or if we should just do the radiation. They will meet tomorrow morning and then I will hopefully find out tomorrow sometime. It sounds like if we go the surgery route, it would be pretty quick, like within the next week sometime. Everything keeps changing so much that I'm sure this could change too. I will write tomorrow if I find out anything at all. Otherwise you'll have to wait like I will be. Ta Ta for now

Things didn't go as planned

2009-03-10T09:11:00.002-06:00

I went up to Huntsman for treatment planning for the SBRT Radiation treatments. They basically made a full body cast for the bottom half of me from head to toe. It was really cool. Then they stuck a sheet of plastic on me from waist down and then vacummed all the air out. This was to ensure I would hold exactly still. This is a very precise science and they had to have it perfect. The nice thing is that I didn't have to get a new tattoo. They could go off of the tattoo I got from my last round of radiation. (It's a black dot as big a a pin point). They did a CT scan to help plan out the treatment.
When I was at my mom's picking up the kids, I got a call from Dr. Hitchcock. She asked how my back is feeling. I told her the pain has gotten a lot worse. She said she isn't surprised, she also said that the tumor has grown and is now in my spinal column and that we can't do the high dose radiation. It is far too dangerous. So, I will go in on Wed (tomorrow) and do another scan and get ready for regular radiation. We'll do that for 3 weeks and if the tumor has shrunk and out of the spinal column enough, then we can do the high dose radiation and zap that sucker! I will start treatment as early as Thursday if they have an opening, if not I will start Monday.
She also put me on Steroids to help with the swelling, inflammation, and pain. I am not excited about this at all. Last time I was on these I put on 10 pounds in 2 weeks, plus they make me irritable. She didn't say how long I'll be on them, probably at least till the pain starts to go away.
So, here's life throwing me another curve ball I wasn't expecting. I had a feeling that it was going to happen this way though. The pain in my back all of a sudden got so much worse last week.
At least the tumors in my lung are shrinking. Something positive to look at.
Other than that, things are going really well for us. I have most of my energy back now and feeling pretty darn good. The kids are loving that I have more energy to play with them too.

2009-02-24T17:56:00.001-07:00

Here's the link to the video on the Stereotactic Body Radiation Therapy (SBRT).
http://www.abc4.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=D8D008E2-E87A-4326-A78A-BDBF42A54D60&gsa=true

Radiation...Again

2009-02-24T17:39:00.002-07:00

I didn't want to post this until I knew anything for sure. Last week I went in for a follow up appointment with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Hitchcock. When she walked in the room and started talking to me, she expressed a huge concern about the tumor that is in and around my rib on my back. She looked at a scan we did about two months ago and was concerned that this tumor is too close to my spine. Also, she was saying it was about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. I made her back up and clarify because as far as I had thought, it was really small. She was concerned that it has grown in the last couple months and could cause neurological problems among other problems. The only thing I know for sure, is that it is causing pain, which has gotten worse the last couple weeks. The only time it bothers me is when I am laying down to go to sleep. Dr. Hitchcock wanted to do a scan that day and start radiation treatments this week. I expressed my concerns and wanted to talk to Dr. Akerley first and see what he thought and why this hadn't been a concern until she looked at it.
So, yesterday I was on the phone and he consented that it would be wise to do this treatment. It is called SBRT, I can't remember what it stands for again. I will post the video on it again if I can get it. It will be 3-5 treatments, every other day for about a week and a half. It takes two hours per session. My last radiation if you remember was 7 1/2 weeks and 20 minute sessions. That was on my head and neck, which is the worst place to recieve radiation. This would be so much more tolerable. I won't have side effects until treatments are over. This would most likely include redness at the site and possible nausea (depends on how they point the radiation, if it hits my stomach or not), and maybe fatigue. Basically a piece of cake compared to my last radiation treatments. I am all for this if all it does is alleviate the back pain I've been having. I will go in on March 9th for treatment planning and then start approximately a week later. This will not interfere with any future treatments and can only do me some good. I'll tell ya, I was kinda scared when Dr. Hitchcock brought all this to my attention, but I have since calmed down and feel that this is a great option for me.

2009-02-17T10:51:00.002-07:00

Ok, so a friend of mine told me to read this from her friends blog. What a powerful message! It really struck me with what I have been going through.

"The Lord has made no secret of the fact that He intends to try the faith and the patience of His Saints. (See Mosiah 23:21.) We mortals are so quick to forget the Lord: “And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions … they will not remember him.” (Hel. 12:3.)
However, the Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and to comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. (See D&C 50:40; D&C 78:18.) Just as no temptations will come to us from which we cannot escape or which we cannot bear, we will not be given more trials than we can sustain. (See 1 Cor. 10:13.)
Therefore, given the aforementioned grand and overarching reasons to rejoice, can we not “be of good cheer” in spite of stress and circumstance?
President Brigham Young said of a geographical destination, “This is the place.” Of God’s plan of salvation, with its developmental destination, it can be said, “This is the process”!
President Young, who knew something about trial and tribulation but also of man’s high destiny, said that the Lord lets us pass through these experiences that we might become true friends of God. By developing our individual capacities, wisely exercising our agency, and trusting God—including when we feel forsaken and alone—then we can, said President Young, learn to be “righteous in the dark.” (Secretary’s Journal, 28 Jan. 1857.) The gospel glow we see radiating from some—amid dark difficulties—comes from illuminated individuals who are “of good cheer”!
To be cheerful when others are in despair, to keep the faith when others falter, to be true even when we feel forsaken—all of these are deeply desired outcomes during the deliberate, divine tutorials which God gives to us—because He loves us. (See Mosiah 3:19.) These learning experiences must not be misread as divine indifference. Instead, such tutorials are a part of the divine unfolding." (Neal A. Maxwell, “‘Be of Good Cheer’,” Ensign, Nov 1982, 66)

2009-02-11T21:18:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I was in my room and heard Wyatt talking to somebody. I got a little closer without him seeing me and heard him saying, "Santa don't watch me!" and again, "Santa, don't ever never watch me!" As I got closer and looked into the room, he was looking up to the ceiling talking to Santa. Also he was perched on the back of the couch about to jump off! He wanted a minute to be naughty I guess! Too funny!
Everyone keeps asking how I am doing and how I am feeling and when the next treatment is. I am doing really really well! I think my attitude has totally been uplifted since the dinner on Friday! It was just amazing to see all the friends and family supporting me! I will be thinking and looking back on this forever! I'll be honest and say I've lost a bit of sleep thinking about all that transpired that night! It was like a dream and couldn't have been more perfect.
I am still of course having side effects from treatment, but this time seem so much more bearable. I'm sure I've mentioned the book I am reading before (it's taken me like 9 months to read 3/4 of the book). It's called Love, Medicine and Miracles by Bernie S. Siegel, M.D. It's Lessons learned about self-healing from a surgeon's experience with exceptional patients. The day that Dr. Bentz told me he couldn't help me surgically anymore, he gave this to me. It has been the most inspiring book ever! I think it has taken me so long to read it because a little at a time goes a long way. I read a little bit and go off of that amount of help for a couple weeks. I'll tell you, every time I pick up this book, my whole attitude changes about my treatments and my cancer. I reccommend this book to anyone who has cancer or any other disease, or just for anyone who wants a more meaningful experience when it comes to healing your own body! It's a lot about mind over matter.
Anyway, last week while waiting for an appointment with Dr. Akerley, I was reading and read a part about hair falling out and if you meditate and think about your head as ice, it will stop. Well, at that point I was starting to freak out because the past few days my hair was falling out by the hundreds (big clumps)! So, immediately I wanted to try it out. Needless to say, I have lost no more than 10-20 hairs a day since that day, although I have been envisioning my head being concrete and not letting any more hair fall out! I can't believe it worked! I am now a believer.
I stopped complaining and even apologized to Justin for voicing my complaints about my hair. What a difference in my attitude.
At that same appointment with Dr. Akerley, he told me that I have finished two rounds of treatment and that I was done doing treatment! I was a little shocked because when I talked with Joan (my NP in charge of the IL-II) she had told me that 3 rounds was the maximum. I totally expected to do the maximum. Dr. Akerley set up an appointment to do a PET/CT on April 8 and then we would go from there. He also said that he is about 100% sure I will not be doing further treatment (meaning my scan would come back clear!) I guess I now have major reason to hope and believe him! I asked if there is some residual cancer left if I can do another round of treatment. He said we will talk about it when we get the results. Till then I guess. Hopefully I will have some fun pictures to post soon of the kids and some from dinner the other night. There are pics on the benefit site I posted in my "wow" post.

Words cannot express...

2009-02-08T10:57:00.001-07:00

This post is from Justin, tis is the first time I have posted on here but I thought it appropriate to start with this:

I know that Michelle has offered her perspective of what happened to us on the evening of February 6th but I could not go on without at least trying to put into words the story of what took place and how grateful we are for all the people that we know and love that were there to support us.

Greg and Stephanie Baker are two of the greatest and most charitable people that the Lord has ever put on this earth. Last year, initially after word from Michelle’s Doctor became increasingly bleak about her prognosis, Greg and Steph took us up to a nice hotel in Park City with them for a nice night out. This year, they invited us up to Snowbird for a night. We were excited for the possibility of a quiet night amongst adults so this was a treat in and of itself. Greg told me that the room was through his work so it was no big deal. I gave very little thought to it up until the night started to unravel.

Greg told us to dress somewhat nice as he had set up reservations at a nice restaurant at the mouth of the canyon. He and Steph were to pick us up at roughly 5:30. At around 5:45 there was a knock at the door. It wasn’t Greg or Steph, it actually was a limo driver and in the driveway was a beautiful, white stretch limo. The driver told us that he was there to pick us up and take us to Snowbird. The Baker’s and a couple of other families in our ward have pulled stuff like this before so as grateful as we were, we weren’t incredibly surprised by the limo. The evening continued and we began our trip in the limo. Shortly after leaving the driver told us that we would be picking up the rest of our party at La Caille (THE restaurant to eat in all of Utah). Michelle and I began to think that maybe something was up and became excited at the prospect at eating at La Caille. I’ve never been there with the exception of attending a wedding reception there several years ago.

With some careful driving and an eventual 14 point turn into the tight driveway of La Caille, we were taken up to the Green Room portion of the restaurant. When the limo came to a stop, not only did Greg emerge from the front door, but Jim Moore (one of the “big three” in our ward that would do anything for anybody in need at anytime for any reason) joined alongside him. Michelle and I could do nothing but look at each other and try to figure out what was going on. We got out of the limo and found that this was turning out to be more than just a small gathering of friends. Cody Pilcher apparently followed us with a video camera all the way from our house and Justin Brady was there to get our reaction as we walked out of the limo.

As we were trying get over the shock of what had already taken place, the real surprise was still waiting for us. We walked up the stairs to the reception area and were greeted by Stephanie, Michelle Moore, and Michelle’s parents to name a few. The shock of what was taking place was beginning to take hold of both of us and tears were seriously starting to flow. Michelle’s mom pinned on a corsage to Michelle we made our way into the Green Room where over 90 of our closest friends and family were gathered to honor Michelle.

Much of the night is a blur as it took sometime for much of the shock to wear off. It was simply amazing to see so many people that have in some way been affected by Michelle and her courageous battle with this horrible disease. There was a silent auction with many items that had been donated from places such as the University of Utah and BYU athletic departments, and many other local businesses and individuals. I would love to mention and thank many people that donated individually but I know I would forget someone and I do not want to take credit away from all that deserve it. Greg pretty much conducted the auction and recognized all those that played such a large part in putting everything together. To conclude the evening, before Michelle and I were asked to say a few words, we were presented with a gift basket of many other gift cards and other items that had been contributed by many others but than the surprise of the night, Greg presented us with a certificate notifying us that at the time over $8500 had been raised to help us with medical bills and anything else that we stand in need of. Needless to say I was at a loss for words and Michelle was much the same. We both did our best to get through what we could to say thank you to all those that were in attendance and that played such a huge part in putting everything together. This was the first time in many years that Michelle has spoken publicly as she has had confidence issues to the paralysis she suffered on the left side of her face due to the many surgeries she has gone through. I was so proud of her courage in doing so.

As the party came to a close, we were told to go to the Grand America Hotel, the only 5 star hotel in Utah. Our room was an executive suite with an incredible view of the valley. We had many hours to enjoy the room as neither of us could settle down enough to go sleep. Beyond our wedding night, this was by far the most memorable experience that either of us have been a part of. It would not be possible for me to put into words how grateful we are for all that were in attendance to make this night so spectacular.

The event was planned over several months with help of family, friends, ward members, my current and past employers and many people behind the scenes that we have never met. La Caille graciously donated the space for the party and offered each guest a $50 gift certificate for a return trip to the restaurant. The committee that put this whole operation together established a foundation in the name of Desmoplastic Melanoma, the disease that Michelle is suffering from. Dr. Bentz, Michelle’s primary physician and Joyce Pell, from Huntsman Cancer institute were an integral part of getting all the information needed to establish the charity. We could not be more grateful for all that the team at Huntsman has done to care for Michelle and make sure she is comfortable and has everything she needs to fight and recover from this disease.

We have stewed over how to show our gratitude to all those responsible for putting such an event together. I know many names have been mentioned in this blog but many people who have not been named our in our hearts and we could not be more grateful for your friendship. A special thanks to the ownership and staff of La Caille for helping make the event possible and our sincerest thanks to those friends of ours (you know who you are) that spent countless hours and sleepless nights in putting all this together. You will be in our hearts forever and we will never forget what you did for us.

We truly hope to maximize the potential and opportunities of the foundation in the future to help those individuals and families that have been affected by this or any similar disease. It is a goal of ours to be able to find a local family in a similar situation as ours that we can help in either lifting their spirits or lightening their financial burden. Please be mindful of those around you in need and pass on the spirit of charity when possible. You never know how much you can impact someone with just a little effort.

Wow!

2009-02-08T09:48:00.006-07:00

I'm not sure where to even start. I guess I should tell my side of what happened Friday night and then I will go into my emotions.
We were asked by Greg and Stephanie if we would go to Snowbird (ski resort) with them for dinner and to spend the night up there. Of course as they are really good friends, we agreed. They told us they would pick us up at 5:30. Instead of them showing up, a limo driver picked us up. We immediatedely started trying to call them and figure out what was going on. We didn't get a response other than a text from Greg who didn't say anything about what was going on. The driver told us we were going to La Caille (the nicest restaurant in Utah!) to pick them up and then go to Snowbird. We were wondering why we would be picking them up and not eating there. I thought maybe they were getting food to go and we'd eat in the limo or something. I was clueless. So, we pulled into La Caille and went to the Green room to pick them up. He stopped the limo and got out and then opened our door. We started seeing some familiar faces and I immediately saw two cameras in front and one to the side. Justin voiced for me and said, "What is going on?" We looked completely dumbfounded. They took us up the stairs and into the first little sign in room. I saw Stephanie and Michelle sitting behind a table and I saw my parents and then I started really looking at stuff and saw my name everywhere! I started reading the paper on the table and it said benefit and silent auction for Michelle Bancroft. I looked at Justin as it dawned on me and started crying! I lost it! I think everyone in that little room lost it! My mom pinned some flowers on me and my dad warned me that everyone was waiting for me in the next room! I said "That's a lot of pressure!"
We walked in together and all I saw was lights from all the camera flashes! I felt like a movie star for a minute! I started crying again and got very emotional. I didn't quite know what to do other than start hugging everyone. I saw my brother and sister and spouses first and went to them. Then Justin's brothers and hugged them. And I just kept hugging for probably a good while. I had no concept of time at this point. I was so shocked! I could not believe how many people were there for me! I was trying to figure out how they got a hold of so many people from so many different parts of our lives! It was amazing to say the least! They even got a hold of my favorite nurse in the Head and Neck Oncology and she came! My doctor had committed to coming too, but wasn't able to make it last minute. What doctor and nurse would ever do something like this for a patient? They both even helped get this whole thing going and were a part of this all along. Wow!
I had such an outstanding time being with all of my family, friends, and neighbors! It truly opened my eyes as to how many people really care about me. I know there was a lot that couldn't make it that wanted to and there are those that didn't even find out about this.
I am truly still in shock over this whole thing. There are so many wonder ful people who donated items to be auctioned off and those who supported and bought the items. I didn't dare take a look at any of the stuff up for auction. I didn't want to know who was bidding for what and for how much, but found out later that they only wrote down a number not a name.
In this economic hard time, I can't believe how much money was raised in my behalf! As of next week, my medical bills are paid off!!!!!!! What a stress off our backs. Every single day we get a bill or a statement in the mail from the hospital or different departments. I am crying now thinking about how good it feels to know that those bills are paid for!
What an amazing night! Towards the end, Greg had asked if we both wanted to say something. We both agreed. Justin did a terrific job and was so sweet! I started talking and all I did was blubber and cry. It showed how emotional I was and how touched was by everything everyone had done for us! This was the first time since my big surgery that I have spoken in front of anyone, let alone a crowd close to 100! I didn't feel obligated to do it though, I felt so grateful that everyone was there for me. How lucky can a girl get?
They even sent us to the Grand America in the Executive Suite for the night! The room was huge and beautiful! It cost $3 for a snickers bar! I'll tell ya, we tried to sleep, but I was so full of excitement from the night that everytime I closed my eyes, I couldn't turn my mind off. I still can't believe how many people knew about this and we didn't even have a single clue hinting toward this!
Some of the stories are now starting to get to this about how this all came about. They blame Justin for getting their minds going about trying to raise funds for me. Justin had thought about making and selling t-shirts for the BYU/Utah football game to get some money to help with medical bills. It ended up being a risk we couldn't take financially to get the t-shirts made in the first place and not being sure if they'd sell.
This has been in the works for the last 4-6 months! There has been so many people involved and committees made and nights of sleep lost and so much time put toward this. It is hard to know how to say thank you. They all claim that the Lord had his hand in this as they had so many roadblocks and then the way would be paved.
They put together a foundation in my name and a website where people can sign a guestbook and donate. The website is
http://www.bancroftbenefit.myevent.com/

This has just been so overwhelmingly amazing! I am just so grateful!

It keeps pouring

2009-02-02T12:22:00.002-07:00

So I thought I would try and have a normal week of recovering. Everyone was starting to feel better, so why not one more thing, right? This weekend starting on Friday I had my central line removed (I can't tell you how good that feels). Everything went well, and I was even talked out of getting the sedation this time. The lady that removed knew what she was doing. The only part that hurt was the first shot of lidocaine. It was a lot of twisting and pulling which was uncomfortable, but I would do this anyday over getting sedated.
Saturday morning I woke up and had a fever of 102. On my last central line, I got an infection, so I wasn't gonna play around. I immediately called up to Huntsman and they told me to go to Instacare and have the site looked at for signs of infection. It looked really clean, so we figured it was just a virus. I wish now we would have done blood tests, it would have showed the truth. So, I came home and my fever spiked to 104. I thought that was high for an adult to get. I tried to sleep that night, but kept waking up drenched in sweat and having shaking chills. I knew something was wrong when the thermometer read 105.4!!!! I think I was out of it. I took some tylenol and went back to bed. I was really lethargic at this point.
I called back up to Huntsman Sunday morning and got the doctor on call. She prescribed a very generic antibiotic. I started taking that around 11. Of course it was Superbowl Sunday. I have been sick the last two years and got thrown up on the year before that. We've always been invited to the same house, and I think they think I'm avoiding them. I better not be sick next year! So, I sent the family away to the party thinking I could rest while they were gone. while home, the site where the line was removed started oozing. I knew it! I was just waiting for that to happen. Shaking chills are a sign of infection. I called back up to Huntsman and was told I might have to be hospitalized for IV antibiotics. Not again! She told me she needed to call me back so she could run it by another doctor. She called back with the best news, I could take an oral antibiotic. Yay! It is most likely a staff infection, which is generally the kind of infection IL-II patients get. I told her that's exactly what I had last time. So, I think we figured it out. After sweating it out a couple more times last night I am down to 99 this morning, so I think it's working. I am still very weak and tired, but glad to not have to sit by the fire to stop shaking from the chills.
We are ready for better times ahead, I'll tell you. These last couple weeks are going down in the books for sure!

Migraines

2009-01-26T09:09:00.002-07:00

On Saturday I thought I was doing really well. I hadn't gotten the major migraine yet and thought I wouldn't. We changed some of my medications in hopes that I wouldn't, but it came anyway. All night Saturday, which I was up most of the night, I had the migraine through Sunday unil this morning. This morning I am doing ok, but that doesn't mean it won't come later today. I have lost all but 7 pounds of the water weight! Wahoo! It still surprises me every time how fast it comes off.
Colton is feeling better, and now Brooklyn is definately sick. She was up in the night Saturday night/Sunday morning with a fever of 104. I made her stay out on the couch until it came down to 100. This morning it her fever is still 103 and she'll be going to the doctor this afternoon.
Justin is back to work today but still not 100% yet. He's slowly getting there. He overdid it Friday and Saturday last week.
Overall we are doing ok. We are so grateful for the help and the meals that are being brought in.
We can't wait till we are on the upside of things and are able to help other families. I'll tell ya, we sure have a lot more compassion for families who are going through things like we are!

Most Insane week ever

2009-01-23T10:52:00.011-07:00

This week hasn't been as bad as I had anticipated overall. It was still very rough for everyone else. Justin came out of the hospital yesterday morning, but still having his headaches. As far as I remember hearing he came home and made a bunch of phone calls and then crashed the rest of the night. I talked to him this morning and he was on his way way to work and was hoping to make it through the day. Oh and after running all of his tests, they decided it was viral menengitis.

Colton now has an ear infection. Adele took him to the same doctor Justin went to, most likely because he knows what's going in our family. She said even the nurse remembers all of us. So, luckily no menengitis for the rest of us, which is what Justin has for sure now. We are hearing from different doctors, the one for Justin, and my doctors up here, that it was and that it wasn't contagious. I guess we'll find out in time. So, Colton isn't contagious (the cold might be). They put him on antibiotics and he should be feeling better in no time, let's hope.

As far as for me. I am having an ok week.Two hours after my first dose and the rest of the doses I start to get shaking chills and body aches. About 4 hours after my IL-II I run a fever of 39.4 celsius which is close to 103 farenheit. It generally breaks sometime in the night and I wake up drenched in sweat. Lucky for meI've been able to take a couple showers. I woke up one morning and my hair was even curly ( started out straight). I am pretty swollen in my hands and feet. Everywhere else too, but mostly hands and feet. I've put on a total of 17 or 18 pounds and did a total of 4 doses this week. It was a shorter week because they were closed on Monday.

I was able to celebrate my birthday in the hospital this week. Not a whole lot of fun in a hospital bed, but it was good. I had lots of wonderful visitors including my kids. It was so fun seeing them! The staff planned for a couple days to surprise me with all of them singing to me and giving me a slice of chocolate cake! It was so sweet! They even got the ENT residents to come in (which doesn't ever really happen) because they knew me! I felt special!

I want to give a shout out to Devon! She has been such a major support in all of this! (besides my mom and Justin's mom). We've all been getting kind of burned out on the whole hospital thing and figuring out who's helping with kids and everything. She has been such a life saver for me! Whenever I slack, she gets it done for me and I don't even have to ask! It's been the best thing to move her in with us (she's Justin's 21 yr old cousin for those that don't know her). We worried a little about how it would be having her there, but there have been so many instances we couldn't have made it without her. Especially with Justin and me in the hospital and now a sick baby and it sounds like Brooklyn is now sick too.

What a week!!!

Poor Justin

2009-01-19T22:06:00.003-07:00

Justin has had a major headache for the last twelve days. It all started with fluid in his ear. He went to the doctor for that and they just watched it. Within four to five days, it wasn't getting better and his head started hurting, so his doctor called in an antibiotic. Within a couple days, he just wasn't getting better, so he went in to the doctor again. It was a different doctor in the same clinic and he just gave Justin some migraine meds. By this weekend, he wasnt' doing a whole lot better. He was doing a bit better during the day, and then the horrendous headache at night. These headaches are probably enough to floor anybody. He's never had a migraine before, but now for about 10 days straight.
So, this morning, enough was enought and he started to have a stiff neck. I took him to the Emergency Room and they did some tests. They took blood, did a CT scan, and a spinal tap. His CT came back clear and the spinal tap came back viral. It looks like he has viral menangitis. They still want to do an MRI, but the machine is down, and the doctor wants to run another test to rule out encephilitis, which is a worse virus with fluid on the spine and messes with your mind. Viral menangitis is not the scary one, but they are watching him closely. They admitted him into the hospital for 24 to 48 hours.
Yes, that means Justin and I will both be in the hospital. I am being admitted tomorrow afternoon. When it rains on the Bancrofts, it pours! What's up with that? Do we not have enough going on with just me, we have to involve Justin into the medical world now too? Can I say it was really weird being on this side of things today? We were at the hospital since 11 this morning trying to figure out what's going on with him. If I've learned nothing else it's to be proactive with mine and Justin's health (and anyone I know). We walked in basically demanding tests to be done on him. I'm just glad they took us seriously, cuz we were right! I hated seeing him like that. They gave him Versaid, a conscious sedation, for the spinal tap so he didn't have to feel it. They say it's a lot like an epidural. They draw fluid out of the spine to test it.
Hopefully I'll know more in the morning about Justin and what's going on with him. We still aren't sure if he's contagious or not, so probably no visiting for him.
Anyways, I guess double the prayers for our family this week. Hopefully we can figure out Justin and get him better. My treatments aren't a prison sentence, meaning I can come home at any time this week if I need to be here for Justin. Trust me when I say it was not an easy decision to go back into the hospital for treatment (not that I really had a choice), but I might have an infection in my line, and everyone is pushing for me to go back in. I talked to my nurse practitioner today and she's never had anyone not come back in for the 2nd week back in the hospital. She had the thought that if I wasn't cured, would I always wonder about not having gone back in when I was supposed to, would I have been? Who will ever know. Let's just hope this continues to work.
We've got plenty of help and we will be ok this week. Just remember us when you say your family prayers for us. Thanks for all the support and love from our family and friends!

It's the Weekend

2009-01-16T19:21:00.002-07:00

It's been pretty boring around here. I've been home the entire week. I've gone to take Brooklyn to and from school the last couple days is all. I've had help all week with my mom during the day.
For me to function this week, I've basically required a nap at some point in the day. It is nice to feel somewhat normal again. It is hard knowing I will be subjecting myself to yet another week in the hospital. This next week I won't be going in until Tuesday because Monday is Human Rights Day. I am only expecting to do 4 total doses of the IL-II. One each day and should come home on Saturday. Let's hope all goes well next week. This weekend will be full of prepping for next week. That's really all that's happened around here. My headaches are gone, and I am sleeping much better.

Home Sweet Home

2009-01-11T19:34:00.001-07:00

Friday night after everyone left and I was supposed to go to sleep, I couldn't. I asked for the same medications they had been giving me every night to help me sleep, but for some reason my nurse that night told me they don't give those meds to IL-II patients! Are you kidding me? I've had them every night all week. So an hour and a half later I convinced her to give me 2 out of the 3 meds and by this time I am getting a horrendous headache. I am convinced I didn't sleep because that 3rd med was left out! I was so mad at her! I know she was just doing her job, but there are only 5 rooms and more than just her in the Special Care Unit. Oh well, it's over now. I tossed and turned the entire night. I maybe slept a couple hours. The funny part of that night (looking back now) is that I had a lot of hallucination type dreams. They had warned me that I might hallucinate and see spiders on the walls and stuff like that. So in between trying to sleep I thought Brooklyn and Wyatt were there having a sleepover, I thought my cat was there jumping up on the table beside me at least three times, and I kept hearing people and thought I saw people coming in and out of my room. Take it as you may.
I stayed an extra day this time because my last treatment weeks, the day I got home was the worst days. The first time home I went to the E.R. with the worst pain I've ever had in my head, and the second time I came home I threw up 7 times in about 20 minutes and could hardly get it under control, even with a home health nurse there.
So, this time I stayed through till Saturday, and sure enough the migraine came (worse than any normal migraine I've ever had, even Lortab didn't touch it). I stayed until we got it under control. About a half hour before I left they gave me a dose of Lasix (makes me get rid of all the water weight). I double checked and asked if they were sure my doc wanted me to have it right then. They said I couldn't leave without it, doctors orders. I told them I had an hour drive home, and I honestly think they felt bad after injecting it! My doc had left when I had the migraine still and didn't think I'd be leaving for a while. This stuff makes you have to go to the bathroom constantly and A LOT! Let's just say poor Dad (he drove me home). I didn't even make it five miles. Luckily we only stopped one more time, but barely made it home. The reason for the Lasix is to get all the water weight off from the capillary leak. I gained 20 pounds. This stuff makes me shed it in about 5 days. It's crazy and so hard on my body.
So, I got home and had a pretty uneventful Saturday. I felt so bad for Justin though. He started getting an ear infection on Wednesday and by today it's a full blown sinus and head infection. He had to call the doctor this morning and get on a stronger antibiotic. Who knew I would be feeling better than he did. I am so glad to say I had a much better recovery this time than the last two times. The migraine is still here, but managed by Imitrex.
Last night (Sat night) I went to bed extremely exhausted having only gotten a couple hours of sleep maybe. As soon as my head hit the pillow, my brain totally woke up. I didn't sleep one minute last night. I forgot how bad the insomnia was with this treatment. I got up around 2 or 3 and had Justin give me a dose through IV of phenergine (nausea meds). I have never not fallen asleep with the stuff almost immediately. I didn't. I was so frustrated. I got up and had a banana with a little sugar and milk on it, read a magazine and watched tv, but for the most part I tossed and turned in bed "trying" to sleep. Poor Justin, it kept him up a lot too.
This morning was really nice. I was up at 7 with Colton. I missed my kids sooooo much. I got two full hours just me and him. He's such a sweet loving baby. He's growing up way too fast! I did really well today. I tried to relax this afternoon and maybe slep an hour of the 1 1/2 hours I was down. It was a nice relaxing Sunday with my family. Here's to a good week home before I go back in again.

Strange Feeling Days

2009-01-09T09:44:00.001-07:00

I'll try to remeber what's been happening this week. I've had a few visitors. My dad and aunt Jeanne and Adele. My parents brought the kids in last night, which was fun. Also, after they left, when Justin was done with work, he stopped in .I twas so good to see my family. I cried when they left.
I Just had my eight dose of IL-II this morning. We seem to be getting a routine down. Two hours after the dose, I start getting chills, body aches, and nausea. Basically flu, but worse. We've got a system now, when the two hour mark hits, they give me the meds that should control all the symptoms. It makes me fall asleep, but better than the side effects.
I should be coming home late tonight or tomorrow morning

First Dose Down

2009-01-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

I just got my first dose of the IL-II and I am already starting to feel a little out of it. Crazy how fast this stuff starts working.
I came in early this morning to have my line put in and this time I had the conscious sedation. I have been sleeping the majority of the day since.
I finally woke up long enough to eat around 5 tonight, the first time today. I am sitting up here alone because of the storm outside, but that's ok because I have a feeling I'll be sleeping here pretty soon, plus I have The Bachelor to watch. Shh, don't tell anyone! Love that show!
I'll hopefully write more tomorrow.

2009-01-04T01:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was in the car with the family and I usually quiz the kids on our address and phone numbers and things like that. I asked Brooklyn when her birthday is, which she's known since she was 2, but I wanted to know if she knew what year. I asked her "what year is your birthday?" and she said "every year!" Kind of like duh mom, didn't you know our birthdays come every year! Too funny!

2008-12-31T16:10:00.000-07:00

Justin and his best friend there!

I was like a kid!

They were so excited they were the only kids and had Santa to themselves!

Colton kept trying to pull on his beard!

Devon's first time building a snowman!

My little snow Angels!

Justin turned 30 and you can see how happy he is about it!

Snow Princess!
We got a foot of snow in one day!

Going to be a Great Year!

2008-12-31T15:27:00.000-07:00

I can feel it already! I probably should catch up on all that has happened, but today's news is too important to me, so I must share! Today I got results from my PET scan, this is the big one to see if the IL-II treatment worked or not and if I'll be doing it again. The results came back GREAT! Not perfect, but great! Most of my tumors have shrunk! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so elated, it's hard to explain! So. there are a couple stipulations to my happiness, first there's still a couple tumors in my lungs that actually got a little bigger (they are still no bigger than a pencil eraser), but Dr. Akereley dismissed them as probably swollen from previous treatment. He also dismissed them because all the others were shrinking and the areas didn't absorb as much glucose as they did on the last scan (the glucose goes where cancer cells are). This is still really good news. My second stipulation is that I will be going back into the hospital on Monday for five days and out a week and back in a week. Just like last time. Round two here we go. I know it will be hard again, but I will have a much better attitude this time knowing it's now experimental and that it's actually working! I couldn't be happier. The chances of this treatment working are pretty slim, so I say thanks for all the prayers and fasting in my behalf because it worked! We picked the right treatment and I am so glad I didn't start with the clinical trial. Also, our nurse up there, LeAnn said she went to a Melanoma Conference in Florida before Thanksgiving and they are going to be setting up places that have it similar to Huntsman where they work in teams and just for Melanoma. They are saying that IL-II is the most effective treatment for melanoma and that they will be using it more now. Dr. Akereley is still learning about IL-II, mostly from watching me and will be observing a lot this next round. I think he wants to be more involved in it in the future with more patients, especially after seeing good results today!
The only other bad/good part is that I'll be spending my birthday in the hospital (the 22nd), bad cuz I'll be in the hospital and also good because I am in the hospital and the treatment is doing good things for me!
As a side note, we had an awesome Christmas and the kids were spoiled, mostly by grandparents. I will post pics maybe later when I have time. We also had Santa stop by on the 22nd to give the kids presents to tide them over till Christmas! They thought that was the neatest thing ever! Santa even made Justin and I sit on his lap! I was afraid I was going to hurt him and then Justin didn't care and totally sat on him. I'll get those up.
I also had surgery on my eye the Friday before Christmas. Nothing major and I was feeling better pretty quickly.
We also celebrated Justin's birthday right before Christmas. Lots of busy times!

Lots of Crazy Days

2008-12-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

This week has been pretty nuts and very full days. On Monday (last week) I went into my doc up at Huntsman to see about getting a stitch in my eyelid taken out. It's on the inside holding the weight in my eyelid in place. The weight helps me close my eye because the nerve is not there anymore. So, I got there and my doc decided we'd have to remove it surgically and not in office as I had hoped. He told me he could get me in on Friday. So, on Friday(the 19th) we got up to Huntsman at 6:30 a.m. with my surgery at 9:15. Around 9:30 we started asking what was taking so long. They told us there was a scheduling problem. Some new lady had scheduled a 5 hour surgery for only 1 1/2 hours. So, we had to wait about 4 more hours. Dr. Bentz came in and vented his own frustrations with the situation, but was nice about it too. We told him it wasn't his fault. Justin of course was getting frustrated waiting too. They finally came and got me around 1:15 and I was under for 45 minutes. Justin told me that Dr. Bentz didn't find a stitch as we thought, but the weight was sitting crooked, so he made a new pocket for it and put it back in. I woke up in more pain than I had anticipated. They also gave me Phenergen for nausea which knocks me out for a good hour every time. They did it twice. We finally left around 5 and it was snowing hard. We would normally have a one hour commute, but it took 2 hours! I was sleeping most of the way home, but was afraid I was going to throw up in the car, yuck. Luckily I didn't. I came home and went straight to bed and slept till Saturday morning.
For Christmas, Justin's mom got us tickets to Body World. We went Saturday morning. It was amazing seeing our bodies like that! I'm still thinking about it today. It made me realize how fragile our bodies really are and how all the things we put into our bodies really affects them. The smokers lungs for example were crazy. Most of the models had smokers lungs if you looked carefully too. I still am a little disturbed by the whole experience, but it was a good one. I got to see what they took out of my cheek and all the muscles and tendons and parotid gland that they took out. That part was crazy!
Saturday night I threw a party for Justin's 30th birthday with a few neighbors and a few friends. We had a big turkey dinner. If it wasn't for Devon, I would have had to cancel. She saved me! I came home from Body World and crashed, I slept most of the way home too. I still had anesthesia in my system.
Sunday we had Justin's family out for dinner to celebrate Justin's and his brother Brad's birthdays. We had a blast and Justin actually lost at Trivial Pursuit! He's such a gamer for trivia games. I for one am very bad at them! I'd rather play cards any day!
As we are getting ready for Christmas around here, and all the snow falling this morning, we are reminded of our Savior's birth. I am trying to teach my children about the giving of gifts and not the receiving. I think it was Friday night we got doorbell ditched and someone left us some money in an envelope and it said it was from the Lord. Wow, someone really will be blessed for thinking of us this Holiday season! The bishopric and Relief Society Presidency and a couple people I didn't recognize came caroling to our house last night. It brought me to tears, that they would go out in the freezing cold to sing about Christmas to us! The spirit was really strong and gave me goosebumps! What a sweet ward we live in with members who put others above themselves!

Getting ready for Christmas

2008-12-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

It's already feeling a little hectic around here trying to get all the shopping and things done for Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I love this time of year, it's just a little stressful. I haven't posted anything for a while because it is just my normal daily routine for the most part around here.
We get to find out today if our Utes go to New Orleans or Phoenix for a bowl game. We are hoping for Phoenix because it is a slight possibility we could go. Slight.
We went to a work Christmas party for Justin's work last night and then decided to skip out on the game part with another couple and went to see Four Christmases. Funny movie!
Luckily for us, the interest rate has gone down on the housing industry and Justin has gotten a few calls on loans. This will help us pay off some of our medical bills and ease things a little bit. We were starting to get really worried we'd have to sell the house (if it would even sell). Why does one trial always follow another? It seems to never be just one thing for us. If you've known us very long, you know we've been through one thing after another that keep getting harder and harder to get through. I think back though and if we hadn't gone through any of our other trials, I don't think we'd be strong enough to get through this one.
Another hard part for me is that I can't really get out much, socially. I am not supposed to be around big groups which makes me feel a little closed in, but I love being home with the kids so much, I guess it's a trade off.
For the most part we are doing pretty well. Just getting by and awaiting New Years Eve for my results.

Follow up Appointment

2008-11-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

I went up to Huntsman for a follow up appointment today. I knew beforehand that I would have labs drawn (blood) before my appointment. What I didn't know was they had scheduled me for an x ray of my lungs. As soon as they said that I started getting scared. That meant I would find out either good or bad news today and not "just" a follow up as I had thought. That meant that if any of my tumors had grown or shrunk they could most likely see that. After my labs and x ray I met with one of the residents and of course he had endless questions for me. I was asked mostly about what symptoms I am still having. I then met with Dr. Akereley. He said everything looks good in my blood, and then my x ray- all the fluid is out of my lungs, which is what they were looking for. If you remember, I was sent home from the hospital with it in there, and they wanted to make sure it was gone. He said all the stuff that the IL-II had induced upon me was gone and I looked good. He said that he wouldn't comment on my cancer until after my scan in December. I asked if there was any noticeable changes in my lungs and he said no not at all. In fact he said he thought I would have a really good outcome from the IL-II. Let's hope! He also said that he would report his findings with me to Dr. Bentz(my surgeon). He said Dr. Bentz likes to keep an ear out and keep tabs on how I am doing. It's nice to know that he cares about me! They are all so good up there. I also ran into Dr. Bentz nurse Joyce! She said she's been thinking about me the last couple weeks and was going to email me and then there I was! It's like family up there. They take care of me and everyone remembers my name even!

I am having a small Thanksgiving at my house tomorrow. I just finished making a couple pumpkin pies and will be making two more kinds shortly. My oven will be taken over tomorrow. I am so excited to spend the day with my family. That's what it's all about. I have always loved the holidays and family time!

2008-11-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

I talked to my nurse a couple days ago and she confirmed my suspicions. I've been having so many symptoms, mostly tired and a cold just hanging around forever, and she said the treatment continues up to 2 months out of the hospital. Duh! She probably told me this, but my mind was so weird that I probably didn't remember it. She also said that my immune system is really low right now and to continue being careful of sickness. She said stay away from big groups of people, especially church. Dang it! I've been wanting to go back.

On another note, I am all ready for Thanksgiving! I finished my shopping today. I split my shopping into two so I could get two turkeys. I had to spend $25 and get a cheap turkey. Sweet! I am excited to relax this next weekend. This weekend on the other hand there will be no relaxing! It is time for the Rivalry! The Utah vs. BYU football game. I am so excited I can't stand it! If you know me well, you know who I root for, If you don't, I wear lots and lots of red! I know it doesn't make sense with a brother and sister that both graduated from the Y, but maybe that's part of it. I'm the black sheep of the family, right? At least I was as a teenager! I've tamed a bit.
Anyways, I am well and enjoying the kids and this holiday season! I can't wait to put up my Christmas tree next Friday. No black Friday shopping for me, at least not in the morning. I'll be too busy decorating and listening to Christmas music. Yay!

Kids Pictures

2008-11-18T18:01:00.001-07:00

2008-11-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Probably a good thing. I am doing pretty well. I got sick with a cold this weekend, which makes me wonder why I go out in public at all. I guess it could have been Brooklyn bringing it home, too. Who knows. All I know is when I get a cold, it hits me extra hard. All my glands are already swollen, so they get super sensitive. Yuck. I am feeling much better today though. I have a busy weekend coming up. We are celebrating Brooklyn's 7th birthday and she has invited 16 girls over. It's gonna get crazy here!
I am feeling pretty good most of the time. It hits me mostly at night. I feel tired and my neck aches. I am still making it through my days. I don't have all the energy I am used to yet, but I am trying to be patient. I've been wanting to go through some cluttered areas in my house, but again, either the drive isn't there, or my energy is still low. Not sure. I do have an unexplained weight loss, which makes me a little nervous. I feel like I am constantly eating and constantly hungry. We aren't sure if this is a bad sign or not. Have you ever noticed that a lot of cancer patients are super skinny? I'm not there yet, but still losing. We wonder if it is the treatment still working in my body or if that has worked its way through my system yet. I guess I have some questions to ask. Also this weekend I got scared because the tumor on my rib started hurting really bad. To the point where it hurt to breathe. Now I think it was related to my cold for some reason. It only hurt when I was sickest. Now that I am feeling better, it's not hurting more than it used to. My body is weird.
I am so grateful for all the help these past weeks! For all the meals and service in my behalf. Everyone is so genuine and caring!
Oh, last week I met with a lady from the burn unit up at UofU Hospital. She was so sweet. One of my nurses from my last hospital stay set it up. I had told him that there is no support group for me up at Huntsman, and he mentioned this lady. We have two totally different situations, but it seemed to work. We both have struggled and are struggling through some similar situations, fear of going out in public, and dealing with kids through hospital stays and all their emotions. She made me feel good about myself and helped me know that I am a strong woman! I usually have good days, self esteem wise, but there are also days I don't want to go out of the house. On my good days, I don't notice anyone looking at me weird (mostly kids look), but on bad days, I think everyone is looking. My head gets kinda messed up sometimes. I know it is Satan trying to pull me down and make me feel bad about myself, and you know what, sometimes it works, but I pull myself right back on top again.
This whole thing has been such a struggle for me and my family, but I know that we are so much closer for it. We have reminders all the time of everything we have been through. They aired a documentary on PBS last night about Justin's Marine group that went to Iraq and how hard it is for them to adjust back to life in the states after. It focused on four guys that Justin knew very well. It was hard to watch because we know that they are all struggling. We did extensive interviews years ago for this documentary, but the director decided to go a different way. We were in the film for a short second (Justin, Brooklyn and I were at the park swinging Brooklyn) and pics of Justin in group shots. It was neat to see, but also sad.
Any ways, I've dragged on long enough. I'm sure I'll post pics of Brooklyn's party and celebrations after this weekend!

Central line came out

2008-11-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to get my Hickman central line out (the thing that all my meds went into). I decided I have been through enough and went for the sedation they offered. It was painful enough going in without sedation, I didn't even want to know what it felt like coming out after 5 weeks of being there. I waited an hour and a half (they were running behind) and they finally were ready for me. It took them four tries to get my IV going for the sedation. I wasn't sure what was worse at that point, another try at the IV or forgoing the sedation. They finally got it and I was given meds. I had the same doctor that put the line in taking it out. He recognized me because not many get it put in without sedation. He asked me how bad it really was. I told him the worst part was the lidocaine shots. Also the tugging and pulling and shoving at my chest was unpleasant! I am very very sore today where the line was which makes me glad for the sedation. They had to go under the skin and loosen it up to get it out. Ouch.
I am excited to watch the Utah vs. TCU game tonight. I am a bit nervous for the outcome. If Utah is gonna lose a game, this will be the one. I hope not. The Utes have been so good all season and are a really good team. Let's hope for the best!

Halloween

2008-10-31T22:04:00.001-06:00

This picture turned out kinda freaky. We kept playing with the flash to try and get it just right. He had fun scaring all the teenagers and parents out there. We had a family look at our porch and walked right on by (they had small kids). I ran and gave them some candy cuz I felt bad. Justin had a lady who saw him and ran home and get her kids to show them. He created a lot ofbuzz. He had a lot of fun and lives for Halloween!

Devon, Justin's cousin who is living with us, and the kids.

Brooklyn, the beautiful tulip fairy! She looked so pretty! She loved having makeup on too.

Justin did his pumpkin same as last year, but was a big hit. It's the one throwing up. Last year when we took a picture like this two days before Halloween, I went into labor with Colton a couple hours later!

You can't really see my costume, I was a renaissance lady. First time I've dressed up in years. I had a lot of fun.

I helped in Brooklyn's classromm for their Halloween party. I was in charge of the treat. I had them frost cookies and put candy and sprinkles on. They sure know how to make a mess! They all had so much fun and were so hyper!

Justin took pride in decorating our front porch. He even put in black lights and had scary Halloween music and sounds playing all night

There she is! She was so excited to see us! She was the last class of the entire school parade

We were waiting at Brooklyn's school for her to come in the cafeteria in the Halloween parade. Colton was having fun with Grandma.

I took the boys into Grandma Adele's work for lunch and trick or treating on Thursday. Wyatt hauled in on the treats for sure!

Colton's Birthday

2008-10-31T21:55:00.000-06:00

So cute! He loved opening the presents

Colette was helping!

He just wanted to eat the wrapping paper. So funny

Ok I thought I would be brave and post this pic of me and the kids at the hospital. Check out the IV pole and how many machines it took to keep the meds going. I think two are cut off on the left too.

Great Day

2008-10-28T22:29:00.000-06:00

I love posting that I had a great day! It's been so nice to have the kids all to myself today. They have gotten lots of extra hugs and kisses today! I did squeeze in a little nap this afternoon while Colton was sleeping and I put Wyatt next to me watching cartoons. I feel pretty good though. Nice to feel that way and nice to say it.
My blood test on Monday came back and they kept me on the same antibiotic, which means it is working. That's probably why I am feeling better too.
Tonight we went and got a few Halloween decorations and pumpkins so we can carve them hopefully Friday afternoon. Justin should be home early afternoon, so we should hopefully have time. It will be a busy day. I will be going to Brooklyn's school for the parade and then helping in her classroom for their party in the afternoon. I was put in charge of the treat (I offered to help). I am excited. We got a bunch of the cookie decorations tonight too. Then Justin's work is doing a trick or treat and then of course trick or treating at home. Justin will be on the porch scaring all the kids wearing a Michael Myers costume (sorry in advance if you live in our neighborhood!)
He even bought black lights for the porch! Don't worry, he takes off the mask for the little kids so they aren't scared.
It will be a good week, I can already feel it!

2008-10-27T11:13:00.000-06:00

I am starting to feel a lot better. No more nausea which is awesome. I am still feeling a bit out of sorts in my head, but it is getting clearer. I had a blood draw this morning to see how my staff infection is doing. I should find out tonight if my dose changes and where it's at.
This week is going to be kinda busy, so I might not post as many blogs. If I'm not posting blogs, it's probably a good sign that I am busy with life and with the kids. I'm sure I'll be posting pictures of the kids for Halloween and Colton's birthday which is on Thursday.
I know many have worried this past week when I haven't posted that something is wrong. It was probably that I was tired or just was glad to be home and enjoying the kids.
I am so grateful for all the prayers again this past week and that I am now home and can feel better and enjoy life for the next 9-10 weeks. Thank you!

Came Home Early

2008-10-25T13:36:00.000-06:00

I got to come home yesterday. They decided not to give me the last dose because of the heart palpitations and because I was developing a cough from the fluid in my lungs. The cough was constricting my airway and making it hard to breathe.I ended up only getting four doses. So when I got home, I started getting a very familiar headache (same as last week). We thought if we hurried and set me up on IV fluids, it would go away. Last week we thought all the symptoms I had were due to dehydration. I'm not so sure now. We tried to get me some nausea medication quickly, knowing me. As we were hooking it up and about to put some in my line, I threw up. We battled getting enough medication and throwing up seven times by the time we got it right. I also had a home health nurse there trying to help us figure out why I was throwing up so much. He couldn't figure it out. I remember throwing up 3 times while he was here. Finally we got some antinausea without pain meds to just put me to sleep. Who cares about a migraine when you can't take anything, right?
I woke up a lot in the night to go potty and with my head hurting. I didn't dare take anything for fear of throwing up again (or dry heaving). I gained a total of 20 pounds this time, but I won't take any Lasiks until I know I have enough fluids and I am at least eating and drinking. I think that was part of the reason I was up so much last night, my body was naturally starting to get rid of the extra water weight.
This morning I felt a bit better. I am still very weak and can't do much. I am on my second IV just so the dehydration doesn't happen again, I already did an antibiotic for two hours this morning for my staff infection, too. That will be twice a day until Nov. 4th.
I will say that it is so nice to be back in my own bed and at least home with my kids. They seem really content having me here.

Might be going home, might not.

2008-10-23T15:21:00.000-06:00

Last night I got my fourth dose. My heart started having some weird palpitations, beating really fast and really irregularly.It felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest. This morning they told me I won't be having any more IL-II doses today. To me that was kind of a relief. I have had a pretty good day. Although for my visitors this morning I felt bad for my visitors because I had Phenergrine for nausea that knocked me out cold. After that wore off, I had a good day. I felt pretty with it. Yesterday I had some blood drawn and it showed I have a Staff Infection in my central line. I will come home with my line still in to take antibiotics for it. To me it sounds better to take it out and then clear it up. Oh well they know what they are doing.
This week has been a harder week until today. My doctor told me that every dose gets stronger and stronger. No wonder I've been sicker this week. I've barely even wanted to look at a computer.
The kids have been sick throwing up this week which makes it worse for me. I just want to be home with them. Brooklyn broke down at school while they were reading. She missed her mom. This made me cry when I heard about it. Wyatt has called alot because he misses me.
We are so grateful for the outpouring of support in our behalf. It has been overwhelming for Justin and Devon to try and figure out times and when you can help. I think once I am home I will be able to accept meals and cleaning.
Thanks to everyone for everything you have done! Love to all.

This week is rough

2008-10-22T11:55:00.000-06:00

I kinda thought it would be easier this week since I already knew what to expect. So far it has been hard. On Monday I got my first dose at about 5:30 and by six thirty I was having fever, chills and bodyaches. I stayed up the majority of the night like that. I slept a bit of Tuesday, but for most of Tuesday I was naseaus and sick to my stomach. I finally slept most of the night last night. My parents came in to visit last nigh and my aunt Jeanne anf Justin came to see me too.
Yesterday was kind of a blur. I don't remember much.
This morning they got me up at 5 to give me meds and to weigh me, I'm up six pounds already. I didn't get a dose last night, but got one at ten this morning (my third dose). I am feeling ok so far today. I got a shower this morning, and now I am missing my family so much. I keep crying a lot. My kids will be coming in this afternoon. I can't wait

Good Weekend

2008-10-19T20:29:00.000-06:00

It's been nice to have some of my energy back this weekend. I did tire out quickly with some of my normal daily routines. Just in time to have some energy just to have it zapped again starting tomorrow. I spent the night at my parents celebrating my mom's 50th birthday (she won't appreciate me writing that, I'm sure) and Colton's first birthday which is on the 30th. I admit it was really nice to see family tonight.
I'll admit I am a bit depressed having to go back to the hospital again so soon, but the sooner I finish this week the sooner I'll have all my energy back. I am again worried about my kids, though I know they will be well taken care of, it's not me. I know I will miss them so much.
I will try to keep my blog updated as I go this week for my treatment. Let's hope it goes as well this week as it did the last time.

2008-10-16T11:25:00.000-06:00

I am feeling a lot better now, just get tired pretty quickly. I promised Joan from Huntsman I would drink and eat more this week to get my strength up for Monday. She's been checking up on me the last couple of days. Last night was so nice, I slept the entire night! Brooklyn is out of school till Tuesday and we all slept in till 9:30! I was so excited for sleep. The only problem I am still having is that darn low grade fever. Other than that, just my energy levels.
I've lost all but the last two pounds of the water weight I gained. I still can't believe I could gain 21 pounds in 5 days! Let's just say my skin is paying for it! Very dry.
It is so nice to have my mind and head straight again. It felt like I was in a fog for so long. There was so many parts of the hospital I couldn't remember until the last couple days. Even visits from family and friends were very blurry. It was very strange, dreamlike.
Tonight I am planning on having fun at Bunco, a game I play with 11 other women and have a blast doing it! I hope I have the energy! I'm sure I'll run on adrenaline or something like that. Costumes are optional tonight too! We'll see.

2008-10-14T10:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday started out ok, but I was so tired from not sleeping much. Luckily Adele (my mom in law) came over and helped. As the afternoon came, I got more and more nauseous and couldn't eat or drink. We decided I was extremely dehydrated and needed IV fluids. I've dropped 15 pounds of the water weight I gained in the hospital, too, which I think made the dehydration and nausea worse. So, by about 9 last night we had a homehealth nurse come out and show us how to hook up an IV to a central line. It didn't seem too difficult. I got IV fluids and as soon as Justin gave me Phenergine for nausea, I was out in seconds. I slept till about six thirty this morning and woke with a fever of 99. Took some ibuprofen and went back to sleep till eight thirty. So, today I am feeling pretty good, so far. Yesterday started good too, so I am hoping it keeps up this time.

A Night in the Emergency Room

2008-10-12T14:33:00.000-06:00

So I came home yesterday and was a bit dizzy all day. We went and picked up prescriptions and came home to rest. I took a small nap. When I tried to go to sleep last night I couldn't. I had a headache all day that ibuprofen didn't even touch. As it got later I tried a Lortab 10. Strong, right? Barely worked for like 20 minutes. I ended up nauseas and running from bed and throwing up. I threw up the only food I'd eaten all day because the sores in my mouth were too bad to eat. I had taken new meds and threw all that up too. So, come two in the morning after trying to sleep on the couch, so I could breathe because of the fluid in my lungs, I woke up gasping for air and having a panic attack. I had several delirious dreams and then the throbbing in my head was so strong and it sounded like water swishing in my head I thought for sure I had extra fluid in my brain because I had extra fluid retaining everywhere else. We called up to Huntsman and talked to the Dr on call and he said to go to the E.R. and they'd probably do a brain scan and admit me. Just what we wanted to hear. The only reason they said it was important to go in was because meds just weren't taking any pain away.
When we showed up to the er, they took me back right away and started asking a lot of questions, which my history takes a while. They asked all the meds I've been on, I had no clue all the drugs I had this last week. I only knew what I'd had through IV. I told him about all the water swelling and one leg looked more swollen than the other, so we did an ultrasound to check for blood clots, a head CT, a chest xray (because of the fluid in my lungs, he wanted to check to see if it is still there. So, long story short, everything was fine, thank heavens. I am still suffering from the headache which we think is my body's reaction to Interlukin.

Coming Home today!

2008-10-11T09:06:00.000-06:00

I am excited to come home and lay in my own bed! I feel huge. My weigh in this morning was a total of 21 pounds! I am so gonna die if that doesn't come off! They say it's all water weight and they will send me home with lasics and it should come off in a couple days. I really hope that holds true. The man next to me doing the same procedure has gained about the same. I told Justin this morning and we both had a goof laugh.
They took me off the iv fluids to see if my blood pressure will stay normal, if so all I will have to do is wait for discharge papers and stop by the pharmafy and I'll be out of here!

Friday

2008-10-10T21:03:00.001-06:00

So, today was kind of a good and bad day. I had insomnia and was up all night last night. Even with sleeping pills and pain pills and nausea pills. They say is was a side effect of the IL-II. So this morning around six they checked my lungs, which they do several times a day and blood tests. They found fluid in my lungs and a low white blood count, meaning infection somewhere in my body. The fluid built up in my lungs because it is building up everywhere. I am up 15 pounds in fluid retention. It feels so gross.I just feel really bloated.
So, because of those two things they had me do a chest x ray to make sure there was fluid in my lungs. There for sure was. So, they didn't give me my dose of IL-II this morning and stopped it altogether. So I didn't make it as far as I was hoping, but I make it to 11 doses which most barely make it to 9 or 10, plus they couldn't get over how well I dealt with it.
Because my lungs are filled with the fluid puts me at a high risk for pneumonia.
They told me I absolutely can't be around groups of people, so church is out. I think it's a good thing I will be coming home when it's cold and I can just stay home. I had several visitors which I made sure weren't sick. So, I should be coming home tomorrow afternoon and will still be tired. I am so excited for my own bed for sure!

ok, here's a little later Thursday

2008-10-09T16:29:00.000-06:00

So, My aunt Jeanne and I are counting how many bags I am getting meds dripped through. There are eight bags, with six dripping. I have six little pumps and 2 big ones that are dripping through the lines. I have IL-II dripping, dextrose dripping, sodium chloride, norepinephrine, potassium phosphate, dopamine, magnesium sulphate, and potassium phosphate sodium chloride in one bag.
My pulse looks good, my blood pressure is good because my meds are keeping it above 90/50. I've seen it drop to 83/48. That's when a nurse runs in and sets the drip to a higher speed.
My mouth is full of canker feeling sores and to be able to eat anything or swallow any pills I have to gargle lidocaine. Gross!
I felt so good last night I got a shower! Today I have too many lines and am too tired to get a shower. I am more awake than I was Tuesday, but still tired. I just had my tenth dose of IL-II. Which is where most people make it to. Only two patients in ten years have made it to the 14th dose. It's looking like I will. It just means my body tolerates it better than others.
My mom is bringing my kids in any minute now. Wyatt called me earlier and told me he misses me and loves me. Of course that made me cry. I'm done tomorrow at midnight tomorrow night and will be coming home Saturday or Sunday as long as my blood pressure is under control

Wed night through Thurs Morning

2008-10-09T09:39:00.000-06:00

So yesterday I had absolutely no problems! I even had my bro and sis and my bro's family out. Also, Justin showed up. I think they were all amazed at how well I was doing. I was. I didn't think I could have such a good day after having 2 really bad ones. . Last night I was good. I had my eighth dose of IL-II at midnight. I started having insomnia, so they gave me some sleeping pills. At about 4 in the morning, I woke up with nausea, fever, and chills and couldn't sleep. They gave me all kinds of meds again. They said it was the IL-II affecting me. It usually gets to me about 4 hours in. This morning I am feeling pretty good. My lips are bleeding from being so swollen and the sores in my mouth remind me of radiation. Ouch! Also, I have put on 11 pounds of water weight. Yuck! It will come off fairly quickly once I am off this stuff. They'll send me home with a pill to help get rid of it.
Last night Justin showed up with a signed U football from Coach Wittingham that says "Michelle, Wishing you all the best and the Uted are pulling for you. Kyle Wittingham." How awesome is that. He also signed a bunch of posters and gave us 5 hats. How awesome. Heather at Justin's work set it all up, so Thanks Heather!
I am hoping to have a better day again today. I hac my 9th dose of IL-II this morning. Only 2 people in ten years have made it to 14. Most don't make it past ten. The 61 year old guy next to me doing the same treatment who started the same time as me has already had to skip a dose or two. They say it has a lot to do with my age that I am tolerating it so well. I'll write a little later depending on how I am feeling. Thanks

Third day

2008-10-08T15:07:00.000-06:00

I'll talk a little about Monday night and yesterday. From what I can remember. On Monday after I posted my new post, I could not stay off the toilet . My stomach was cramping horrendously.
On Tuesday, I was nauseous most of the day. I ended up throwing up a couple times. I finally ate a little, but my kids were here and ate the rest. I was ok because I was still sick.
I've been able to have some visitors which has been nice to help pass the time.
So, today has gone pretty well. I don't remember much about last night. I think I zonked at six and didn't hear or see anything till ten. Justin was supposed to come in, but my parents told him how out of it I was last night. I guess I got a few phone calls and didn't hear them.
So, I can tell that my mind isn't working as well. I have put on 5 pounds of swelling, mostly in my legs, hands and face. Not horribly noticelable. Overall I feel pretty good today, just tired. I am a little surprised how good I am feeling!

Getting a LIttle Cloudy

2008-10-08T08:05:00.000-06:00

First Day Down

2008-10-06T21:00:00.000-06:00

I got up this morning and was all ready by nine, when they told me to call to see if my room was ready. They had me call back an hour later and then two hours later. They finally ended up calling me around 1:00. My room was ready.
When we got here, I found out my nurse was Becky, who came in and gave me a big hug! It makes it so nice to have a friend up here. She is so sweet and always takes good care of me. She has been my nurse for the last two surgeries. We have been emailing since April.
She's been so helpful and great! Also, my aide from my last two surgeries, Brad was here and stopped by to say hi. How fun!
So, I got to meet Dr. Agarwal a couple hours after being here. Justin came up with me and had the day off. Dr. Agarwal talked to us about what to expect and told me I should start feeling side effects by morning. Some feel it sooner. I got my first dose of IL-II at 6 tonight. I will get a dose every 8 hours as long as I am tolerating it well. They watch my blood pressure very closely. This medicine makes my blood vessels leak fluid and makes my blood pressure drop. I will swell up because of it. As soon as I am done with treatments this will go away very quickly.
I take my last dose on Friday night (I thought it was a 7 day week of treatment, turns out to be 5) and should be feeling good enough to come home Saturday or Sunday.
They warned me that I could be feeling sleeplessness, which I am. I feel kind of wired, even after a shot of Demorol, which I think wore off after a couple hours. They have preordered all kinds of meds for me like sleeping pills, nausea pills, pain pills, fever and chills meds and much more that I can't remember.
So, my first day down and counting down to waking up feeling bad. Till then...

2008-10-05T12:48:00.000-06:00

So, last night I was up till one in the morning getting the kids schedules in the computer and printing them out. So much to do! I feel like I am going crazy trying to remember everything. I'm sure between Justin, Devon, my mom and mother in law and neighbors everything will go really well. This morning I put together some meals and put them in the freezer for this week. I am just trying to get all the last minute stuff done. It's a bit overwhelming and at the same time, I am trying to just relax and enjoy my kids. I am trying to figure out what I'll actually be using in the hospital, if I'll even feel up to showering or getting dressed or if I'll be a bump on a log all week.
I am taking the laptop with me in case it works and I can update at the hospital. My phone if I remember correctly in the hospital only dials local numbers. So, anyone with Utah county numbers will have to call Justin if they want to get the number to reach me.
I am getting pretty nervous. I wish I knew for sure how I will be feeling, how soon into tomorrow I will be feeling it, and how bad it's gonna get. It's this or the alternative. That won't happen. I am beating this thing no matter what I have to go through!
I am grateful for all the prayers and well wishes from everyone! Your support helps so much. I think one of the most important parts of getting me through this is having a great support system, which I have. I have the most supportive and loving family and friends. It's sad that it takes something like this for all of our good sides to really shine. In Conference yesterday as Dieter Uchdorf (sp?) spoke about Hope, he said one thing that hit me like a rock. He said "Never allow despair to overcome your spirit".
I recieved a father's blessing last night for the comfort I truly needed. The words were inspired and just what I needed to hear. Many blessings and promises were made to me. I know my Heavenly Father has sent down angels to be here with me and help me through this!
He is watching over my family as I am away, which gives me the peace to get through. As a mom, my first concern is my kids and husband. I know they will be taken care of and loved as though I were right there with them. Thanks to all who will be helping this week and for the outpouring of offerings I have recieved for help.

Almost a regular day

2008-10-03T17:04:00.000-06:00

So, I did my pulmonary test up at Huntsman today. It seemed to go really well, except for the part that I can't blow air out past like ten seconds. Not sure why, but that shouldn't affect anything. I am still scheduled to go in on Monday. I will call Monday morning to get my room number and a time to show up. It will most likely be between 10-12.
I've talked to Justin and he will either bring the laptop up to me at Huntsman, depending on how I'm feeling, or I will show him how to post new blogs for me.
That way I can still keep everyone updated without a ton of phone calls. That gets very overwhelming for him. Those who will try to call me might get Devon (my cousin that lives with us) because I will be giving her my phone for the week. It won't get reception in the hospital anyway. I will most likely post my room number so you can call me if you want to. I'll only do that if I am up to taking phone calls.
For now I am just trying to figure out schedules with the kids. I am hoping I feel well rested when I come home. I doubt it, but you can always hope right?

Finalized Plans

2008-10-03T00:05:00.000-06:00

So, today was about the craziest day ever! It all started with a phone call from my nurse LeAnne who is Dr. Akereley's nurse. She set up for me to get my heart test done at the new IMC hospital on 5300 south. So I got on the phone with my new insurance which had changed to make sure I am covered at the IMC and Huntsman. I am so glad I called because they had to enroll me in their cancer program so I'll be covered at Huntsman. Otherwise they would not cover me there.
Then I got another call from LeAnne asking if I can go up to Huntsman right after my heart test and get an IV and then a central line put in (goes from the vein next to my carotid artery by my clavicle and a catheter goes straight to my heart and will disperse the medicine from there). So, I then had to arrange Brooklyn a ride home from school, get packed for the day with the boys and pick up my mom because they told me they would sedate me for the central line.
So, I am for sure going in the hospital on Monday the 6th, so really quick. Which is why I have to hurry and get all this testing done. The reason they did the central line today and I have it in over the weekend is because they were completely booked and couldn't fit me in to get it done. These are made to stay in long term so no problems keeping it in over the weekend.
I will be doing the pulmonary test on my lungs tomorrow up at Huntsman.
So, today was nuts and on top of it all, Colton wasn't feeling well. I made it to all the appointments on time. The heart test was on a treadmill and when I was done they said everything looked normal, but they would let my doc know my results. The IV went like a normal IV would. When I went to get the central line put in, they found out that I had eaten (I didn't know I was supposed to fast till after I ate a banana this morning) within six hours of being there. So I couldn't get sedation for the prodedure. Ouch is all I can say. They used lidocane shots which was the worst part of the whole thing. After that and when the Fentinyl (sp?)(pain killer) kicked in , I was ok. As soon as I got to my mom's, it started bleeding and I had to put pressure on it. It still hurts!
So, tonight we went to the Utah vs Oregon State game. It was soooo much fun and such a stress reliever to an exhausting day.
Let's just say I am glad today is over and I can finally go to bed (it's 12:40 at night right now)

When is a good question

2008-10-01T23:41:00.000-06:00

So, as you can see we had a busy weekend with Wyatt's birthday, but it was so much fun! I was shocked that as an adult I could actually have a good time at Chuck e cheese.
So, today was the big day with Dr. Akereley up at Huntsman. I went up early and did a blood draw that he had requested me to do. When we talked to him about the decision I made for my treatment, he was all for whatever I wanted to do. He went over the cons and pros again, Justin was there this time and wanted to hear it briefly, of all the treatment options. I told him I am pretty set on doing the Interlukin II in the hospital. He agreed that this is a good option for me as I am young and strong. The only problem is that he's not the doctor in charge of this particular treatment. So, I should get a call tomorrow and set up an appointment with Dr. Agarwal-Internal Medicine. He specializes mostly in kidney, prostate, bladder and then head and neck cancer. He will be the one to administer the Interlukin. To qualify for this treatment I will need to do a stress test on my heart and lungs and make sure they are strong enought to endure this. It will be done on a treadmill. That should be pretty easy for me considering I am on the treadmill or exercising 4-5 days a week. Makes me really glad I've been doing that cuz now I won't have to stress over passing that.
I should hear something tomorrow from Dr. Agarwal's nurse and hopefully get that set up Thursday or Friday and if we can get things done quickly enough, I could possibly be in the hospital Monday. If not, it could be sometime in the next two weeks. I'll keep that updated as I know more.
As far as treatment goes, I have been corresponding with my nurse I've had up at Huntsman in the hospital side, Becky. She works in the Special Care Unit (where I would be) and sees patients who are undergoing Interlukin II. I am thankful for her insight on what I can expect. She told me I'll feel like I have a pretty bad case of the flu including fever, chills, aches, diarrhea, nausea. Dr. Akereley told me to expect to be very tired and my skin will turn a reddish hue.
Becky also said that they check 2-3 times a day to see how I am feeling and to administer more Interlukin or not depending on how I am tolerating it or if I need to recover a little. She said that I will have a heart monitor and lots of IV tubing that will drive me crazy!
I am not sure if I will be up for visitors or not. We'll have to wait and see. I should be in the hospital for 7-10 days depending on how long it takes me to recoop after they pull the plug on the drug. Dr. Akerely says I will pretty much have to be dancing to go home. Basically be able to stand up and not get dizzy and be able to take care of all my normal functions.
That's all I know for now. I'll post as soon as I know more.
Thanks again for all the words of encouragement and love from everyone!

Septemberness, Wyatt's 4th Birthday

2008-10-01T23:27:00.001-06:00

I thought this was so funny. He was scared of this present because Tiffany, my neighbor put a spider web and spider rings on it!

He loves balloons! They drive me nuts, but I loved them as a kid too.
Brooklyn had to steal the spotlight! There's Jessica and Grant in the back , Bradley and Devon on the couch and Adele and Grant in the back.
We let him open a gift before everyone got there. He wouldn't stop asking when he could open one. He got this football and he and Brooklyn loved playing with daddy.
Wyatt ended up not wanting to open this card, but it ended up being one of his favorite gifts. It has the Superman Theme music when he opens it!

Wyatt's Dancing!

2008-10-01T23:19:00.001-06:00

Here's a pic of Wyatt's boo boo I talked about in an earlier blog.

A few weeks ago I caught Wyatt dancing in Brooklyn's room to a Crazy Frog cd. Here's the video

2008-09-25T21:10:00.000-06:00

Here's the link to the video I watched up at Huntsman on the Stereotactic Body Radiation Therapy (SBRT).

http://www.abc4.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=D8D008E2-E87A-4326-A78A-BDBF42A54D60&gsa=true

Hope

2008-09-25T20:27:00.000-06:00

So, I wasn't sure if I should share or not what happened yesterday. Not sure if it false hope that was instilled or something that can really be done. I went to an appointment, yes another one, up at Huntsman for a follow up with my radiation oncologist Dr. Hitchcock. She said that I am healing well and everything looks good. She was glad I put some weight back on, and said I was too skinny before. She told me about something they are doing at Huntsman and only a few other places across the country. It is called Stereotactic Body Radiation Therapy (SBRT). They can do pinpoint radiation right on a tumor like the ones inside my lung. It would only take 3 treatments in a week to get rid of a tumor! How crazy is that? Also, the tumor in my rib, they could use electron radiation on that for 2-3 weeks and have it gone. Sounds too good to be true and like a quick fix. The only problem with that is we need to get the cancer out of my bloodstream first or it will keep going and we'll keep doing radiation on spots. Dr. Hitchcock recommended doing a therapy first and maybe reconstruction and then to talk to her about it. I emailed myself the video of it that they showed me up there. It was a video clip of the news talking about it. I'll see if I can post it on here from my email. I am not that technologically advanced yet.
Tonight, Dr. Bentz finally called. He was out of town all week. I was so glad to hear a familiar voice from Huntsman as he is my rock of a doctor. He was the first doctor I saw up there (even though I have a team of doctors). I needed his opinion about my decision on my next therapy as I have been given a big decision to make. I feel that he knows my whole situation and what I am facing. After much discussion about all my options and talking from a spiritual perspective, he left it up to me. He heavily warned me about how hard the Interlukin II will be. Obviously pretty rough because of the stay in the ICU. I felt much better after talking to him.

Doctor's Appointment

2008-09-24T09:45:00.000-06:00

So, yesterday I went up to Huntsman to meet with my reconstruction dr, Dr. Hunt. I brought up our theory about the spot by my rib. He thought it was worth checking into. We did two needle biopsies. The first was superficial, so they did it again even deeper. OUCH! I think he hit a nerve when Dr. Layfield did it! It still hurts this morning. They both came back looking like scar tissue. I will get the final on that probably tomorrow. So, Dr. Hunt decided to pull up my PET scan from a couple months ago and look into it. He came back and told me there was muscle between the spot on my rib and the scar tissue from the tumor five years ago. Not related at all. So our theory is now out the window and I am sitting in the exact same position I was anyways.
While I was being curious, I asked if he could get the results of my CT scan from Friday. (I wasn't supposed to get results till next Wed with Dr. Akereley) He pulled it up and started reading it. He said they now found 4 new spots in my right lung all 5mm or smaller. The PET scan only showed one 3.5mm 7 weeks earlier. Man that spread fast! Am I getting scared yet, oh yeah. So, after telling Justin, my parents and family (not everyone as it is hard to tell) I went for a girls night with some high school friends!
I desperately needed to get away and not think about it. But on the way home, it was quiet and of course that's when you start to think about things. I got about 5 minutes from home and called Justin and told him I needed a priesthood blessing. We both ended up getting one and were very comforted in our time of despair. I was losing faith fast up till the blessing. We had a long discussion about trials before hand. Let's just say that I now know that the Lord is aware of what I am going through. I know He is always there. We were both made some pretty strong promises and had all doubts dispelled. We were told that angels are around us and keeping doubts out of this house. The spirit was sooo strong. There was no denying it. It's been a while since I've had a blessing. It feels like I've done everything else I can think of. We went to the temple on Saturday night and I fasted two meals on Sunday just trying to get an answer on what I am supposed to do.
To me it is clear now. My choice is pretty much made up, unless my doc tries to talk me out of it, but I feel that I will do the Interlukin II. The one with the most hopital time, but the best outcome.
It's crazy how your perspectives change really quickly. Yesterday morning I was thinking maybe this cancer wasn't as bad as we were thinking it is, and now it's all of a sudden worse that we thought. I can't help but think back to one of my first appointments up at Huntsman with Dr. Bentz. He said the first place the cancer would most likely go if it spread would be to my lungs. Of course we did a chest CT then and it came back clear.
I am just thinking about how precious life is and wondering how much time I will have with my babies. They are everything to me. I will NEVER give up and stop fighting. But if I am playing tug of war with God, we all know who wins. If it's my time, there's nothing I can do, but I will FIGHT as long as it takes!!! I hope it says a lot about my fight by subjecting myself to 7-10 days in the hospital at a time. I am still not sure of how I will be feeling when I will be there. I will let you know how my appointment goes next week when we decide when and where and all the info on my next step of treatments. Until then...

Awaiting a Phone Call

2008-09-22T21:53:00.000-06:00

I am not sure what to expect, but Justin and I have a theory I want to run by Dr. Bentz before I make any decisions with Dr. Akereley. I am awaiting a phone call from him as he is out of town.
Our theory is this. Nine years ago I had a mole removed right under my jawbone on my left side. Cancer showed up two years ago in the same area. I had a tumor (benign) removed from the middle of my back 5 years ago and now I have another tumor there (supposedly cancer). Is there any chance this isn't coincidence? We think not. We want to do a biopsy to hopefully prove that this hasn't metastasized. We are willing to be proven wrong and be in exactly the same position they say I am in. So, it is not a risk to us to do this, right? Dr. Akereley saw the tumor in my back and immediately assumed it was cancer spread through the bloodstream. I'm not so sure that is the case. I don't think I will rest easy until I know.
I know it might look like we are grasping for straws here, but I need to know this if I am going to go through grueling and possibly life threatening treatments!

On a somewhat lighter note, tonight we took the kids to Brooklyn's school for the Fair they had to raise money for the school. On our way, Wyatt stepped in front of the stroller and ended up tripping because the wheel of the stroller hit his foot. He fell flat on his face and scraped his forhead, nose, and upper lip. Poor thing, he hit really hard because his hands were full and didn't get a chance to catch himself. It looked like it hurt really bad. He's a trooper, but I know it is hurting him. Not enough to turn around and go home. As long as we kept him busy winning candy and toys, he forgot about it. Brooklyn and Wyatt ended up with cotton candy, candy, and cupcakes. Great night for the kids. They were on a sugar high though!

The response has been huge!

2008-09-19T09:31:00.001-06:00

I never imagined that by posting my last blog that I would get so many people concerned. That was not my intention at all! I have received so many emails and comments and well wishes it is overwhelming! I am so grateful for everyone's concerns and prayers in my behalf. This will be a tough decision but the best one will be made! Love to all

Tough Decisions!

2008-09-18T13:17:00.002-06:00

As many know, I am fighting cancer and am now stuck in a bit of a tight spot. I tried to qualify for a clinical trial back east, but my HLA blood typing test (tissue typing) came back as the wrong one for the trial or any of their trials for that matter. I haven't posted anything for a while, because I myself have been waiting to figure out what I am going to do next.
Yesterday I met with Dr. Akereley at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. He gave me a few options.

The first being the most effective is the High Dose of Interlukin II, which would add about 5 years onto my life. This would include a week in the ICU in the hospital, a week out, another week in, four weeks out, and another week in. They inject foreign genes into my body that are supposed to fight off the cancer. In doing this, most of my major body organs would be almost shut down for that whole week and then after a few days I would be pretty much back to normal. Then obviously do it 2 more times. Sounds really grueling and out of a scale of 1-4, 4 being the worst side effects possible, my doctor gave it a 4+!

Second he gave me the option of Biochemotherapy. This would include a lower dose of the Interlukin II, Interferon, and a pill (I can't read his handwriting-not sure what the drug is called. Starts with a Tem-something). This would add about 4-5 years and the side effects are rated a 3+. This would entail being in the hospital for the first week, 2nd week would be 3 self injections at home, and have weeks 3 & 4 off. I would repeat this hopefully if tolerable, the rest of my life. He said most patients last 4-6 months and take a break from the side effects and start up again.

Third is something called DTIC (an IV given every 3 weeks) and the same pill I couldn't read his handwriting as before. This would add one year and side effects are a 1+.

Fourth is a clinical trial that would go one of two ways. The computer randomly picks which one you get. Arm one includes taking pills at home. Arm two includes taking one pill at home and a weekly IV. The side effects aren't rated as this is a clinical trial and also the years of life added are unknown. Looking throught the side effects it sounds really similar to the side effects of chemo. Not fun. The drugs in this study are ones they are already using for kidney cancer and leukemia. They are studying this as a secondary cure for melanoma since all three cancers are similar in that they are immune system cancers. The only way I would be able to do this trial is if I do it before any of the other three options. Otherwise I will NEVER be able to do it. The risks seem high and I am still not sure if I would do this first or not at all.

So as you see my decision is a tough one. I am getting a CT scan tomorrow at Huntsman to look at the tumor on my rib to see if it is measurable (big enough for them to see if it shrinks with treatment) for the clinical trial. The only other tumor I had was on my neck and suddenly disappeared! Yay.
I was told yesterday that now that my cancer is moving in my bloodstream it decreases my chances for survival. So I need to act fast on one of these. I have two weeks to decide what I am going to do. Prayers would help!

The reason for this post is to be informal for all those who keep asking what I am going to do next. As you can see this will not be easy. I know there will be a lot of opinions and questions. You can email me any concerns you have. I love you all! Thanks for all of your prayers and putting my name in the temple. All of your support has made all the difference in the world.

California Trip with Dave and Patty!

2008-09-18T13:17:00.001-06:00

We drove down in the motorhome (or should I say Dave and Justin drove)

We also went to the Ucla Tennessee game and had a blast

I forgot to take the camera to the game

I hadn't eaten sugar in two weeks! I crumbled and ate a couple bites!

Jenny got a swan! Some were walking out with full on mermaids!

They put Patty's dinner in a foil crab!

We had dinner at Gladstones right on the beach and even had
fireworks right after. They shot them off a barge in the ocean!

Patty, Karen, John, and Justin
(Justin looks so happy!)

Patty (left) and Karen at breakfast

Yeah, not ours but we wished! He did let us drive it though!

Thought I would be better at this!

2008-09-18T13:17:00.000-06:00

I know I am brave for posting without makeup on!

Brooklyn didn't want water in her eyes

Brooklyn got up on ski's for about 5 seconds! I was so proud!

Justin loves to Wakeboard. Check out the backdrop

Here are some pics from Lake Powell in August!

2008-07-19T18:34:00.000-06:00

Our newest addition Diesel loves Colton!

2008-07-19T18:33:00.000-06:00

My nephew Taylor, Mindy's 3rd